tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.comments2013-09-10T22:30:42.175-04:00Word SoupAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-42621818670188726422013-09-10T22:30:42.175-04:002013-09-10T22:30:42.175-04:00Why, thank you!Why, thank you!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-25431486956324258442013-09-10T22:28:09.237-04:002013-09-10T22:28:09.237-04:00Editing Good :)Editing Good :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02079186025347426126noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-4369247246560371012013-09-04T16:27:50.743-04:002013-09-04T16:27:50.743-04:00Thanks! One of the things you find when boiling do...Thanks! One of the things you find when boiling down writing is that tight writing becomes of necessity grammatically correct. Okay, that's not quite true, but forcing extreme efficiency has a way of eliminating grammatical problems almost by accident.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-35554732628694259722013-09-04T15:26:28.042-04:002013-09-04T15:26:28.042-04:00Hey, Patrick, I really like how you boiled down so...Hey, Patrick, I really like how you boiled down some of the problems here, particularly the use of present participles in an opening sentence. Case in point:<br /> <br />"Stepping out of the police cruiser, he stood tall. (One cannot do both of these things simultaneously, of course.) Looking sharp in his dark blues, his badge (his badge looked sharp in his dark blues??) caught the sun’s light and sparkled. Taking off his sunglasses (uh-oh, another present participle! Two in one paragraph, especially when neither makes sense, is a bad idea) as if they were what prevented him from hearing the rock-concert that supposedly shook the foundation of this legal office, the dark lenses removed from over his eyes didn’t change a thing." (read literally, this sounds as though the dark sunglasses removed themselves...)<br /><br />OK, nit-pick corner is closed, hehehe. Seriously, you did a great job with this, and I hope the author appreciates what you have done to tighten the writing and boil down the excess liquid!<br />Kelly Marinohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15354050717445794792noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-47049666190818051052013-08-21T14:27:25.720-04:002013-08-21T14:27:25.720-04:00There was one last surprise for me. The word '...There was one last surprise for me. The word 'Nursery' is a common term for 'Garden Center' here on the West Coast. Having been raised in Southern California (and in an agricultural area,) I'd never imagined the word 'Nursery' wasn't commonplace throughout the US. You showed me it is a regional word much like soda/pop/coke is regional when buying a cola.<br /><br />Cool lesson in writing. If I decide to put this cadaver back on the carving table, when Dr. Frankenstein's Monster is ready, I'll let him dance and sing for yoou via e-mail. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13198804309882756432noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-10422593776789066142013-08-21T11:59:30.004-04:002013-08-21T11:59:30.004-04:00I think two of the greatest authorities on firearm...I think two of the greatest authorities on firearms in the world are my dad and my brother Jon. I grew up around them and am quite comfortable with them, and still made a good number of firearm-related mistakes in my earlier writing... Including the one you made here! So don't be too embarrassed--it happens!<br /><br />I'd love to see what you do with the piece--what fat you'd add back in--at a later date. If/when you get around to it, if you'd be willing to share, please post it here!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-12976897972154701912013-08-21T11:55:15.947-04:002013-08-21T11:55:15.947-04:00Patrick, you beat the holy crap out of this beginn...Patrick, you beat the holy crap out of this beginning. I'd expected you to simmer down 15%, maybe 20%, but 38%!! <br /><br />I love that you moved the paragraph up higher to give Officer Tampinaro a stronger presence.<br /><br />I'm embarrassed about the gun fact. I even had to fact check to learn shamefully how you are correct--a .38 caliber bullet is sub-sonic.<br /><br />I think you've done fantastic things with this story, however, I think you boiled it down a little too much. Some fat is good for flavor, but I must admit if I went to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, bought a rib-eye with 38% fat, I'd be a pissed off customer. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13198804309882756432noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-13469604835777260632013-07-18T14:06:18.776-04:002013-07-18T14:06:18.776-04:00No... I flip-flopped too. It was a hard call and...No... I flip-flopped too. It was a hard call and I'm still not sure...Diana Wilderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11074083771067857127noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-13730024987526161602013-07-17T22:09:04.027-04:002013-07-17T22:09:04.027-04:00I thought about that one a bit, and came down on t...I thought about that one a bit, and came down on the side that it was sufficiently obvious; looks like I missed, huh? :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-26187214547310872632013-07-17T13:27:30.107-04:002013-07-17T13:27:30.107-04:00Good job. It flows well and keeps the feel. Ques...Good job. It flows well and keeps the feel. Question, though:<br /><br />"With enough money to cater...she.."<br /><br />Who in the sentence has enough money? Or, to put it another way, who's the subject?<br /><br /> (I'll have to send you one of my descriptive passages. You'll have fun.)Diana Wilderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11074083771067857127noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-58013311868752676652013-07-04T09:30:45.416-04:002013-07-04T09:30:45.416-04:00excellent example. And very helpful as I read thr...excellent example. And very helpful as I read through a friends work. He's looking for some good criticism and badly needs the editing process! (as do I!)<br /><br />Thanks.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13113286787525891994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-55448822611496625392013-07-03T08:21:59.965-04:002013-07-03T08:21:59.965-04:00There is definitely a finesse to writing, you want...There is definitely a finesse to writing, you want the reader to flow through the words with ease without losing detail. I always "over pepper" my stuff with too many words. I already know I do, I'm a word junkie. The Curious Observerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06728555890817645199noreply@blogger.com