tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84039826175009244982024-03-14T01:38:29.068-04:00Word SoupA blog for people who already know grammar, spelling, their Strunk & White and Chicago Manual of Style, etc, etc...but want to be the best writers they can be.
I boil words out of submitted samples to make the writing as tight and clean as possible, without changing content or tone.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-68261498642242038852014-05-14T09:15:00.002-04:002014-05-14T09:17:03.151-04:00Boiling a Delusion<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">As Word Soup celebrates its 5000th unique hit, most of which came since February, we're going to soldier on doing what we're doing. Thanks so much for the interest you've shown, everyone!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Larry
Crossett is yet another friend from the ABNA forums, and he's brought us a
sample from his thriller, NIGHTMARE DELUSION. Let's see what we can do with it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Dawn Taylor pushed a wheeled
aluminum ice cart along the brightly lit west corridor of Lincoln's Manor
Convalescent Center. At each numbered
door along the way she knocked perfunctorily, then stepped in and gathered two
plastic ice-water pitchers, one off each of the hospital-style bedside
tables. She wore white slacks and a pale
blue top, her long dark hair tied back with a rubber band, but for a few errant
strands. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Usually
the pitchers were still full from yesterday.
Regardless, she would empty them into the bathroom sink and bring them
out to scoop in fresh ice before refilling them with water.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">This
was the easiest chore of her day, but Dawn didn't like it. Nearly every room she entered had a resident
or two in need of something: turning over in bed, help from wheelchair to
toilet, a tissue they couldn't reach….
Seldom was anyone crying out for fresh ice in his or her water
pitcher. But while she wore these little
vinyl gloves, Public Health said she couldn't do anything but pass the
ice. She needed to stay sanitary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">She
was searching room 63 for Montgomery Josephson's missing water pitcher lid, the
resident slumped over asleep in his wheelchair, when she heard the page:
"Dawn, come to the desk, please."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">The
nursing home's intercom system was used freely.
That particular page came a dozen times a day, when the nurse wanted her
to take a temperature or help transfer a resident. During the ice pass, though, they would call another
CNA for such chores. Dawn was
apprehensive as she walked the fifty feet to the nurses' station.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Your
mother, Dawn," one of the nurses told her.
"Line two."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Personal
calls to employees were frowned upon, but when they came in they were
allowed. Dawn's mother did not hesitate
to call if she needed something from the grocery store, or wanted to vent about
an undeserved charge on a medical bill.
Dawn could not discourage her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Today's
call, however, was neither of those. She
knew that before she picked up the receiver.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Dawn,
we did it," her mother announced.
"Eric is coming home!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Shit</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">.
"That's great, Mom."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"It
was the way he handled himself at the hearing.
He spoke right up, looking those people in the eye."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"I
know, you told me about it."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"He's
coming home next Wednesday, Dawn. He
just called."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Okay,
that's fine. I—"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"You'll
have to go get him. One o'clock, they
said."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"All
right, Mom. I know. I'll be there."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"This
is so wonderful. I've prayed for
this."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Yeah,
Ma, it is. I'm happy for you. I've got to go. I've got someone on the pot." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Dawn Taylor pushed a
wheeled aluminum ice cart along the brightly lit west corridor of Lincoln's
Manor Convalescent Center. At each
numbered door along the way she knocked perfunctorily, then stepped in and
gathered two plastic ice-water pitchers, one off each of the hospital-style
bedside tables. She wore white slacks
and a pale blue top, her long dark hair tied back with a rubber band, but for a
few errant strands.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Carts
have wheels, but instead of changing "a" to "an" we can
make it more familiar by using "the." Because she's stopping at
"each" door, we don't need "along the way."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Perfunctorily"
isn't needed if we make the action perfunctory, and we can do so by boiling out
"then".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
pitchers themselves are not "plastic ice-water," and that they contain
(or will contain) ice water is obvious from the rest of the piece, so let's
boil out "ice-water." Meantime, we can combine "two" with
"each" to get "both." "Of the" can go without
loss of content.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I
don't know why, but I've never been a big fan of "wore" as a verb.
It's not terribly descriptive, and it seems to me that we can get more
content-per-word when we think of clever ways to eliminate it. As an example
here (which is too forward because I haven't discussed it with the author, but
I'm going to do it anyway because this is a blog post and not a proper edit),
we could use the word to convey a variety of truths about her work environment
as it pertains to her wardrobe: Does it make her invisible? Does it make her
conspicuous? I'm going to go with "invisible," and combine this
sentence with the last one to help it flow a little better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Long
hair that has been tied back is a pony tail.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Finally,
I'm going to rearrange the order a little to facilitate a smoother transition
into the next paragraph.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Dawn
Taylor pushed the aluminum ice cart along the brightly lit west corridor of
Lincoln's Manor Convalescent Center, a few errant strands writhing free from
the rubber band holding her dark pony tail. Invisible in white slacks and a
pale blue top, at each numbered door she knocked, stepped in, and gathered
plastic pitchers from both hospital-style bedside tables.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Usually the pitchers were still full from yesterday. Regardless, she would empty them into the
bathroom sink and bring them out to scoop in fresh ice before refilling them
with water.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We
can combine the first sentence with the second, thereby combining "the
pitchers" and "them" while eliminating "regardless."
In this case "still" is clutter, and can be boiled out with no loss
of content.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"She
would" = "She'd."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We
can boil out "and" in favor of a comma, take "to" along
with it, and change "before" to "and"—the sequentiality is
implied.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Usually full from yesterday, she'd empty
the pitchers into the bathroom sink, bring them out, scoop in fresh ice, and
refill them with water.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">This was the easiest chore of her day, but Dawn didn't like it. Nearly every room she entered had a resident
or two in need of something: turning over in bed, help from wheelchair to
toilet, a tissue they couldn't reach….
Seldom was anyone crying out for fresh ice in his or her water
pitcher. But while she wore these little
vinyl gloves, Public Health said she couldn't do anything but pass the ice. She needed to stay sanitary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Was"
always invites further scrutiny. Sometimes we need a more active verb, other
times we can just eliminate it by trimming a few words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Entering
the rooms has already been established, so we can boil down the next sentence
by making the residents the subject. At the end of that sentence, "they
couldn't reach" is implied by the fact that they need help with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Was"
again invites scrutiny, and while boiling it out we might as well take
"his or her water pitcher" with it, as we already know this is where
the ice goes. As for "fresh" ice, it doesn't spoil, so as long as
it's still ice, it's "fresh," so let's boil that out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We
can combine the last two sentences by making the vinyl gloves stay sanitary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Her easiest chore, she didn't like it. Residents
always needed something: turning over in bed, help from wheelchair to toilet, a
tissue…. Seldom would anyone cry out for
ice. But Public Health said she couldn't do anything while passing ice because
her vinyl gloves needed to stay sanitary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">She was searching room 63 for Montgomery Josephson's missing water
pitcher lid, the resident slumped over asleep in his wheelchair, when she heard
the page: "Dawn, come to the desk, please."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We
can avoid the redundancy of Montgomery Josephson being the resident by starting
the sentence with his position—where "slumped over asleep" is
"slept"—or better yet "snoozed" because that has a slumpier
feel to it. (Yes, I know, "slumpier" is not a word!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
missing water pitcher lid can lose "missing" because otherwise she
wouldn't have to search for it, and "water" because we already know
what the pitchers are for.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Heard,"
like all sensory verbs, aren't necessary in a single POV, so let's boil it out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Montgomery Josephson, room 63, snoozed in
his wheelchair. Dawn searched for the lid to his pitcher and a page chimed.
"Dawn, come to the desk, please."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">The nursing home's intercom system was used freely. That particular page came a dozen times a
day, when the nurse wanted her to take a temperature or help transfer a
resident. During the ice pass, though,
they would call another CNA for such chores.
Dawn was apprehensive as she walked the fifty feet to the nurses'
station.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
first sentence is utterly redundant with the second.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"That
particular page" can lose "particular."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
third sentence can be replaced with "but not during the ice pass."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We
can boil out the "was" by moving "apprehensive" to the
beginning of the last sentence. "The fifty feet" can lose
"the."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">That page came a dozen times a day, when
the nurse wanted her to take a temperature or help transfer a resident, but not
during the ice pass. Apprehensive, Dawn walked fifty feet to the nurses'
station.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Your mother, Dawn," one of the nurses told her. "Line two."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"One
of the nurses" is "a nurse," and instead of a dialogue tag (told
her), we can add a small action tag instead. Also, we can drop
"Dawn," as people rarely use one another's names in direct address.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">The nurse looked up. "Your mother. Line
two."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Personal calls to employees were frowned upon, but when they came in
they were allowed. Dawn's mother did not
hesitate to call if she needed something from the grocery store, or wanted to
vent about an undeserved charge on a medical bill. Dawn could not discourage her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Today's call, however, was neither of those. She knew that before she picked up the
receiver.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
passive voice here is fine, as we're talking about a company policy, but
"when they came in they were" is unnecessary. I'm somewhat inclined
to boil out "to employees," but to make it absolutely clear that
we're not talking about calls to/from residents I've decided to leave it in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Lack
of hesitation is conveyed through the list of trivialities, wherein we can boil
"grocery" from "grocery store," "wanted" from
"or wanted to," and "an undeserved charge on a medical
bill" is an "undeserved medical charge."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Could
not" = "couldn't."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We
can combine the last two sentences, and thus boil out a few words. As we know
that phones have receivers, we can boil out "the receiver" from the
end of the sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Personal calls to employees were frowned
upon but allowed. Dawn's mother called
if she needed something from the store, or to vent about an undeserved medial charge.
Dawn couldn't discourage her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">She knew this was different before she
picked up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Dawn, we did it," her mother announced. "Eric is coming home!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Shit</span></i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">. "That's great, Mom."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"It was the way he handled himself at the hearing. He spoke right up, looking those people in
the eye."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"I know, you told me about it."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"He's coming home next Wednesday, Dawn. He just called."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Okay, that's fine.
I—"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"You'll have to go get him.
One o'clock, they said."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"All right, Mom. I
know. I'll be there."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"This is so wonderful.
I've prayed for this."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Yeah, Ma, it is. I'm
happy for you. I've got to go. I've got someone on the pot." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We
can lose the speech tag from her mom's first announcement, the later proper
names (Dawn and Ma, respectively), and other than that we can leave this alone.
If the conversation went much further, I'd suggest adding some action—Dawn
reacting physically to the news, or the nurse raising a nosy eyebrow, or
what-have-you to break up the dialogue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"Dawn, we did it. Eric is coming
home!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Shit</span></i><span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">.
"That's great, Mom."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"It was the way he handled himself
at the hearing. He spoke right up, looking those people in the eye."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"I know, you told me about it."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"He's coming home next Wednesday. He
just called."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"Okay, that's fine. I—"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"You'll have to go get him. One
o'clock, they said."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"All right, Mom. I know. I'll be
there."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"This is so wonderful. I've prayed
for this."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"Yeah, it is. I'm happy for you.
I've got to go. I've got someone on the pot." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Dawn
Taylor pushed the aluminum ice cart along the brightly lit west corridor of
Lincoln's Manor Convalescent Center, a few errant strands writhing free from
the rubber band holding her dark pony tail. Invisible in white slacks and a
pale blue top, at each numbered door she knocked, stepped in, and gathered
plastic pitchers from both hospital-style bedside tables.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Usually full from yesterday, she'd empty
the pitchers into the bathroom sink, bring them out, scoop in fresh ice, and
refill them with water.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Her easiest chore, she didn't like it. Residents
always needed something: turning over in bed, help from wheelchair to toilet, a
tissue…. Seldom would anyone cry out for
ice. But Public Health said she couldn't do anything while passing ice because
her vinyl gloves needed to stay sanitary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Montgomery Josephson, room 63, snoozed in
his wheelchair. Dawn searched for the lid to his pitcher and a page chimed.
"Dawn, come to the desk, please."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">That page came a dozen times a day, when
the nurse wanted her to take a temperature or help transfer a resident, but not
during the ice pass. Apprehensive, Dawn walked fifty feet to the nurses'
station.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">The nurse looked up. "Your mother. Line
two."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Personal calls to employees were frowned
upon but allowed. Dawn's mother called
if she needed something from the store, or to vent about an undeserved medial charge.
Dawn couldn't discourage her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">She knew this was different before she
picked up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"Dawn, we did it. Eric is coming
home!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<i><span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Shit</span></i><span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">.
"That's great, Mom."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"It was the way he handled himself
at the hearing. He spoke right up, looking those people in the eye."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"I know, you told me about it."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"He's coming home next Wednesday. He
just called."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"Okay, that's fine. I—"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"You'll have to go get him. One
o'clock, they said."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"All right, Mom. I know. I'll be
there."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"This is so wonderful. I've prayed
for this."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"Yeah, it is. I'm happy for you.
I've got to go. I've got someone on the pot." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">That's 337 words, down
from 443, a reduction of 24%. What do you think?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-50442826488033715102014-04-29T23:28:00.000-04:002014-04-30T12:05:58.467-04:00(Actually) Boiling Liz Long<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So get this: last week
I boiled down Liz Long's zombie story, only I didn't boil it down, I fleshed it
out. (Fleshed. Zombies. Heh.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Here's what I didn't know: Liz wrote the piece as a journal entry found in a group of artifacts from a
zombie outbreak, with an unknown narrator. That throws last week's anti-boiling
out the window (although I stand by it for what it was!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This is a journal, written at a time
when fecal matter and fans are getting well-entwined, and as such I imagine
that it would be much, much shorter. You could probably condense it down to three
or four lines that outline the meat of what happened, but I'm not going to do
that. I'll treat it as the intentionally impersonal "tell not show" that it is,
and focus on the language paragraph by paragraph.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So let's try this
again. 497 words of zombie-apocalypse journal, boiled down starting now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The hospital survivors had told us
the basic outline of their story already, but now they filled in the details.
Radiology was the first trouble spot. Laura and Grace’s parents worked in the
hospital and forced them to volunteer as </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"><a href="http://www.thesentinel.com/pgs/neighbors/community/Candy-striper-program" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Candystripers</span></a></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">,
wearing red and white (candy) striped pinafores, after everything started
falling apart. It kept their whole family close together, in case anything
happened, but they weren’t exactly happy campers about doing volunteer work
when school wasn’t even requiring it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As a result, they took a lot of
breaks. They noticed the first problem on their way to the Radiology breakroom,
which boasted the only vending machine with a selection of potato chips. Also,
no one in Radiology would notice or care that they didn’t exactly ask for
permission to take another break. Anyhow, as they got closer, they heard odd
noises and moaning inside. The sounds worried Laura and Grace enough to peek
through the doors before walking in. The bloodstained walls and odd movements
of the people they saw convinced them to leave very quickly, and very, very
quietly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">They wrote a warning note to put on
the door, but Radiology fell apart in those few minutes and fighting was bumping
up against the doors. Before leaving again, they thought ahead enough to hold
the doors shut while they threaded an IV stand through the door handles. Now,
nothing could escape easily. They backed quietly away and raced to find their
parents. On the way, they ran into their new friend Brando. As he gathered his
spilled tools, they filled him in. As they returned to the ER, Brandon went to
find his dad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">On their way, the sound of bad
things came from Oncology and, more faintly, the lobby bathrooms. Together,
they used some tubing to quietly tie the oncology doors shut. By the time they
reached their parents, Grace and Laura were terrified. Maybe that’s why their
parents believed them so quickly. Laura’s stepmother and Grace’s dad started
talking to charge nurses, coordinating getting people to safety, and preparing
to take out the Infected if (when) they attacked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Brando’s dad told the hospital
Chief. She made an announcement that, “some departments have been closed
indefinitely, including Radiology, Oncology, and Main Reception. A complete
list is being sent to all staff email accounts and will be updated as needed.
New admissions are suspended effective immediately.” People were smart enough
to recognize that was a bad sign and started leaving – effective immediately –
with their sick friends and relatives. Hardly any officially checked out before
leaving. Most simply fled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After an hour, there were a lot less
people, a barricade on the hallway leading to Oncology, a small tangle in the
parking lot as too many cars tried to leave at once, and another announcement.
“The hospital is closing effective as soon as possible. All staff will work to
expedite patient release and transfer. Everyone still living needs to exit the
hospital <i>as soon as possible</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The hospital survivors had
told us the basic outline of their story already, but now they filled in the
details. Radiology was the first trouble spot. Laura and Grace’s parents worked
in the hospital and forced them to volunteer as </span><span style="color: red;"><a href="http://www.thesentinel.com/pgs/neighbors/community/Candy-striper-program" target="_blank"><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Candystripers</span></a></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">, wearing red and white (candy) striped pinafores,
after everything started falling apart. It kept their whole family close
together, in case anything happened, but they weren’t exactly happy campers
about doing volunteer work when school wasn’t even requiring it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As a result, they took a
lot of breaks. They noticed the first problem on their way to the Radiology
breakroom, which boasted the only vending machine with a selection of potato
chips. Also, no one in Radiology would notice or care that they didn’t exactly
ask for permission to take another break. Anyhow, as they got closer, they
heard odd noises and moaning inside. The sounds worried Laura and Grace enough
to peek through the doors before walking in. The bloodstained walls and odd
movements of the people they saw convinced them to leave very quickly, and
very, very quietly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We learn that they're hospital
employees right away, and they could hardly tell a story were they not
survivors.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To tell a basic outline is to
"outline." "Already" and "they" are clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Radiology was the first
trouble spot" is redundant with the following paragraph, so let's boil it
out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The red and white pinafores bother
me a bit. In an account of how they survived a zombie outbreak, what kind of
sociopath would comment on what people were wearing, unless it was pertinent to
their survival?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"As a result" =
"So", and we can combine this with the previous paragraph.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We don't have to say that they
noticed a problem, we can just present the problem—in the same way, we don't
have to say that the Radiology vending machine was the only one with potato
chips (which I find unlikely anyway), only that it had chips that served as
their motivation to go there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We can probably boil out either
"odd noises" or "moaning," but they're sufficiently
distinct that I'll leave them both.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">That they peeked implies their
worry, and if they never walk in, they don't do so "before" walking
in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We also don't need to say that what
they saw convinced them, as this is obvious from their course of action.
"Odd movements" is vague, perhaps too vague—it doesn't convey much of
anything to the reader. Let's use "jerky movements."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To leave very quickly and very quietly
is to "slink away."<br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">They'd
outlined their story, and now filled in the details. The c</span><span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">andystripers</span></span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">, Laura and Grace, didn't
like volunteering where their parents worked, so they took a lot of breaks. On
their way to the Radiology vending machine for potato chips, they heard odd
noises and moaning inside. They peeked through the doors at the bloodstained
walls and jerky movements, then slunk away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">They wrote a warning note
to put on the door, but Radiology fell apart in those few minutes and fighting
was bumping up against the doors. Before leaving again, they thought ahead
enough to hold the doors shut while they threaded an IV stand through the door
handles. Now, nothing could escape easily. They backed quietly away and raced
to find their parents. On the way, they ran into their new friend Brando. As he
gathered his spilled tools, they filled him in. As they returned to the ER,
Brandon went to find his dad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">They can't leave in the previous
paragraph (much less very quickly) <i>and</i>
write a note to put on the door. Either they leave a note first, or they skedaddle.
Given what you might see in a break room full of zombies, my money's on the
skedaddlin'!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">They can't do things in Radiology
after leaving (again), so "Before leaving again" can be boiled out.
That they used the IV stand to keep the doors closed is sufficient evidence
that they thought of doing so, as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Now" is worse than
clutter, because in a third-person journal written after the fact it doesn't
make sense. Out it goes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">While we're at it,
"easily" is implied—with difficulty, most people can do most things!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We either need to change the
"and" to a "then," or, in keeping with my preferences,
eliminate either the "backed quietly away" or the "raced."
As the hurry causes Brando to spill his tools, let's boil out the former.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"On the way" is clutter.
"Ran into" is too figurative—the spilled tools made me double-take
the first time. How about "crashed into"?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">That Brando was their new friend is
also one of those details that stood out to me as extraneous in a journal about
survival.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The penultimate sentence is fine
as-is, but if I can be picky in a vague sort of way for a moment, I think we
can make it read just a hair faster by switching the order—we lose a comma, and
thus a pause, even though we don't boil out any words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The "As" can be boiled out
with no loss of content if we change "returned to" with "headed
for".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Radiology
fell apart. They threaded an IV stand through the doors handles so nothing
could escape. They raced to find their parents, and crashed into Brando. They
filled him in as he gathered his spilled tools. They headed for the ER, Brandon
went to find his dad.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">On their way, the sound of
bad things came from Oncology and, more faintly, the lobby bathrooms. Together,
they used some tubing to quietly tie the oncology doors shut. By the time they
reached their parents, Grace and Laura were terrified. Maybe that’s why their
parents believed them so quickly. Laura’s stepmother and Grace’s dad started
talking to charge nurses, coordinating getting people to safety, and preparing
to take out the Infected if (when) they attacked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"On their way" is implied,
and "the sound of bad things" are "bad sounds."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"More faintly" is another
detail I don't think would make it into a third-person journal entry of this
kind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"They" implies
"together", "some" is clutter, and "quietly"
falls into the same category as "more faintly."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We can combine the next two
sentences, and in doing so boil out about half the words contained therein.
Linking the now-single sentence to the next, we can boil out the
clunkily-inserted information that they're step sisters, and remove the
"started [verb]ing" (which I've commented on many times in the past).<br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Bad
sounds came from Oncology and the lobby bathrooms. They tied the oncology doors
shut with tubing. Their parents reacted quickly to the girls' terrified story, coordinating
with charge nurses to get people to safety and preparing to take out the
Infected if (when) they attacked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Brando’s dad told the
hospital Chief. She made an announcement that, “some departments have been
closed indefinitely, including Radiology, Oncology, and Main Reception. A
complete list is being sent to all staff email accounts and will be updated as
needed. New admissions are suspended effective immediately.” People were smart
enough to recognize that was a bad sign and started leaving – effective
immediately – with their sick friends and relatives. Hardly any officially
checked out before leaving. Most simply fled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"She made an announcement that" = "who announced."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As to the announcement itself, we
can boil out a few words and make it sound more like an announcement.
Furthermore, a "complete list" of three departments sounds a little
unnecessary. (The passive voice is exactly right; just as I choose to use
passive voice for a lot of my comments on this blog, announcements are almost
always made in a passive voice, so this regular no-no is a yes-yes here.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"People were smart enough to
recognize that was a bad sign" is condescending (which might be on
purpose) and unnecessary. It's telling the reader something obvious, which yes,
people will do in journals, but in fiction—even a fictional journal—it leaves a
bad taste in the reader's mouth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Started leaving" is of
course another "started [verb]ing", so we'll boil it out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">That hardly any checked out is
telling the reader what didn't happen, which is something we want to avoid.<br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Brando’s
dad told the hospital Chief, who announced, “The following departments are now
closed: Radiology, Oncology, and Main Reception. An updated list will be emailed
to all staff as needed. New admissions are suspended effective immediately.”
People fled with their sick friends and relatives.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After an hour, there were
a lot less people, a barricade on the hallway leading to Oncology, a small
tangle in the parking lot as too many cars tried to leave at once, and another
announcement. “The hospital is closing effective as soon as possible. All staff
will work to expedite patient release and transfer. Everyone still living needs
to exit the hospital <i>as soon as possible</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm never a fan of "there
were" and "there was" type statements—any conjugation of
"to be" invites further scrutiny.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Leading to" can lose the
"leading."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"A small tangle" is
"a knot".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The announcement at the end clashes
with itself. Staff can't "expedite patient release and transfer"
(which implies paperwork) and exit the hospital "as soon as
possible." Let's keep the administrative jargon, but tighten it up a bit.<br />
<br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">An
hour later, the few remaining staff had barricaded the hallway to Oncology, a
knot of cars still fought to escape the parking lot, and the Chief announced,
“The hospital is closing effective now. All staff will expedite patient egress.
Everyone still living needs to exit the hospital <i>as soon as possible</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">They'd
outlined their story, and now filled in the details. The c</span><span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">andystripers</span></span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">, Laura and Grace, didn't
like volunteering where their parents worked, so they took a lot of breaks. On
their way to the Radiology vending machine for potato chips, they heard odd
noises and moaning inside. They peeked through the doors at the bloodstained
walls and jerky movements, then slunk away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Radiology
fell apart. They threaded an IV stand through the doors handles so nothing
could escape. They raced to find their parents, and crashed into Brando. They
filled him in as he gathered his spilled tools. They headed for the ER, Brandon
went to find his dad.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Bad
sounds came from Oncology and the lobby bathrooms. They tied the oncology doors
shut with tubing. Their parents reacted quickly to the girls' terrified story, coordinating
with charge nurses to get people to safety and preparing to take out the
Infected if (when) they attacked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Brando’s
dad told the hospital Chief, who announced, “The following departments are now
closed: Radiology, Oncology, and Main Reception. An updated list will be emailed
to all staff as needed. New admissions are suspended effective immediately.”
People fled with their sick friends and relatives.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">An
hour later, the few remaining staff had barricaded the hallway to Oncology, a
knot of cars still fought to escape the parking lot, and the Chief announced,
“The hospital is closing effective now. All staff will expedite patient egress.
Everyone still living needs to exit the hospital <i>as soon as possible</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Okay, so I broke one
of my own rules, again—the final passage does not contain all of the
information in the original. The omissions, however, were not for the sake of
brevity, but because the inclusion of that information seemed out of place for
an after-the-fact, third-person journal. Were it one of the girls writing the
journal I would have made different choices on what to keep and what to
discard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So with that said, the
final toll is 257 from 497, a condensation of 48%. What do you think?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-91854905101610533862014-04-23T22:19:00.001-04:002014-04-23T22:20:15.506-04:00Anti-boiling Liz Long<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This weeks' sample
comes from Liz Long, who sent me a piece of in-progress zombie fiction to boil
down. Mmmm...boiled zombie.... *drools*<br />
<br />
We've got 497 words in the original; let's see what we can do with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The hospital survivors
had told us the basic outline of their story already, but now they filled in
the details. Radiology was the first trouble spot. Laura and Grace’s parents
worked in the hospital and forced them to volunteer as </span><a href="http://www.thesentinel.com/pgs/neighbors/community/Candy-striper-program" target="_blank"><span style="color: windowtext; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Candystripers</span></a><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">, wearing red and white (candy) striped
pinafores, after everything started falling apart. It kept their whole family
close together, in case anything happened, but they weren’t exactly happy campers
about doing volunteer work when school wasn’t even requiring it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As a result, they took
a lot of breaks. They noticed the first problem on their way to the Radiology
breakroom, which boasted the only vending machine with a selection of potato
chips. Also, no one in Radiology would notice or care that they didn’t exactly
ask for permission to take another break. Anyhow, as they got closer, they
heard odd noises and moaning inside. The sounds worried Laura and Grace enough
to peek through the doors before walking in. The bloodstained walls and odd
movements of the people they saw convinced them to leave very quickly, and
very, very quietly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">They wrote a warning
note to put on the door, but Radiology fell apart in those few minutes and
fighting was bumping up against the doors. Before leaving again, they thought
ahead enough to hold the doors shut while they threaded an IV stand through the
door handles. Now, nothing could escape easily. They backed quietly away and
raced to find their parents. On the way, they ran into their new friend Brando.
As he gathered his spilled tools, they filled him in. As they returned to the
ER, Brandon went to find his dad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">On their way, the
sound of bad things came from Oncology and, more faintly, the lobby bathrooms.
Together, they used some tubing to quietly tie the oncology doors shut. By the
time they reached their parents, Grace and Laura were terrified. Maybe that’s
why their parents believed them so quickly. Laura’s stepmother and Grace’s dad
started talking to charge nurses, coordinating getting people to safety, and
preparing to take out the Infected if (when) they attacked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Brando’s dad told the
hospital Chief. She made an announcement that, “some departments have been
closed indefinitely, including Radiology, Oncology, and Main Reception. A
complete list is being sent to all staff email accounts and will be updated as
needed. New admissions are suspended effective immediately.” People were smart
enough to recognize that was a bad sign and started leaving – effective
immediately – with their sick friends and relatives. Hardly any officially
checked out before leaving. Most simply fled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After an hour, there
were a lot less people, a barricade on the hallway leading to Oncology, a small
tangle in the parking lot as too many cars tried to leave at once, and another
announcement. “The hospital is closing effective as soon as possible. All staff
will work to expedite patient release and transfer. Everyone still living needs
to exit the hospital <i>as soon as possible</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sometimes to make good soup you have
to add some meat. I'm going to do something a little different here, because in
this passage the POV is terrifically muddled in a way I see a lot when I'm beta
reading or skimming through a slush pile, and I think/hope that readers of this
blog, and Ms. Lane, can take something away from this somewhat different
exercise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We're not sure in the first
paragraph—or throughout—who the narrator is. We've got an indication that it's
someone close to the situation because the hospital survivors had told "us"
the basic outline of their story, but Laura and Grace are referred to in the
third person, so it's not clear whether or not one (or both) of them are the
narrator, or if it's someone else. Indeed, given that neither Laura nor Grace
takes any action independent of the other, it gives us the feeling of an
impersonal camera following them about the hospital...except that 500 words in
we have no idea what they look like, how old they are (Ten? Eighteen?), or anything
else about them besides their names, that they volunteer as candy stripers at
the behest of their parents, and that they don't seem to act independently of
one another.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The omniscience here gives a strong
"tell" instead of "show" to the scene, which diffuses any
sense of immediacy and robs it of its impact. For some reason I see this a lot
in speculative fiction—I think (but don't know) that it's because the writer is
trying to recreate the feel of a movie by choosing what I call a
"cinematic POV," where the camera is on whatever action is happening
at the moment...and this is, IMO, by and large a mistake. The cinematic POV is
a necessity in movies, sometimes but usually not softened by a voice-over
narration, but in a book it creates distance between the reader and the
situation that renders flat any emotional impact.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thus, my edits here are going to be
more rewrites than a straight boiling—I'll aim for all the content, but will
personalize the scene by choosing, say, Grace as the POV character, and
assuming she's somewhere in her early- to mid-teens. While I'll try to keep the
showing as tight as possible, it's likely to end up longer than the original
sample.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This is of course a huge liberty I'm
taking because this is a blog post and not a real edit, and as it's not
strictly a boiling it's not what Liz signed up for when she submitted a sample.
I hope she forgives me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The hospital survivors had
told us the basic outline of their story already, but now they filled in the
details. Radiology was the first trouble spot. Laura and Grace’s parents worked
in the hospital and forced them to volunteer as <a href="http://www.thesentinel.com/pgs/neighbors/community/Candy-striper-program" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;">Candystripers</span></a>, wearing red
and white (candy) striped pinafores, after everything started falling apart. It
kept their whole family close together, in case anything happened, but they
weren’t exactly happy campers about doing volunteer work when school wasn’t
even requiring it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Things to convey here: Laura and
Grace are sisters who reluctantly volunteer at the hospital at the behest of
their employee parents, and they're headed to Radiology.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Grace
smoothed down her red and white candy striper's pinafore and suppressed a
shudder at the too-soft skin of the old man's wrinkled hand against her elbow. He
shuffled toward Radiology like molasses, and she rolled her eyes at her sister.
Laura smoothed back a lock of brown hair and tapped her wrist. Two more hours
and their parents would finish their shifts, and they could head home from the
hospital. This didn't even count toward community service.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As a result, they took a
lot of breaks. They noticed the first problem on their way to the Radiology
breakroom, which boasted the only vending machine with a selection of potato
chips. Also, no one in Radiology would notice or care that they didn’t exactly
ask for permission to take another break. Anyhow, as they got closer, they
heard odd noises and moaning inside. The sounds worried Laura and Grace enough
to peek through the doors before walking in. The bloodstained walls and odd
movements of the people they saw convinced them to leave very quickly, and
very, very quietly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Things to convey: They head to the
break room and...something vague convinces them to leave. (This something is
indeed quite vague; that they're motivated to put a warning note on the door
tells us it's serious, and I'm privy to the fact that it's a zombie novel, so
likely a zombie outbreak.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">They
dropped him off and cut toward the Radiology breakroom, which boasted the only
vending machine with a selection of potato chips, and no one who'd care that
they took another break. As Laura reached for the doorknob, an odd moan pierced
the air from within. She froze, and Grace peeked over her shoulder through the
small window. People jerked around like marionettes, the blood on their clothes
matching that on the walls.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Grace
pulled Laura's hand from the door, put a finger to her lips, and pulled her
away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">They wrote a warning note
to put on the door, but Radiology fell apart in those few minutes and fighting
was bumping up against the doors. Before leaving again, they thought ahead
enough to hold the doors shut while they threaded an IV stand through the door
handles. Now, nothing could escape easily. They backed quietly away and raced
to find their parents. On the way, they ran into their new friend Brando. As he
gathered his spilled tools, they filled him in. As they returned to the ER,
Brandon went to find his dad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Content: warning note, run out of
Radiology by unspecified bad things, run into Brando.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Laura
scrawled a warning on a piece of paper and taped it to the door. Something
crashed behind them. A scuffle erupted between three nurses, and a fourth
shambled toward the fight with empty eyes and gnashing teeth. An agonized
shriek erupted from a room on the left, and a patient stumbled out, covered in
blood. They bolted out of the unit and Laura slammed the doors shut.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Hurry."
Laura dug in her feet and leaned against the door as something thudded against
the other side. Grace grabbed an IV stand and jammed it through the handles.
They backed away, then raced to find their parents. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">They
rounded the corner and Grace slammed into somebody. She stumbled back and
looked into the shocked eyes of their new friend Brando.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Holy
crap." Grace knelt to help him pick up his spilled tools. "We need to
get out of here. Radiology's gone crazy."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Oh?"
he said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Seriously.
People are fighting, killing each other."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">He
looked at her hard for a moment, then nodded. "I need to find my
dad." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">He
took off, so they dashed to the ER.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">On their way, the sound of
bad things came from Oncology and, more faintly, the lobby bathrooms. Together,
they used some tubing to quietly tie the oncology doors shut. By the time they
reached their parents, Grace and Laura were terrified. Maybe that’s why their
parents believed them so quickly. Laura’s stepmother and Grace’s dad started
talking to charge nurses, coordinating getting people to safety, and preparing
to take out the Infected if (when) they attacked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Content: they secure the Oncology
doors, then tell their parents, who take charge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Someone
screamed in Oncology, a defiant holler that ended in piteous wailing. Laura
pulled surgical tubing from an abandoned gurney, and they tied the doors shut.
Wet tearing sounds and heavy breathing came from the lobby bathroom; they snuck
by.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">In
the ER, they rushed their parents and wrapped them in panicked hugs. Shaking
and sobbing, Grace just managed to tell them what they'd seen. Her mom barked
orders to charge nurses, securing patients and barricading doors. Dad hefted a
broom handle and lined up at the door with a few other men.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Brando’s dad told the
hospital Chief. She made an announcement that, “some departments have been
closed indefinitely, including Radiology, Oncology, and Main Reception. A
complete list is being sent to all staff email accounts and will be updated as
needed. New admissions are suspended effective immediately.” People were smart
enough to recognize that was a bad sign and started leaving – effective
immediately – with their sick friends and relatives. Hardly any officially
checked out before leaving. Most simply fled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After an hour, there were
a lot less people, a barricade on the hallway leading to Oncology, a small
tangle in the parking lot as too many cars tried to leave at once, and another
announcement. “The hospital is closing effective as soon as possible. All staff
will work to expedite patient release and transfer. Everyone still living needs
to exit the hospital <i>as soon as possible</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Content: The
announcement triggers an exodus. (That Brando's dad told the hospital Chief is
a POV glitch in this re-write, as from Grace's POV she couldn't know that for
certain.) Without belaboring the activity, the exodus can likely remain a tell.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">The
PA system beeped, and a woman's voice rang out. “Radiology, Oncology, and Main
Reception are closed indefinitely. A list of closed departments is being emailed
to all staff and will be updated as needed. New admissions are suspended
effective immediately.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Visitors
rushed the exits, dragging sick loved ones with them where they could. Some
abandoned their kin in the waiting room, and a few employees left with them. An
hour later, they'd barricaded the hallway to Oncology, and tried to ignore the
tangle of cars trying to exit the parking lot. The PA rang again. “The hospital
is closing. All staff will work to expedite patient release and transfer.
Everyone still living needs to exit the hospital <i>as soon as possible</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Grace
smoothed down her red and white candy striper's pinafore and suppressed a
shudder at the too-soft skin of the old man's wrinkled hand against her elbow. He
shuffled toward Radiology like molasses, and she rolled her eyes at her sister.
Laura smoothed back a lock of brown hair and tapped her wrist. Two more hours
and their parents would finish their shifts, and they could head home from the
hospital. This didn't even count toward community service.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">They
dropped him off and cut toward the Radiology breakroom, which boasted the only
vending machine with a selection of potato chips, and no one who'd care that
they took another break. As Laura reached for the doorknob, an odd moan pierced
the air from within. She froze, and Grace peeked over her shoulder through the
small window. People jerked around like marionettes, the blood on their clothes
matching that on the walls.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Grace
pulled Laura's hand from the door, put a finger to her lips, and pulled her
away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Laura
scrawled a warning on a piece of paper and taped it to the door. Something
crashed behind them. A scuffle erupted between three nurses, and a fourth
shambled toward the fight with empty eyes and gnashing teeth. An agonized
shriek erupted from a room on the left, and a patient stumbled out, covered in
blood. They bolted out of the unit and Laura slammed the doors shut.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Hurry."
Laura dug in her feet and leaned against the door as something thudded against
the other side. Grace grabbed an IV stand and jammed it through the handles.
They backed away, then raced to find their parents. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">They
rounded the corner and Grace slammed into somebody. She stumbled back and
looked into the shocked eyes of their new friend Brando.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Holy
crap." Grace knelt to help him pick up his spilled tools. "We need to
get out of here. Radiology's gone crazy."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Oh?"
he said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Seriously.
People are fighting, killing each other."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">He
looked at her hard for a moment, then nodded. "I need to find my
dad." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">He
took off, so they dashed to the ER.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Someone
screamed in Oncology, a defiant holler that ended in piteous wailing. Laura
pulled surgical tubing from an abandoned gurney, and they tied the doors shut.
Wet tearing sounds and heavy breathing came from the lobby bathroom; they snuck
by.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">In
the ER, they rushed their parents and wrapped them in panicked hugs. Shaking
and sobbing, Grace just managed to tell them what they'd seen. Her mom barked
orders to charge nurses, securing patients and barricading doors. Dad hefted a
broom handle and lined up at the door with a few other men.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">The
PA system beeped, and a woman's voice rang out. “Radiology, Oncology, and Main
Reception are closed indefinitely. A list of closed departments is being emailed
to all staff and will be updated as needed. New admissions are suspended
effective immediately.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Visitors
rushed the exits, dragging sick loved ones with them where they could. Some
abandoned their kin in the waiting room, and a few employees left with them. An
hour later, they'd barricaded the hallway to Oncology, and tried to ignore the
tangle of cars trying to exit the parking lot. The PA rang again. “The hospital
is closing. All staff will work to expedite patient release and transfer.
Everyone still living needs to exit the hospital <i>as soon as possible</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">569 from 497, an
increase of 14%. I can't help but think that in this case, it isn't enough, but
I don't have the time to do more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The action here is
understated and vague; the matter-of-fact statement of the noise in oncology
and the subsequent tying of the doors could be elaborated into a truly creepy,
heart-stopping scene of its own, instead of a perfunctory action on the way to
the ER; the initial scene outside the break room could shatter the bored,
carefree world of the teenaged protagonist(s) with sudden realization and dread
and uncertainty; without a single shot of gore, the barricade and evacuation of
the ER could be a deeply personal, gut-wrenching tragedy of panicked people
either abandoning or refusing to abandon those they'd brought there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">What do you think,
dear reader, of this week's anti-boiling?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-9278857632942357112014-04-15T15:19:00.002-04:002014-04-15T15:19:55.860-04:00Boiling Cheryl Stewart<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
week's boiling comes from Cheryl Stewart, a long-time friend who has never much
thought about writing for publication, or even for public consumption. She
volunteered as Word Soup victim with 518 words of a story entitled <i>Victoria Livingstone and the Fey of
Fairmount Park</i>. Normally I cut things off rather ruthlessly the sentence
before 500 words, but I still want her to like me when I'm done with this, so I
left in the rest of the final paragraph.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It's
teenager-conversational in tone, first person with an inner monologue
reminiscent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Let's see what we can do with it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Fear. Paralyzing fear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
was 13. Our family often came to
Fairmount Park to walk about the gardens and seasonal art displays. This particular August afternoon, my sister
was in a snit from some perceived slight I had imposed upon her. Apparently she didn’t want Mom and Dad to
know that she lets her boyfriend up in her bedroom when they’re not home. Whatever!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It
was late in the afternoon that August Saturday, and our parents needed to
attend the opening of a new light-based art exhibit in the park from some new
up-and-coming they were sponsoring. Mom
and Dad were letting the artist fawn all over them in his over-the-top
gratitude, Chelsea was showing off her newest $200 Coach wristlet to some other
girls while trying to sneak champagne, and I was… well… There.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
was bored. Bored, bored, bored. While walking around aimlessly and waiting
for dusk to arrive so we could get this event over with, my sister motioned to
me to come over to her and her friends.
I can’t believe I actually went over there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Ya
know what I heard about this park?” Chelsea asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
eyed her warily. “Uh, no.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Auntie
Amy told me once that there are fairies living in the woods in this park.” She gestured blandly to her left. “They come out at night. Do you think she’s nuts or what?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Don’t
say mean things about Auntie!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Sheesh! Sensitive much?” She turned to her friends and they all
giggled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
scowled at Chelsea and stalked away from the lot of them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Auntie
Amy is by far my favorite relative. She
understands me and accepts me for who I am.
She doesn’t get all uppity just because we have money. I love listening to her stories and legends
of fairies and monsters and other creatures.
She makes it sound like it could really be real.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
was meandering off towards the woods while thinking about this, figuring that
at least I could get away from that horrid event. Mom and Dad were oblivious to my
absence. Big shocker there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
started picking my way through a small expanse of woods. The vegetation was tall, thick, and seemed
full of mystery and life. I didn’t
notice the lights come on at the long forgotten art exhibit, nor did I hear the
appreciative applause. I thought I saw
movement and twinkling up ahead. As I
pursued it, I could swear I heard faint laughter. I was oblivious to the rapidly darkening sky
and the disappearing gardens.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">All
of a sudden I realized that I was lost.
I thought I had been following a path, but when I looked back, the path
was gone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Whooooosh! Something flew past my head!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
panicked. Stupidly, I ran further into
the woods. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Zzzzzzzzooooomm! Something else whizzed by and brushed past my
arm. I yelped, then stopped and crouched
behind a tree. Peeking around, I saw a
mesmerizing sight. Up ahead was a
clearing full of small, brightly-colored figures dancing around and
laughing. I was frozen to that spot,
transfixed by what was laid out before me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Fear. Paralyzing fear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I was 13. Our family often
came to Fairmount Park to walk about the gardens and seasonal art
displays. This particular August
afternoon, my sister was in a snit from some perceived slight I had imposed
upon her. Apparently she didn’t want Mom
and Dad to know that she lets her boyfriend up in her bedroom when they’re not
home. Whatever!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
fact that the narrator is thirteen doesn't fit with the rest of the paragraph,
so I'm going to find another place to squeeze that piece of information in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
fact that it's her family becomes apparent from the rest of the passage, so we
can change that we "We".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">One can
hardly walk through gardens and art displays without going to a place, so let's
boil out "came to."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Particular"
is clutter—it gives an old-timey sort of feel that jars with
"whatever" at the end of the paragraph—and otherwise this sentence
can combine with the next. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Was
in a snit" is "threw a snit."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Readers
of this blog will know that I'm not a fan of adverbs, but only because I'm a
fan of every word needing justification for its existence. In this case, the
"apparently" conveys a sort of disdainful siblinghood quite well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We can
boil out "up" from "up in her." "Whatever" I'm
ambivalent about—it conveys a very modern teenager like no other word can, but
if anything it's a little passé. At least in my experience, kids don't say it
nearly as often as they used to. In this case, we'll leave it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Fear. Paralyzing fear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">We often walked about the Fairmount Park gardens
and seasonal art displays. This August afternoon, my sister threw a snit because
apparently she didn’t want Mom and Dad to know that she lets her boyfriend in
her bedroom when they’re not home. Whatever!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It was late in the afternoon that August Saturday, and our parents
needed to attend the opening of a new light-based art exhibit in the park from
some new up-and-coming they were sponsoring.
Mom and Dad were letting the artist fawn all over them in his
over-the-top gratitude, Chelsea was showing off her newest $200 Coach wristlet
to some other girls while trying to sneak champagne, and I was… well… There.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
already know it's afternoon, August, and a park. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Instead
of "needed to attend," let's make it something more active—and add
some characterization in the process by making it, "dragged us to."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Openings
are "new," so we can boil that out—twice, because up-and-comers are
"new" as well. While we're at it, "were sponsoring" =
"sponsored."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Were
letting" = "let," and as it's obvious that "the
artist" is "him" we can make it so, and in the process boil out
"his."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Was
showing off" = "showed off." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">In
"some other girls", either "some" or "other" is
clutter—but come to think of it, the detail is sufficiently irrelevant that we
can boil out the whole phrase.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Instead
of saying "I was there," even though it's meant to be bland, we can
convey exactly the same sentiment with "waited," especially if we
keep the ellipsis. [NOTE: In retrospect, I think "killed time" works
better, so I changed it again.]<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">(As an
aside, ellipses need no spaces on either side of them. Something else I'm
fixing on my way through is two spaces between sentences, as that's something
publishers by and large do not want to see. Yes, that means your English
teacher taught you "wrong.")<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">This Saturday our parents dragged us to
the opening of a light-based art exhibit from some up-and-coming they sponsored.
Mom and Dad let him fawn all over them in over-the-top gratitude, Chelsea
showed off her newest $200 Coach wristlet while trying to sneak champagne, and
I…killed time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I was bored. Bored, bored,
bored. While walking around aimlessly
and waiting for dusk to arrive so we could get this event over with, my sister
motioned to me to come over to her and her friends. I can’t believe I actually went over there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Here's
a good place to put in her age.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Bored,
bored, bored" has a charm to it, but not enough of one to justify four
"bored"s in one paragraph.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Walking
around aimlessly" is "wandered," "for dusk to arrive"
= "for dusk," and "get this event over with" is already
sufficiently ingrained in the character's actions that we can safely replace it
with "go home."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Motioned
me to come over" is "waved me over," and we already know she's
with friends (or at least people she'd show off her wristlet to.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">To
avoid the echo on "over", let's change "I actually went over
there" to "I went."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Thirteen and so bored, I wandered and
waited for dusk so we could go home. My sister waved me over. I can’t believe I
went.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Ya know what I heard about this park?” Chelsea asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I eyed her warily. “Uh, no.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Auntie Amy told me once that there are fairies living in the woods
in this park.” She gestured blandly to
her left. “They come out at night. Do you think she’s nuts or what?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Don’t say mean things about Auntie!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Sheesh! Sensitive
much?” She turned to her friends and
they all giggled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I scowled at Chelsea and stalked away from the lot of them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As a
general rule, one should avoid misspellings in order to convey dialect except
under extreme circumstances (such as Stephen King's use of "Ayuh" for
"yes" in Maine.) People who read this will mentally say, "ya
know" when they read "you know". Word choice should carry
dialect as much as possible...and if we want to reinforce the teenagerly informality,
boil out the "you."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I'm not
in love with "eyed her warily," but I don't know a word that would
replace it. "Squinted" isn't quite right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We can
boil out "once that there are" if we chance "living" to
"live," and "in this park" is redundant because she already
said, "about this park."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"She
gestured blandly" tells the reader almost nothing. What kind of gesture?
What made it bland? Were this an edit instead of a blog boiling, I'd leave the
comment for the author and let them come up with something. Instead, I'm going
to invent a solution.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As
"Do you think she's nuts or what?" is a rhetorical question, and
Chelsea clearly doesn't care what our protagonist thinks, let's change "Do
you think she's" to "Is she."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Sensitive
much?" is such a great conveyance of attitude that I don't think we need
the "Sheesh!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"and
they all giggled" can become "who giggled"...though it's worth
noting at this point that we have no idea how many friends are involved here.
How many girls are "some" girls? Two? Three? Seventy-four? Perhaps we
should revisit above, when Chelsea waves her over.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"At
Chelsea" and "from the lot of them" are both unneeded.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Know what I heard about this park?”
Chelsea asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I eyed her warily. “Uh, no.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Auntie Amy told me fairies live in the
woods.” She rolled her head left. “They come out at night. Is she nuts or
what?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Don’t say mean things about Auntie!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Sensitive much?” She turned to her
friends, who giggled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I scowled and stalked away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Auntie Amy is by far my favorite relative. She understands me and accepts me for who I
am. She doesn’t get all uppity just
because we have money. I love listening
to her stories and legends of fairies and monsters and other creatures. She makes it sound like it could really be
real.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Let's
combine the first two sentences. Accepting someone for who they are cannot
occur without understanding, so let's boil that out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
now-second sentence tells us something that doesn't happen—always a good
indicator that boiling can commence! ...and yet, when I try to get rid of the
"doesn't", nothing I can come up with filled the void. Even so, we
can squeeze out a few words with a rephrase, and combine it with the first
sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Listening
to" is clutter, as is "and legends"—and while "and monsters
and other creatures" is a bit on the cluttered side, I think it's
appropriate for the narrator's voice, so let's leave it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
last sentence can benefit from changing the first "it" to
"them" and boiling out everything between "sound" and
"real."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">By far my favorite relative, Auntie Amy accepts
me for who I am, and doesn't let money make her uppity. I love her stories of
fairies and monsters and other creatures. She makes them sound real.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I was meandering off towards the woods while thinking about this, figuring
that at least I could get away from that horrid event. Mom and Dad were oblivious to my
absence. Big shocker there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I started picking my way through a small expanse of woods. The vegetation was tall, thick, and seemed
full of mystery and life. I didn’t
notice the lights come on at the long forgotten art exhibit, nor did I hear the
appreciative applause. I thought I saw
movement and twinkling up ahead. As I
pursued it, I could swear I heard faint laughter. I was oblivious to the rapidly darkening sky
and the disappearing gardens.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Any
construction of "was [verb]ing" invites further scrutiny—we can
almost always lose the "was" by changing the "ing" to
"ed."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Off
towards" can lose the "off," and "towards" should lose
the "s". It's not wrong, but there are some especially in editor
circles who are annoyed by "towards," "backwards," and so
forth, but nobody is annoyed by "toward," "backward," etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"While
thinking about this" is redundant with the fact that she's thinking about
this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Figuring
that at least I could" = "to", "get away from" =
"escape".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">That
Mom and Dad were oblivious is a POV glitch—she can't read her parents' minds,
though she may often think she can. Either way, that's a big tell instead of a
show, and we already know they're busy letting the artist fawn all over
them...so let's boil it out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">So now
that we're down to one sentence, let's combine it with the next paragraph.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Started
[verb]ing" and its cousin "began to" should only ever be used if
it's important to the plot that the event in question is interrupted. A small
expanse of woods is a copse, woods are comprised of trees which are tall,
"was" is an evil verb, and "seemed" is poison—from a
narrator's POV, anything that seems, is. How about, "The thick vegetation
embraced me with its mystery and life."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Not
noticing and not hearing violate three tenets of fiction writing: One, they're
telling what didn't happen, two, they're using sensory verbs, and three,
they're POV glitches. From her POV, anything she doesn't notice or sense
doesn't happen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"I
thought I saw" is another double-whammy. "I thought" is
equivalent to "seemed," and "I saw" is never necessary.
"I could swear I heard" is the same construction, with the same
flaws.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
final sentence is again something she's oblivious to, so we need to either make
it something she notices, or boil it out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I meandered toward the woods to escape
that horrid event. The thick vegetation embraced me with its mystery and life. Something
twinkled up ahead. I pursued it to faint laughter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">All of a sudden I realized that I was lost. I thought I had been following a path, but
when I looked back, the path was gone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This is
a tell that could be a show, and will convey the obliviousness stated in the
previous paragraph. Let's try something like this:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I stopped, and recognized nothing in the
fading light. No path, no party, not even a glimpse of the manor lights.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Whooooosh! Something flew
past my head!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I panicked. Stupidly, I ran
further into the woods. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Zzzzzzzzooooomm! Something
else whizzed by and brushed past my arm.
I yelped, then stopped and crouched behind a tree. Peeking around, I saw a mesmerizing
sight. Up ahead was a clearing full of
small, brightly-colored figures dancing around and laughing. I was frozen to that spot, transfixed by what
was laid out before me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Two
things to use sparingly if at all: onomatopoeia and exclamation points.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">While
running through thick vegetation, one should experience more than one thing
whizzing by and brushing past one's arm—one should be barraged by branches and
other such things. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
yelp should go with the thing brushing her arm, letting us boil out a few
words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">One can
hardly crouch behind a tree without stopping.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"I
saw" can go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Up
ahead" is clutter, and "was a clearing" has to go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Frozen
to the spot" can lose "to the spot", and we can boil out
everything after "transfixed."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Something whizzed past my head. I crashed
through the branches in blind panic, and yelped when something tugged my
sleeve. I crouched behind a tree. A light mesmerized me. Small, brightly-colored
figures danced around a clearing, laughing.
I froze, transfixed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Fear. Paralyzing fear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">We often walked about the Fairmount Park
gardens and seasonal art displays. This August afternoon, my sister threw a
snit because apparently she didn’t want Mom and Dad to know that she lets her
boyfriend in her bedroom when they’re not home. Whatever!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">This Saturday our parents dragged us to the
opening of a light-based art exhibit from some up-and-coming they sponsored.
Mom and Dad let him fawn all over them in over-the-top gratitude, Chelsea
showed off her newest $200 Coach wristlet while trying to sneak champagne, and
I…killed time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Thirteen and so bored, I wandered and waited
for dusk so we could go home. My sister waved me over. I can’t believe I went.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">“Know what I heard about this park?” Chelsea
asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">I eyed her warily. “Uh, no.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">“Auntie Amy told me fairies live in the
woods.” She rolled her head left. “They come out at night. Is she nuts or
what?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">“Don’t say mean things about Auntie!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">“Sensitive much?” She turned to her friends,
who giggled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">I scowled and stalked away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">By far my favorite relative, Auntie Amy
accepts me for who I am, and doesn't let money make her uppity. I love her
stories of fairies and monsters and other creatures. She makes them sound real.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">I meandered toward the woods to escape that
horrid event. The thick vegetation embraced me with its mystery and life.
Something twinkled up ahead. I pursued it to faint laughter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">I stopped, and recognized nothing in the
fading light. No path, no party, not even a glimpse of the manor lights.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Something whizzed past my head. I crashed
through the branches in blind panic, and yelped when something tugged my
sleeve. I crouched behind a tree. A light mesmerized me. Small,
brightly-colored figures danced around a clearing, laughing. I froze, transfixed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">304 words, down from
518, a condensation of 41%. What do you think?</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-47104427832754017042014-04-08T19:14:00.000-04:002014-04-08T19:14:23.295-04:00Boiling Susan Taitel<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This week's boiling is
a 492-word excerpt from somewhere in the middle of Susan Taitel's WIP. Susan is
another of my amigos from the ABNA forums, who writes middle grade, young
adult, and new adult fiction—mostly fantasy but with toe-dips in the real
world. She blogs at susantaitel.com.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Let's see what we can
do with her sample.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There's a wrapped box waiting at the foot of my bed the next
morning. I tear off the paper. It's new sneakers. Mom guessed exactly what I’d
like. Black canvas with white stars. I run my finger over the pristine white
rubber. They’ll never again be as clean as they are right now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I never changed into my pajamas last night, I feel funky. I take
a quick shower.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Whoever Mom asked to watch me should be here by now. I hope it's
not Miss Lyrea. She's nice enough, but boring. Mom says she used to be a
mermaid. Now she's mist in the shape of a woman. She sings all the time. She
makes me do vocal exercises and frets over my terrible pitch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I towel off and get dressed. I walk downstairs, keeping my
footsteps light, listening for singing. I hear nothing. I reach the bottom
step. It doesn't sound like anyone's here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Aha!" I'm grabbed and lifted into a spin.
"There's ma wee birthday gahrl!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Hi, Uncle Joch." I laugh. He sets me down. He's not
my real uncle. We're not related, but I've known him as long as I can remember.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Let me see, I think I have something for you here."
He pats his big leather coat. "Ah, here we go." He pulls out a
packet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Beef jerky?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Oops, that's for your beasty." He dangles a piece of
jerky. Fortinbras runs into the room to beg. He scrambles after the strip Uncle
Joch tosses. "Here we are. This is the one." Uncle Joch pulls another
package from his pocket. I unwrap it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Thanks!" It's an old fashioned wire birdcage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Put a little jam toast in it and hang it outside your
window tonight."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"What'll happen?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Don't know." He shrugs. "Got it off a goblit.
Said kids like 'em."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Okay."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Now then. What do you want for breakfast?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"A bagel?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Peanut butter sandwich it is!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The downside of Uncle Joch babysitting is all he knows how to
make is peanut butter sandwiches. Good thing I like them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Uncle Joch isn't a High Fairy, but he's a species not far
removed. He's as tall as Mom, and not bad looking. He might even be handsome,
if he ever kept his face still. It twists and contorts as he talks, he can’t
help it. He speaks with a thick Scottish accent. I asked him once if he was
from Scotland. He said he's from the place Scotland is from. I still don't know
what that means.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I finish my sandwich.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Want more?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"No thanks."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Then what am I going to do with this?" Uncle Joch
pulls a sheet cake from his coat. It's got buttercream balloons all over it and
says "Happy Birthday Ben! She's a girl so put some flowers on it,” in
yellow icing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"They gave me half off for the mistake! If you're not
hungry, I'll have to eat it myself."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"I could eat a little more."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There's a wrapped box waiting at the foot of my bed the next
morning. I tear off the paper. It's new sneakers. Mom guessed exactly what I’d
like. Black canvas with white stars. I run my finger over the pristine white
rubber. They’ll never again be as clean as they are right now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Any conjugation of "to be"
is a good indication that we can boil out some words. That goes for the
"'s" at the end of "There". By putting the time first, we
can make "wait" the active verb, instead of "is".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We can boil out "It's new
sneakers" by moving the "sneakers" later.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Adverbs yearn for deletion,
sometimes on their own, sometimes by replacing the verb with something more
evocative. To guess exactly what someone would like is to "nail it"
in the modern vernacular.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"again be as clean as they are
right now" = "be this clean again." And yeah, I'm leaving
"be" here, as I'm not clever enough to come up with a replacement in
this case!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">The next morning a wrapped box waits at
the foot of my bed. I tear off the paper. Mom nailed it; black canvas sneakers with
white stars. I run my finger over the pristine white rubber. They’ll never be
this clean again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I never changed into my pajamas last night, I feel funky. I take a
quick shower.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Whoever Mom asked to watch me should be here by now. I hope it's not
Miss Lyrea. She's nice enough, but boring. Mom says she used to be a mermaid.
Now she's mist in the shape of a woman. She sings all the time. She makes me do
vocal exercises and frets over my terrible pitch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It's always better to describe what
one has done, rather than what one has not done. To that end, never changing
into one's PJ's is to still be in yesterday's clothes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The vagueness of who the babysitter
will be is conveyed quite well by "I hope it's not", so we can boil
it out of the first sentence—and "by now" is so common a phrase, most
of us never realize that it's clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We can boil out the "is"
in "She's" by combining with the next sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"mist in the shape of a
woman" is "woman-shaped mist", and let's combine this with the
next sentence to break up the sentence structure from "She [verb]"
twice in a row.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Still in yesterday's clothes, I feel
funky. I take a quick shower.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">The babysitter should be here. I hope
it's not Miss Lyrea. Nice but boring, Mom says she used to be a mermaid. Now
she's woman-shaped mist who sings all the time. She makes me do vocal exercises
and frets over my terrible pitch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I towel off and get dressed. I walk downstairs, keeping my footsteps
light, listening for singing. I hear nothing. I reach the bottom step. It
doesn't sound like anyone's here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To "get dressed" is to
"dress"—though even I admit I might be going overboard on the
word-boiling here!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To "walk downstairs, keeping my
footsteps light" is to "tiptoe downstairs".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"I hear nothing" is
redundant with "It doesn't sound like anyone's here". At the very
least, we can combine the two—and "I reach" = "On", and to
hear nothing is silence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I towel off and dress. I tiptoe
downstairs, listening for singing. On the bottom step, silence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Aha!" I'm grabbed and lifted into a spin. "There's
ma wee birthday gahrl!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Hi, Uncle Joch." I laugh. He sets me down. He's not my
real uncle. We're not related, but I've known him as long as I can remember.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Let me see, I think I have something for you here." He
pats his big leather coat. "Ah, here we go." He pulls out a packet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Beef jerky?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"I'm grabbed" doesn't need
a boiling, it needs a re-write. It's a tell, through-and-through, and could
benefit from different phraseology, something that tells us something about
Uncle Joch beyond that he's grabbed her—I'm going to guess on this one because
it's a blog post instead of a real edit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm going to borrow a page from
Elmore Leonard and get rid of most of the dialect, including the misspelling of
"gahrl"—anything that makes your work harder to read should be used
with the greatest of caution, and "ma wee" carries the accent by
itself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"He's not my real uncle"
is redundant with "we're not related," and "as long as I can
remember" is close enough to "forever".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Other than that, I tend to leave
dialogue pretty much alone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Aha!" Massive, hairy arms lift
me into a spin. "There's ma wee birthday girl!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Hi, Uncle Joch." I laugh. He
sets me down. We're not related, but I've known him forever.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Let me see, I think I have
something for you here." He pats his big leather coat. "Ah, here we
go." He pulls out a packet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Beef jerky?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Oops, that's for your beasty." He dangles a piece of
jerky. Fortinbras runs into the room to beg. He scrambles after the strip Uncle
Joch tosses. "Here we are. This is the one." Uncle Joch pulls another
package from his pocket. I unwrap it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Thanks!" It's an old fashioned wire birdcage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Put a little jam toast in it and hang it outside your window
tonight."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"What'll happen?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Don't know." He shrugs. "Got it off a goblit. Said
kids like 'em."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Okay."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Now then. What do you want for breakfast?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"A bagel?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Peanut butter sandwich it is!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The sentence "He scrambles
after the strip Uncle Joch tosses" I had to read three times. I'm sure
part of that is my fault—I don't read many first person present tense stories—but
part of it is because Joch's and Fortinbras's actions are interspersed in the
same paragraph, so "He" was ambiguous on first blush. The scrambling
implies the tossing, so I think we can safely condense all of that together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Because we've disambiguated, the
next "Uncle Joch" can be "He."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"I unwrap it" belongs in
the next paragraph, with the protagonist's dialogue, and can be condensed with
the contents therein. We have to be careful to put it before the
"Thanks!", though, so as to not change the meaning of that word—she(?)
says it after it's been unwrapped.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Oops, that's for your beasty."
Fortinbras runs in to beg, and scrambles after a piece. "Here we are. This
is the one." He pulls another package from his pocket.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I unwrap an old fashioned wire birdcage. "Thanks!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Put a little jam toast in it and
hang it outside your window tonight."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"What'll happen?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Don't know." He shrugs.
"Got it off a goblit. Said kids like 'em."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Okay."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Now then. What do you want for
breakfast?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"A bagel?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Peanut butter sandwich it is!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The downside of Uncle Joch babysitting is all he knows how to make
is peanut butter sandwiches. Good thing I like them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">That it's a downside is evident by
the "good thing" comment; other than that, we already know it's Uncle
Joch, and that he's babysitting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">They're all he knows how to make. Good
thing I like them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Uncle Joch isn't a High Fairy, but he's a species not far removed.
He's as tall as Mom, and not bad looking. He might even be handsome, if he ever
kept his face still. It twists and contorts as he talks, he can’t help it. He
speaks with a thick Scottish accent. I asked him once if he was from Scotland.
He said he's from the place Scotland is from. I still don't know what that
means.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Being a species not far removed from
a High Fairy is being not "quite" a High Fairy—and we can boil out
the "is" in "He's" by combining the first and second
sentences.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm not a fan of "might
be" in fiction, and the twists and contortions are redundant with his face
not keeping still.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The sentences about his accent can
be combined.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">As tall as Mom and not bad looking, Uncle
Joch isn't quite a High Fairy. He'd be handsome if his face wouldn't twist and
contort as he talks; he can’t help it. Because of his accent, I asked him once
if he was from Scotland. He said he's from the place Scotland is from. I still
don't know what that means.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I finish my sandwich.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Want more?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"No thanks."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Then what am I going to do with this?" Uncle Joch pulls a
sheet cake from his coat. It's got buttercream balloons all over it and says
"Happy Birthday Ben! She's a girl so put some flowers on it,” in yellow
icing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"They gave me half off for the mistake! If you're not hungry,
I'll have to eat it myself."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"I could eat a little more."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The perfunctory manner in which the
sandwich is treated meshes well with the overarching philosophy of Word Soup,
but I can't help but think that somewhere in there he should have prepared the
sandwich, or she should have taken a bite, or something should have registered
on her taste buds while she ate it...though in the spirit of the blog, I'll
leave it as-is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Meantime, we know his name so Uncle Joch
can be referred to as "he." The buttercream balloons can go with the
sheet cake, thus boiling out "It's got".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I finish my sandwich.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Want more?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"No thanks."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Then what am I going to do with
this?" He pulls a sheet cake festooned with buttercream balloons from his
coat. It says, "Happy Birthday Ben! She's a girl so put some flowers on
it,” in yellow icing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"They gave me half off for the
mistake! If you're not hungry, I'll have to eat it myself."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"I could eat a little more."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The
next morning a wrapped box waits at the foot of my bed. I tear off the paper. Mom
nailed it; black canvas sneakers with white stars. I run my finger over the
pristine white rubber. They’ll never be this clean again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Still
in yesterday's clothes, I feel funky. I take a quick shower.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The
babysitter should be here. I hope it's not Miss Lyrea. Nice but boring, Mom
says she used to be a mermaid. Now she's woman-shaped mist who sings all the
time. She makes me do vocal exercises and frets over my terrible pitch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
towel off and dress. I tiptoe downstairs, listening for singing. On the bottom
step, silence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Aha!"
Massive, hairy arms lift me into a spin. "There's ma wee birthday girl!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Hi,
Uncle Joch." I laugh. He sets me down. We're not related, but I've known
him forever.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Let
me see, I think I have something for you here." He pats his big leather
coat. "Ah, here we go." He pulls out a packet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Beef
jerky?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Oops,
that's for your beasty." Fortinbras runs in to beg, and scrambles after a
piece. "Here we are. This is the one." He pulls another package from
his pocket.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
unwrap an old fashioned wire birdcage. "Thanks!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Put
a little jam toast in it and hang it outside your window tonight."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"What'll
happen?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Don't
know." He shrugs. "Got it off a goblit. Said kids like 'em."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Okay."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Now
then. What do you want for breakfast?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"A
bagel?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Peanut
butter sandwich it is!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">They're
all he knows how to make. Good thing I like them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As
tall as Mom and not bad looking, Uncle Joch isn't quite a High Fairy. He'd be
handsome if his face wouldn't twist and contort as he talks; he can’t help it. Because
of his accent, I asked him once if he was from Scotland. He said he's from the
place Scotland is from. I still don't know what that means.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I
finish my sandwich.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Want
more?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"No
thanks."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Then
what am I going to do with this?" He pulls a sheet cake festooned with
buttercream balloons from his coat. It says, "Happy Birthday Ben! She's a
girl so put some flowers on it,” in yellow icing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"They
gave me half off for the mistake! If you're not hungry, I'll have to eat it
myself."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 13.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"I
could eat a little more."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">397 from 492, a
condensation of 19%--not too shabby with all the dialogue. What do you think?</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-52096473527378684862014-04-01T18:13:00.000-04:002014-04-02T16:37:39.720-04:00Boiling Jacky Gray<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This week's 492-word
sample comes from Jacky Gray, who</span><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> writes
Action/Adventure stories with a historical feel. Find her books <a href="about:invalid#zClosurez">here</a></span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222;">,
explore her alternate universe <a href="http://hengistarcher.co.uk/index.php/background.html">here</a></span>,<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222;"> </span></span><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222;">or follow her ramblings about writing at <a href="http://hengistpeoplehorse.blogspot.co.uk/">her blog</a></span><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #222222;">.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Let's see what we can
do with it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sitting astride his stallion Apollo, Archer
grinned as people in the crowd shouted encouragement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">‘C’mon Archer, you can do it!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">‘Go for it Finn!’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">His grin widened as he spotted his mates; they
were Finn’s friends too and their worried expressions reflected the dilemma of
who to support.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Fletch didn’t care, holding up victory fists
to both contenders in turn as he roared their names.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Chuckling, Archer returned his friend's
gesture, then wiped away the moisture on his upper lip. He was not sure
whether it was the heat of the sun or the familiar thrill of blood pumping
through his veins roasting him in his armour.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> ‘Good luck, mate.’ Tybalt, Archer’s
Second, held up his shield. ‘May the best man win.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Archer raised an eyebrow. ‘Man?’ Inside he was
secretly punching the air at the idea, as he slipped his gauntlet through the
shield straps and took the reins.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">‘Yes, Archer. Today, you and Finn are men.’
Tybalt handed over a blue and yellow lance. With an anxious glance in Finn’s
direction, he walked to the dais to prepare for the tributes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Looking down the tilt at his opponent,
Archer’s heart surged with the warmth of brotherhood. No, Finn was more than a
brother; they did not argue as siblings did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Despite the intense heat, Archer
shivered. This was not the same as an ordinary practice. The enthusiasm of
the crowd made it more exciting than anything he had ever done in his life. The
buzz of excitement was affecting everyone – many moons of effort had gone into
the preparations for this day and people had travelled from miles around to
celebrate Beltane, the Festival of the May.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Professor Niall, a senior trainer, had
pronounced them the only pair ready for the joust – all the others settled for
the rings. He nodded to both boys as he took his place on the dais.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The shield weighed heavily on Archer’s arm,
which still ached from the hours spent waxing and polishing until the metal
shone like a looking glass. Noticing how it reflected the sun, he worried that
this might give an unfair advantage if it shone in Finn’s eye. As the glare
from his opponent’s shield dazzled him, Archer realised why Niall had been so
precise about the orientation of the tilt. Siting it perpendicular to the sun’s
path meant they would both be equally disadvantaged.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Finn won the coin toss, electing that Archer’s
tribute was first because he knew people always remembered the last thing they
heard. The Seneschal introduced the two Seconds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Tybalt did a good job of supporting his
friend. As a member of the learned Magi clan, his speech was eloquent, but a
little too earnest. ‘Ladies and gents, boys and girls, I present to you
the splendid Archer, a true warrior of superlative courage and daring. This
squire is a veritable man of the horse,’ he paused at the round of applause
that greeted this statement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sitting astride his stallion Apollo, Archer grinned as people in the
crowd shouted encouragement.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">‘C’mon Archer, you can do it!’</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">‘Go for it Finn!’</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Sitting"
is redundant with "astride his stallion", and "people in"
is clutter. (Yes, it's likely that not everyone in the crowd is shouting
encouragement, but that's a good enough assumption that it doesn't need
stating.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Astride his stallion Apollo, Archer grinned as the crowd shouted
encouragement.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">‘C’mon Archer, you can do it!’</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">‘Go for it Finn!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">His grin widened as he spotted his mates; they were Finn’s friends
too and their worried expressions reflected the dilemma of who to support.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Fletch didn’t care, holding up victory fists to both contenders in
turn as he roared their names.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Chuckling, Archer returned his friend's gesture, then wiped
away the moisture on his upper lip. He was not sure whether it was the heat of
the sun or the familiar thrill of blood pumping through his veins roasting him
in his armour.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This
sentence conveys three pieces of information: that his grin widened, that they
are Finn's friends as well as his, and that they're of mixed feelings on who to
root for. By grouping the middle piece of information with the first instead of
the last, we can boil it down quite a bit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">That
Fletch didn't care is a POV glitch; Archer can't know Fletch's thoughts, so he
can only infer that Fletch doesn't care by his actions. (Fletch might care a
great deal, but want to hide it for some reason.) Thus, it's better to let the
action speak for itself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And
on that action, he can't possibly roar both names at the same time, so we can
boil out "in turn" without loss of content.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We
already know Fletch is his friend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We
can boil out a few words by making the latter half of that sentence,
"wiped sweat from his upper lip." Only let's boil out
"upper" while we're at it—sure, that's a minor loss of content, but I
don't think it's a loss of important content.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We've
got a mild case of bathos throughout the piece, where people are yelling
"c'mon" and "go for it" and "you can do
it"—modern colloquialisms all—and yet on the flip side we've got
"many moons of effort"...this leaves me a little unsure as to whether
or not to use contractions. I'm a fan of judicious contraction use in prose,
and double-down on that in dialogue. So that said, let's make "was not
sure" "wasn't sure".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We
know the sun is hot, and we know that blood pumping is familiar—indeed, it's
the hard, adrenaline-fueled pumping that is less familiar.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">His grin widened as he spotted his—and
Finn's—mates; their worried expressions reflected the dilemma of who to
support.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Fletch held up victory
fists to both contenders and roared their names.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> </span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Chuckling,
Archer returned the gesture, then wiped sweat from his lip. He wasn't sure
whether the sun or the blood pumping through his veins roasted him in his
armour.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">‘Good luck, mate.’ Tybalt, Archer’s Second, held up his shield. ‘May
the best man win.’</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Archer raised an eyebrow. ‘Man?’ Inside he was secretly punching the
air at the idea, as he slipped his gauntlet through the shield straps and took
the reins.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Anything
internal is by nature secret unless shared, and "was punching" =
"punched"—and "at the idea" can be boiled out with no loss
of content.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">‘Good luck, mate.’ Tybalt, Archer’s
Second, held up his shield. ‘May the best man win.’</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Archer raised an eyebrow. ‘Man?’ Internally
he punched the air, as he slipped his gauntlet through the shield straps and
took the reins.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">‘Yes, Archer. Today, you and Finn are men.’ Tybalt handed over a
blue and yellow lance. With an anxious glance in Finn’s direction, he walked
to the dais to prepare for the tributes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">People
rarely use a person's name when talking to that person, unless they're trying
to get their attention.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">‘Yes. Today, you and Finn are men.’
Tybalt handed over a blue and yellow lance. With an anxious glance in Finn’s
direction, he walked to the dais to prepare for the tributes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Looking down the tilt at his opponent, Archer’s heart surged with
the warmth of brotherhood. No, Finn was more than a brother; they did not argue
as siblings did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Two
minor boilings here: we can say, "They were more than brothers" and
boil out one whole word, and "did not argue as siblings did" can
become "didn't argue like siblings."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Looking down the tilt at his opponent,
Archer’s heart surged with the warmth of brotherhood. No, they were more than
brothers; they didn't argue like siblings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Despite the intense heat, Archer shivered. This was not the
same as an ordinary practice. The enthusiasm of the crowd made it more exciting
than anything he had ever done in his life. The buzz of excitement was
affecting everyone – many moons of effort had gone into the preparations for
this day and people had travelled from miles around to celebrate Beltane, the
Festival of the May.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We
already know it's hot enough that he's roasting in his armor, so we can boil
out "intense." I also think we can rearrange the sentence to
eliminate the comma, which doesn't boil out the words, but it will mentally
read faster.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Being
not the same as an ordinary practice is the same as being "not
practice."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"The
enthusiasm of the crowd" is "The crowd's enthusiasm," while "made
it" is a tell instead of a show, and it's also redundant with the
"buzz of excitement" in the next sentence. Let's combine them as much
as possible into a single, tight, idea.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"many
moons" is the biggest piece of bathos here—it's also a big-time fantasy
cliché, which may or may not be what the author is going for. I'm going to
invoke blogger's prerogative and assume it isn't.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"months
of effort" can become "months of preparation," and people who
have traveled from miles around are "visitors"...lots of them can be
a "visiting throng." We can tie it together with a good word; let's
use "crescendo."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Archer shivered despite the
heat. This wasn't practice. The crowd's enthusiasm entwined with his own,
the crescendo of months of preparation for the throngs visiting to celebrate
Beltane, the Festival of the May.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Professor Niall, a senior trainer, had pronounced them the only pair
ready for the joust – all the others settled for the rings. He nodded to both
boys as he took his place on the dais.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; tab-stops: 295.5pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Niall's position is inferable from his pronouncement, and
"all" is clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; tab-stops: 295.5pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; tab-stops: 295.5pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"as he" = "and," and "took his
place on" = "ascended."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; tab-stops: 295.5pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; tab-stops: 295.5pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The others settling for the rings isn't relevant to the main
characters of the scene, so we can remove it without loss of meaningful
content.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; tab-stops: 295.5pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; tab-stops: 295.5pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As the second sentence gives us an anchor for while we're
talking about him, let's swap the two.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Professor Niall nodded to both boys and ascended
the dais. He'd pronounced them the only pair ready for the joust.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The shield weighed heavily on Archer’s arm, which still ached from
the hours spent waxing and polishing until the metal shone like a looking
glass. Noticing how it reflected the sun, he worried that this might give an
unfair advantage if it shone in Finn’s eye. As the glare from his opponent’s
shield dazzled him, Archer realised why Niall had been so precise about the
orientation of the tilt. Siting it perpendicular to the sun’s path meant they
would both be equally disadvantaged.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"weighed
heavily on" = "weighed down," "the hours" =
"hours," and a "looking glass" is a mirror—which means we
can change the whole phrase to "to a mirror shine."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Notice"
is, in essence, the most bland of the sensory verbs—and if we stick to one POV
per scene we can always boil out sensory verbs. The sun's reflection is "sunlight,"
which we can combine with the advantage in the latter half of the sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"the
glare" can lose "the", "his opponent" is
"Finn," and "orientation" is redundant with
"tilt".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In
the last sentence, instead of explaining that it means something, we can just
say what it means.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">The shield weighed down Archer’s arm,
which still ached from hours spent waxing and polishing to a mirror shine. He
worried that sunlight in Finn's eye might give an unfair advantage. As glare
from Finn’s shield dazzled him, Archer realised why Niall had been so precise
about the tilt. By siting it perpendicular to the sun’s path, Niall
disadvantaged both opponents.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Finn won the coin toss, electing that Archer’s tribute was first
because he knew people always remembered the last thing they heard. The
Seneschal introduced the two Seconds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Again,
Archer can't read minds. So while he would likely guess Finn's motives, he
doesn't actually know them. (Also, I'm "was" adverse—let's use
"go" instead.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We
can boil out "always" if we drop the "ed" from
"remembered," and "the two" can be "their."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Finn won the coin toss, electing that
Archer’s tribute go first; people remember the last thing they heard. The
Seneschal introduced their Seconds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Tybalt did a good job of supporting his friend. As a member of the
learned Magi clan, his speech was eloquent, but a little too
earnest. ‘Ladies and gents, boys and girls, I present to you the splendid
Archer, a true warrior of superlative courage and daring. This squire is a
veritable man of the horse,’ he paused at the round of applause that greeted
this statement.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We
know from the rest of the paragraph what he's doing, so we don't need to say
"of supporting his friend," and doing "a good job" is doing
"well".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"As"
is clutter, and we should allow the reader to decide if the speech is either
eloquent or earnest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Applause
come in rounds, and it's obvious that they happen where he paused.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">A member of the learned Magi clan, Tybalt
did well. ‘Ladies and gents, boys and girls, I present to you the splendid
Archer, a true warrior of superlative courage and daring. This squire is a
veritable man of the horse.’ He paused for applause.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Astride his stallion Apollo, Archer grinned as the crowd shouted
encouragement.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">‘C’mon Archer, you can do it!’</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">‘Go for it Finn!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">His grin widened as he spotted his—and
Finn's—mates; their worried expressions reflected the dilemma of who to
support.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Fletch held up victory
fists to both contenders and roared their names.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> </span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Chuckling,
Archer returned the gesture, then wiped sweat from his lip. He wasn't sure
whether the sun or the blood pumping through his veins roasted him in his
armour.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">‘Good luck, mate.’ Tybalt, Archer’s
Second, held up his shield. ‘May the best man win.’</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Archer raised an eyebrow. ‘Man?’ Internally
he punched the air, as he slipped his gauntlet through the shield straps and
took the reins.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">‘Yes. Today, you and Finn are men.’
Tybalt handed over a blue and yellow lance. With an anxious glance in Finn’s
direction, he walked to the dais to prepare for the tributes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Looking down the tilt at his opponent,
Archer’s heart surged with the warmth of brotherhood. No, they were more than
brothers; they didn't argue like siblings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Archer shivered despite the
heat. This wasn't practice. The crowd's enthusiasm entwined with his own,
the crescendo of months of preparation for the throngs visiting to celebrate
Beltane, the Festival of the May.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Professor Niall nodded to both boys and ascended
the dais. He'd pronounced them the only pair ready for the joust.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">The shield weighed down Archer’s arm,
which still ached from hours spent waxing and polishing to a mirror shine. He
worried that sunlight in Finn's eye might give an unfair advantage. As glare
from Finn’s shield dazzled him, Archer realised why Niall had been so precise
about the tilt. By siting it perpendicular to the sun’s path, Niall
disadvantaged both opponents.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Finn won the coin toss, electing that
Archer’s tribute go first; people remember the last thing they heard. The
Seneschal introduced their Seconds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">A member of the learned Magi clan, Tybalt
did well. ‘Ladies and gents, boys and girls, I present to you the splendid
Archer, a true warrior of superlative courage and daring. This squire is a veritable
man of the horse.’ He paused for applause.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 14.25pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">359
words from 492, a reduction of 27%.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Here's
Jacky's response:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Hey Patrick, no way
did I imagine you could boil away 133 words (27%) – and here was me thinking I
did lean, mean writing. I will definitely be using a lot of your suggestions,
however the one thing I forgot to mention is that although this story is set in
modern day, I was deliberately trying to give it a medieval feel because the
characters are caught in a time-warp. Their alternate universe is still
wallowing in gentler times hence the paucity of contractions and plethora of
labored constructions which when boiled down lose that olde-worlde feel. Having
seen your treatment of Janet Oakley's work, I think this knowledge would have
affected some of your comments.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Something you may be
able to help on: I was trying to show that because he is warrior, he is very
familiar with the effects of adrenaline. I think I did say something like
"adrenaline pumping round his veins" til someone pointed out that it
doesn't. I just think that "the familiar thrill of adrenaline-fuelled
blood pumping round his veins" is way too wordy and "adrenaline
rush" is way too modern. I really like the idea of mentioning the thrill
(akin to the rush), so if there is any way you can suggest to keep the familiar
thrill and retain the period feel, I would appreciate your expertise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Coupla things that
snagged on the boiled piece: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“<i>Astride his
stallion Apollo, Archer grinned…</i>” I’m surprised this one escaped your
dislike of alliterations. </span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“<i>He paused for
applause</i>.” Not on my watch; I was vaguely aware of the potential for
this horror. Applause and clapping does feature rather a lot throughout. I may
change to "<i>He paused as the crowd showed their appreciation,</i>"
but I'm pretty sure they do this on the next page and I really liked the <i>greeting </i>-
another olde worde. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As always I have
learnt a lot from your skill in flab-trimming and I will be taking yet more
tools into my editing toolkit for more modern renditions. Thank you so
much for your time, effort and amazing skill, I’m sure there are many people
who would benefit from seeing the written word as you do. I used to think I saw
it exactly the same, but you have given me a valuable masterclass in how much I
still have to learn. I look forward eagerly to your next boiling to lean more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Fair
enough. As for the thrill, you could mention the rush without including
adrenaline, or keep the inaccurate but colloquial "adrenaline pumping
through his veins". Then again, "Flushed with excitement" or
somesuch could work just as well, depending on exactly the effect you wanted to
achieve.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thanks
so much for allowing me at your baby!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 14.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dear
reader, what do you think? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-73526507372863657642014-03-11T21:09:00.000-04:002014-03-11T21:09:42.703-04:00Boiling Ronald Albury<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Ronald Albury was kind enough to
send along the first 464 words—a somewhat truncated prologue—of his novel ENEMY
COMBATANT, based on the script of the same name that won 1<sup>st</sup> place
at the 2008 Terror Film Festival. You can find it here: </span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"><a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18944984-enemy-combatant" target="_blank"><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">https://www.goodreads.com/<wbr></wbr>book/show/18944984-enemy-<wbr></wbr>combatant</span></a></span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Let's see what we can do with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The beat-up van struggles up the
steep gravel driveway, forcing the driver to downshift into “L”. The roar
of the straining engine scatters the birds roosting above the driveway and
flushes a young deer across the van’s path. When she parks next to the
log cabin Jennifer, a pretty young woman in her late-20’s, picks up a stack of
glossy promotional brochures from the passenger seat, then removes a loaded 9mm
pistol from the glove compartment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After fumbling with the deadbolt she
bursts into the cabin. “Hey! I got those vacation brochures like I
promised. You wanted to go to the Gulf Coast side of Florida, right?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Fuck you!” a woman’s voice barks
from the back of the cabin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She continues into the kitchen,
collapses into a chair next to the table, puts down the gun, and begins to flip
through the brochures. “I don’t like this one because it is three blocks
from the beach. It’s cheaper, but I think it is worth the money to be
right on the water, don’t you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“You asshole”, the unseen woman’s
voice calls out again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Undeterred, Jennifer continues with
her sales pitch. “This one has an Olympic-sized swimming pool. I
don’t understand why they would build a swimming pool at a beach-front motel,
but what do I know?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Why are you torturing me like
this?” The other voice is nine parts anger and one part fear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Jennifer eases up from the kitchen
chair and walks toward the back of the cabin. Jennifer is not her real
name, but it is the one she is currently using. She rotates between the five
most popular girl’s names for her age group: Jennifer, Amanda, Jessica,
Melissa, and Sarah.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Aww, you know I’m not really
torturing you. I’ve told you before, Americans don’t torture.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Walking into the back room, Jennifer
studies the woman who has been cursing her. She has on a blue denim skirt
and slightly soiled white knit top. About the same size and coloring as
Jennifer, she could probably pass as her sister. Her hair is unkempt and
her tears have mixed with mascara to give her zebra cheeks. But that is
not what would catch your attention if you were to walk into the room. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She is sitting in a child’s chair,
her ankles bound to the front legs with plastic cable straps, forcing her knees
up in an awkward and uncomfortable position. Her eyes are blindfolded.
Her arms are tied behind her back at the wrists and elbows and the rope
goes through a pulley screwed into a ceiling support beam, forcing her to lean
forward to take the pressure off of her shoulders. There is a large tarp
on the floor under her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“So”, Jennifer says, “did you miss
me while I was out?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">On first blush, this reads more like
a screenplay than a novel. Third person omniscient, present tense; it's an
interesting choice for a novel, and one that gives rise to some interesting
challenges—like avoiding POV glitches, and introducing character attributes
such as height, age, and appearance. The latter are "told" in a
matter-of-fact manner in screenplays, but that violates the "show don't
tell adage".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It's also reflected in the lack of
detail; at the end of the scene we have no notion of Jennifer's height, weight (save
that she's "pretty", which might or might not imply thin, or
muscular, or what-have-you), hair color, eye color, etc. Not one whit of this
would come up in a screenplay (where the visuals would take care of
themselves—with the help of a large number of industry professionals), and while
too much description would bog down a novel, I feel that this needs at least
some.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The beat-up van struggles
up the steep gravel driveway, forcing the driver to downshift into “L”.
The roar of the straining engine scatters the birds roosting above the
driveway and flushes a young deer across the van’s path. When she parks
next to the log cabin Jennifer, a pretty young woman in her late-20’s, picks up
a stack of glossy promotional brochures from the passenger seat, then removes a
loaded 9mm pistol from the glove compartment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If we call "the driver"
Jennifer we can boil out "the driver".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"The A of the B" can
almost always be rephrased as "The B's A", so "The roar of the
straining engine" is "The straining engine's roar"....and as
we've made Jennifer the subject instead of the van, "the van's path"
becomes "her path".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We don't need to say "when she
does A, then she does B"—the sequentiality is implied.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm going to move the "pretty
young woman in her late-twenties" to much later, where we can fold it in
as a "show" rather than a "tell".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Picks up" can be boiled
down and made a bit more vibrant through the choice of a different verb.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Loaded" is implied, as is
"pistol" (given that a 9mm rifle wouldn't fit in a glove box!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">The
beat-up van struggles up the steep gravel driveway, forcing Jennifer to
downshift into “L”. The straining engine's roar scatters the birds
roosting above the driveway and flushes a young deer across her path. She
parks next to the log cabin, swipes a stack of glossy promotional brochures
from the passenger seat, and removes a 9mm from the glove compartment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After fumbling with the
deadbolt she bursts into the cabin. “Hey! I got those vacation
brochures like I promised. You wanted to go to the Gulf Coast side of
Florida, right?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There's something here that's
unclear. If the deadbolt is on the inside (as it would be in a normal
situation), she wouldn't fumble with it here, she'd use a key. If it's on the
outside, that should be made more apparent. Given the situation, I'm going with
"on the outside". (This is, as usual, one of those cases where I'd
consult with the author instead of just changing things were this a true edit
rather than a boiling.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I tend to leave dialogue by and
large alone, but there's some level of Maid-and-Butler dialogue (also known as,
"As you know, Bob") here that can boil away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">She
unlatches the external deadbolt and bursts into the cabin. “Hey! I
got those vacation brochures. Gulf Coast of Florida, right?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Fuck you!” a woman’s
voice barks from the back of the cabin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">People speak with their voices, so
we don't need to say so, and we already know it's a cabin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Fuck
you!” a woman barks from the back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She continues into the
kitchen, collapses into a chair next to the table, puts down the gun, and
begins to flip through the brochures. “I don’t like this one because it
is three blocks from the beach. It’s cheaper, but I think it is worth the
money to be right on the water, don’t you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A kitchen with a table and chairs
can be a dinette, at which point we don't need to say that the chair is next to
the table.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Continues into" =
"enters".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Begins to", "started
to", and all such verbiage can be cut wherever it isn't important to the
plot that the action is interrupted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In the dialogue, that she doesn't
like it is redundant with the latter sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Also, judicious use of contractions
helps keep prose—and especially dialogue—from being stilted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">She
enters the dinette, collapses into a chair, puts down the gun, and flips
through the brochures. “This one's three blocks from the beach.
It’s cheaper, but I think it's worth the money to be right on the water,
don’t you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“You asshole”, the unseen
woman’s voice calls out again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I don't think any of this attribution
is necessary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“You
asshole.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Undeterred, Jennifer
continues with her sales pitch. “This one has an Olympic-sized swimming
pool. I don’t understand why they would build a swimming pool at a
beach-front motel, but what do I know?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The dialogue makes it clear both
that Jennifer is undeterred, and that she continues. Otherwise, you can confer
the same dialogue and tone with a few fewer words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“This
one has an Olympic-sized swimming pool. Why would they build a swimming
pool on a beach?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Why are you torturing me
like this?” The other voice is nine parts anger and one part fear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There are only two characters
present, so "the other" = "her".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Then there's "is". Like
all conjugations of the verb "to be", it merits further scrutiny. At
best, it's a tell instead of a show. It's a good indication that the same
content can be conveyed through more vivid words. 1/10<sup>th</sup> = tinged,
and an angry voice = a snarl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Why
are you torturing me like this?” Fear tinged her snarl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Jennifer eases up from the
kitchen chair and walks toward the back of the cabin. Jennifer is not her
real name, but it is the one she is currently using. She rotates between
the five most popular girl’s names for her age group: Jennifer, Amanda,
Jessica, Melissa, and Sarah.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To ease up from a chair is to stand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Because she walks into the back room
in the next paragraph, we don't need to say that she walks toward it in this
one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The fact that Jennifer isn't (not
"is not") her real name, combined with the last sentence, renders
"but it is the one she is currently using" redundant. So let's boil
it out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We can replace "for her age
group" with the "late 20s" from above.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Jennifer
stands. It isn't her real name. She rotates between the five most popular
names for women approaching thirty: Jennifer, Amanda, Jessica, Melissa, and
Sarah.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Aww, you know I’m not
really torturing you. I’ve told you before, Americans don’t torture.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">More Maid-and-Butler dialogue, here,
compounded by telling her that she knows with a "you know".... I think
the "Aww" conveys the sarcastic disdain well enough without the
"Really".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Aww,
I’m not torturing you. Americans don’t torture.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Walking into the back
room, Jennifer studies the woman who has been cursing her. She has on a
blue denim skirt and slightly soiled white knit top. About the same size
and coloring as Jennifer, she could probably pass as her sister. Her hair
is unkempt and her tears have mixed with mascara to give her zebra cheeks.
But that is not what would catch your attention if you were to walk into
the room. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She is sitting in a
child’s chair, her ankles bound to the front legs with plastic cable straps,
forcing her knees up in an awkward and uncomfortable position. Her eyes
are blindfolded. Her arms are tied behind her back at the wrists and
elbows and the rope goes through a pulley screwed into a ceiling support beam,
forcing her to lean forward to take the pressure off of her shoulders.
There is a large tarp on the floor under her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Common in a screenplay, it's rare in
fiction to find an author addressing the reader directly. I'd avoid it here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Because we're in Jennifer's POV, we
don't have to say that Jennifer studies the woman—and that she walks into the
back room can go with the paragraph above.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"She has on" = "In"
if we combine it with the next sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We can boil out "slightly"
with no loss of content—"soiled" isn't "filthy", after all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We can combine the comment about
size and coloring with the line about sisterhood, and boil out the
"probably" on our way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"have given" =
"give"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We can imply the messy hair by
making her Jennifer's "unkempt sister", as long as we reword the last
sentence of this paragraph just a little.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And because it's now so short, let's
combine this paragraph with the next one, after eliminating the direct-address
to the reader.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">That she's sitting is plain from the
rest of the description. Awkward positions tend to be uncomfortable, and saying
so is a POV glitch—Jennifer could infer the discomfort, but can see the
awkwardness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The blindfold can move up with the
zebra cheeks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The "are" in "her
arms are tied" is another "to be". We can eliminate this one by
making the rope the subject of the sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"The pressure" can lose
"the".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The tarp can go with the child's
chair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And though it isn't a boil-out per
se, "goes" should be something more vibrant. I'm going with
"snakes".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">She
walks into the back room. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">In
a blue denim skirt and soiled white knit top, with her size and coloring the
woman could pass as Jennifer's unkempt sister. Tears mixed with mascara give
her zebra cheeks under her blindfold. Plastic cable straps bind her ankles to a
child’s chair on a tarp, forcing her knees up in an awkward position. The rope
tying her arms behind her back at the wrists and elbows snakes through a pulley
screwed into a ceiling support beam, forcing her to lean forward to take pressure
off of her shoulders.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“So”, Jennifer says, “did
you miss me while I was out?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Here we need the speech tag—though
you might consider changing it to an action instead. We'll boil out the
"while I was out" to make room for it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Jennifer
leans against the doorframe. “So, did you miss me?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">The
beat-up van struggles up the steep gravel driveway, forcing Jennifer to
downshift into “L”. The straining engine's roar scatters the birds
roosting above the driveway and flushes a young deer across her path. She
parks next to the log cabin, swipes a stack of glossy promotional brochures
from the passenger seat, and removes a 9mm from the glove compartment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">She
unlatches the external deadbolt and bursts into the cabin. “Hey! I
got those vacation brochures. Gulf Coast of Florida, right?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Fuck
you!” a woman barks from the back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">She
enters the dinette, collapses into a chair, puts down the gun, and flips
through the brochures. “This one's three blocks from the beach.
It’s cheaper, but I think it's worth the money to be right on the water,
don’t you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“You
asshole.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“This
one has an Olympic-sized swimming pool. Why would they build a swimming
pool on a beach?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Why
are you torturing me like this?” Fear tinged her snarl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Jennifer
stands. It isn't her real name. She rotates between the five most popular
names for women approaching thirty: Jennifer, Amanda, Jessica, Melissa, and
Sarah.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Aww,
I’m not torturing you. Americans don’t torture.” She walks into the back room. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">In
a blue denim skirt and soiled white knit top, with her size and coloring the
woman could pass as Jennifer's unkempt sister. Tears mixed with mascara give
her zebra cheeks under her blindfold. Plastic cable straps bind her ankles to a
child’s chair on a tarp, forcing her knees up in an awkward position. The rope
tying her arms behind her back at the wrists and elbows snakes through a pulley
screwed into a ceiling support beam, forcing her to lean forward to take pressure
off of her shoulders.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #5b9bd5; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Jennifer
leans against the doorframe. “So, did you miss me?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">299
words, down from the original 464, a reduction of 35.5%. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
always give authors a chance to respond before I post, and Ronald took me up on
it. This is what he said:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thank you for taking the time go to through
the excerpt and proposing edits. While I do agree with some of your
changes, there are others I can't embrace. In the end, your version is
certainly more concise, but to me it feels less pleasurable to read. It
now seems like a TV dinner rather than a home cooked meal. It may be that
saying the gun was loaded is unnecessary, but it may also be that the word
"loaded" is a necessary dash of salt to let the reader know that the
situation is serious.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I do tend to have exposition and an occasional
info dump in my writing, but to me having a "rule" against exposition
and info dumps is too rigid. I use them for "stage setting",
and to provide necessary information to the reader while keeping them focused
on what I feel is important. If one were to edit "Old Man and the
Sea" and eliminate the exposition you'd end up with "Some Guy in a
Boat". Tom Clancy is another author who not only has exposition and
info dumps in his works, but relies on them to tell his story.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Two other rules I violated (that you couldn't
see because I could only send an excerpt) were writing in first person and
changing POV half way through the book (to third person omni present).
But these sins are committed with intent and for a purpose.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Perhaps I am just being protective of my baby.
Perhaps I am one of those authors who is so inward facing that they are
deaf to good advice. Or perhaps it is just a question of style and
voice. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Thanks again for the effort you obviously put
into this.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">What do
you think?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-29363069618637706192014-03-03T23:03:00.003-05:002014-03-03T23:03:43.155-05:00*sigh*<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">After spending three hours on my latest Word Soup post this Sunday, I send it to the submitter, and just got this reply:</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">"Patrick, </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">To be perfectly honest, I cannot even remember who you are or what you are supposed to be doing. Whatever it is though...please stop. I read you 'shrinking' of my opening chapter and do not agree with a single thing you have 'corrected'. Opening line too long? Okay...only short lines are acceptable. You really have no idea what you are talking about. I will not go on becuase it was all to ludicrous to be discussed. Whatever it is you do...leave me out of it and cancel whatever it was I was stupid enough to agree too with your business.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">No reply necessary. Thanks."</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">Too bad, too, because she has some real talent.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">Too bad, three, because I don't have time to come up with another *#@&ing post for this week, and this was my first after a robotics-induced hiatus.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">My level of irk is high, but not as high as her level of unprofessionalism. Either she never looked at what I do on my blog, or she totally forgot and decided to be nasty about it.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">For my part, I replied, </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">"FYI, you asked me to boil down your work in my editing blog Word Soup (which isn't a business--I don't get paid for it), with this message:</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">'Hello Patrick,</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">I saw your post on the ABNA site and wanted to submit my under-500 word blurb. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">Cheers</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">[Name Redacted]'</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">(Attached was the sample I used.)</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">I'm sorry something changed in the meantime. Good luck in your endeavors."</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17.940000534057617px;">What I wanted to reply was far less polite.<br /><br />So, dear reader, thank you for checking in, but I won't have a post this week. I should have one next week, unless there's a repeat of this kind of behavior.</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-65696450795605828812014-01-15T16:16:00.007-05:002014-01-15T16:16:56.898-05:00Boiling Jane Daly<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This week's sample
comes from Jane Daly, 510 whimsical words about, well, words. And punctuation.
And impending intrigue. It's offbeat and more than a little quirky, which we'll
have to preserve as we boil it down. Jane says she's never been quite
comfortable with this passage—let's see what we can do with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Chief cracked open
the door to the Minced Words Diner and peered inside. The last thing he needed
was to be spotted by someone he knew. But the place was almost deserted at this
time of night. Just a couple of lines nursing drinks at the bar, and sitting in
the far corner, a lone exclamation mark, looking like she’d been used one too
many times.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He pushed himself the
rest of the way in, frowning as the small tinkle of a bell announced his
arrival. But the other patrons never glanced in his direction. He hung up his
coat and slipped into the nearest booth, facing the door.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A young waitress
appeared from the back, bringing a steaming pot of black coffee. “Nasty night
to be out,” she greeted him, pouring him a cup of the thick brew. “You might
want to put something a little stronger in your coffee on a night like–”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She stopped in
mid-sentence, having suddenly spied the neat row of red pens lined up in the
Chief’s pocket protector. Her eyes narrowed. “Look, mister, this is a clean
joint. You won’t find anything that’s not in the dictionary.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Chief found that
hard to believe, but he let it pass. He wasn’t here to bust a Mom ‘n’ Pop shop.
Instead, he removed a business card from his wallet and handed it to the
waitress. “Chief Ed Itor, ma’am,” he introduced himself. “I’m looking for some
information.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The waitress glanced
at the card for a moment before tossing it back on the table. “What makes you
think <i>I</i> know something?” she retorted. “Look, unless you want
some apple pie to go with that coffee, I’ve got nothing more to say.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Chief reached over
and gently took the coffeepot from her, setting it on the table. “Listen, it’s
all right,” he assured her. “Emily Dash sent me.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Emily—Em Dash sent
you here?” the waitress gasped. “Is she—is she all right?”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“You’d better sit
down,” the Chief suggested. The waitress nodded and slid onto the opposite
bench. He poured her a cup of coffee and she took it gratefully.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“What’s your name?”
the Chief asked her. “Your real name.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Anna,” she replied,
her voice faraway.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Chief nodded.
“You’re Bob Palindrome’s daughter. I met you when you were just a tot, you and
your mom, Hannah. Before the whole Palindrome family went into hiding.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Yes, I remember now.
My Dad used to talk about the wild times you two had. ‘Evil did I dwell, lewd
did I live,’ he used to say,” Anna said. She held up her hand to reveal a slim
gold wedding band. “But the name’s not Palindrome anymore. It’s Graham, now.
Anna Graham.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Congratulations,” the
Chief smiled. “But Anna, there’s been trouble down at the Famous Last Words
Park. Em Dash—she didn’t want to blow your cover—but she thought you might have
heard something.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Anna leaned across the
table. “You didn’t hear it from me,” she said. “But they say Mr. Jargon has
infiltrated ACRONYM.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Chief cracked open the
door to the Minced Words Diner and peered inside. The last thing he needed was
to be spotted by someone he knew. But the place was almost deserted at this
time of night. Just a couple of lines nursing drinks at the bar, and sitting in
the far corner, a lone exclamation mark, looking like she’d been used one too
many times.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If the door was
previously open, we wouldn't say the Chief "cracked" the door, so
"cracked open" can lose the "open."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm always leery of
"the [noun] of the (or to the) [noun]" phraseology, and I'm equally
suspicious of "person did this and that" sentences. We can boil
things down by combining the two, and while we're at it we can call it
"half-deserted", thus boiling out the third sentence entirely (if we
add in that it's late somewhere else).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"The last thing
he needed was to be" is clunky, and comes from not trusting the audience.
Let's move it to the end of the paragraph and boil it down to just the facts
(ma'am), where the reader can infer that he pushes himself the rest of the way
in because the place contains no one he knows.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Just" is
clutter, and we can boil down the exclamation point line by smoothing over
those commas—and in the meantime let's emphasize the overused quality by
changing "sat" to "slumped". I like the turn of phrase,
"looking like she'd been used one too many times," too much to change
it to "looking over-used." While we could boil it down, I think it
would lose too much of the noir feel if we did so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Chief peered
through the cracked door into the half-deserted Minced Words Diner. A couple of
lines nursed drinks at the bar, and a lone exclamation mark slumped in the far
corner, looking like she’d been used one too many times. No one who'd recognize
him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He pushed himself the rest
of the way in, frowning as the small tinkle of a bell announced his arrival.
But the other patrons never glanced in his direction. He hung up his coat and
slipped into the nearest booth, facing the door.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As a general rule,
reflexive pronouns can boil out without the slightest loss of content.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Tinkles are small, we
have the "of a" to contend with again, and everyone knows what a bell
on a door is designed to do—which is further emphasized by the next sentence
anyway. Let's combine these sentences to boil things a little further.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Never" is
an odd word choice here, because it's in response to a single action, a single
point in time. "In his direction" = "his way".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">An editor who isn't me
might call out the not-simultaneous coat-hang and sit, but I think changing
"and" to "then" isn't necessary here—there's nothing wrong
with implied sequentiality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He pushed through,
frowning as the bell tinkled, but nobody glanced his way. He hung up his coat
and slipped into the nearest booth, facing the door.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A young waitress appeared
from the back, bringing a steaming pot of black coffee. “Nasty night to be out,”
she greeted him, pouring him a cup of the thick brew. “You might want to put
something a little stronger in your coffee on a night like–”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If he's facing the
door, he can't know that the waitress appeared from the back, and she can't
bring coffee without appearing anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It's a little weird
that she poured him coffee without asking him what he wanted to drink, but
let's roll with it anyway: We don't need to split the action. Coffee is a brew,
and it's no thicker than water.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"She greeted
him" is one example of several speech tags in this sample. Most speech
tags can be boiled out without loss of content, but redundant speech tags that
tell the reader what the dialogue already tells them need to be purged wherever
found. Through this exercise I'll boil them out without further comment on
them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A young waitress brought
a steaming pot of black coffee and poured him a cup. “Nasty night to be out. You
might want to put something a little stronger in your coffee on a night like–”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She stopped in mid-sentence,
having suddenly spied the neat row of red pens lined up in the Chief’s pocket
protector. Her eyes narrowed. “Look, mister, this is a clean joint. You won’t
find anything that’s not in the dictionary.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She stopped in
mid-sentence, so we don't need to say that she stopped in mid-sentence.
"Suddenly spied' is a POV glitch—we started in his, now we're in hers. We
need to describe this action as the Chief sees it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A neat row is already
lined up, and "the Chief's" = "his."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Part of me wants to
change the last line to "Y'all won't find anything that ain't in the
dictionary", because that will make some people twitch—but that's taking
my job too far!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Her eyes narrowed at
the neat row of red pens in his pocket protector. “Look, mister, this is a
clean joint. You won’t find anything that’s not in the dictionary.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Chief found that hard
to believe, but he let it pass. He wasn’t here to bust a Mom ‘n’ Pop shop.
Instead, he removed a business card from his wallet and handed it to the
waitress. “Chief Ed Itor, ma’am,” he introduced himself. “I’m looking for some
information.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"The Chief"
= "He", and "he let it pass" is redundant with the next
sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Because he didn't do
anything, and we're not even sure exactly what he might have done instead, we
don't need "Instead".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We can combine
removing the card and handing it to "the waitress" = "her".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He found that hard to
believe, but wasn’t here to bust a Mom ‘n’ Pop shop. He handed her a business
card from his wallet. “Chief Ed Itor, ma’am. I’m looking for some information.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The waitress glanced at
the card for a moment before tossing it back on the table. “What makes you
think <i>I</i> know something?” she retorted. “Look, unless you want
some apple pie to go with that coffee, I’ve got nothing more to say.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We know she's a
waitress, we know it's a card, and a glance by nature is momentary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She glanced at it
before tossing it back on the table. “What makes you think <i>I</i> know
something? Look, unless you want some apple pie to go with that coffee, I’ve
got nothing more to say.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Chief reached over and
gently took the coffeepot from her, setting it on the table. “Listen, it’s all
right,” he assured her. “Emily Dash sent me.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To reach over and take
gently is to "lift."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He lifted the
coffeepot from her, setting it on the table. “Listen, it’s all right. Emily
Dash sent me.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “Emily—Em Dash sent you here?” the waitress
gasped. “Is she—is she all right?”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm conflicted, here.
We don't need to repeat his "Emily" for the joke to carry, but it
does give us an excuse to use an emdash. Having thought about it a while, I
think that anyone who's still reading at this point will be amused without the
use of the actual punctuation—just as no exclamation points were used on the
poor overused one in the introductory paragraph. Let's compromise and use only
one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We certainly don't
need the gasp as a speech tag, as you can't gasp and speak at the same time
anyway. There's also no reason to split up the dialogue in that manner. That
said, if we want to keep the gasp, it belongs at the beginning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She gasped. “Em Dash?
Is she—is she all right?”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “You’d better sit down,” the Chief suggested.
The waitress nodded and slid onto the opposite bench. He poured her a cup of
coffee and she took it gratefully.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“What’s your name?” the
Chief asked her. “Your real name.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We don't need her to
nod, as she complies with the suggestion, and we can't say that she's grateful
because we're not in her POV.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">One wonders where he
got the second cup from. There'd be no reason for her to have brought two to a
table with one person. As he hasn't had any yet, let's assume he gives it to
her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“You’d better sit
down.” He pushed the cup over as she slid onto the opposite bench. She grabbed
it with both hands. “What’s your name? Your real name.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Anna,” she replied, her
voice faraway.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I don't know why her
voice would be far away when she's across the table. We could say that
"she replied, voice soft," but that's four words more than necessary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Anna.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Chief nodded. “You’re
Bob Palindrome’s daughter. I met you when you were just a tot, you and your
mom, Hannah. Before the whole Palindrome family went into hiding.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This is next to impossible
to boil down the "right" way, because of the literary shenanigans
hidden therein... Tot/mom/Hannah all in the same sentence is obviously
intentional (and pretty darned witty), but it's also clunky. Anna knows who her
mom is, so the dialogue comes across as fake. We can boil it a little, and make
it more authentic, by frontloading Hannah.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And let's merge the
last two sentences while we're at it. There's no reason to say
"Palindrome" twice, here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He nodded. “You’re Bob
and Hannah Palindrome’s daughter. I met you when you were just a tot, before you
went into hiding.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Yes, I remember now. My
Dad used to talk about the wild times you two had. ‘Evil did I dwell, lewd did
I live,’ he used to say,” Anna said. She held up her hand to reveal a slim gold
wedding band. “But the name’s not Palindrome anymore. It’s Graham, now. Anna
Graham.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The "Yes" is
extraneous. "My Dad" in this context would be "he".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">An aside: the
palindrome is making me a bit twitchy, here, because the reverse of "Evil
did I dwell" is "llewd I did live", not "lewd did I
live". The single/double "l" I can forgive, but "did
I" should become "I did", or vice-versa. However, this is such a
specific piece of dialogue—hell, maybe Bob was bad at his namesake linguistic
device—that I'm going to leave it as-is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The last bit of
dialogue we can boil down by assuming that Ed isn't an idiot, and can pick up
that her last name has changed without getting clubbed over the head with it
quite so hard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I remember now. He
used to talk about the wild times you two had. ‘Evil did I dwell, lewd did I
live,’ he used to say.” She held up her hand to reveal a slim gold wedding
band. “But it’s Anna Graham, now.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Congratulations,” the
Chief smiled. “But Anna, there’s been trouble down at the Famous Last Words
Park. Em Dash—she didn’t want to blow your cover—but she thought you might have
heard something.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Let's move the action
to the front of the dialogue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In dialogue, people
rarely say one another's name unless they're trying to get their attention, so
let's boil out "Anna". "Been" and "down" are
clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If it's the intent to
use an emdash every time Em Dash is mentioned, then my boiling of this last
sentence of dialogue is not going to fly with the author, but it will read
better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He smiled.
“Congratulations. But there’s trouble at the Famous Last Words Park. Em didn’t
want to blow your cover, but thought you might have heard something.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Anna leaned across the
table. “You didn’t hear it from me,” she said. “But they say Mr. Jargon has
infiltrated ACRONYM.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Let's change
"across the table" to "close", and boil out the speech tag.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Anna leaned close. “You
didn’t hear it from me, but they say Mr. Jargon has infiltrated ACRONYM.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Upon reading the
resultant boiled-down prose, a structural problem really pops out now that
we're using "He" and "She" instead of "The Chief"
and "The Waitress": most of the paragraphs have the same form of
"He/she does something, then says something. Let's break it up a little.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Chief peered
through the cracked door into the half-deserted Minced Words Diner. A couple of
lines nursed drinks at the bar, and a lone exclamation mark slumped in the far
corner, looking like she’d been used one too many times. No one who'd recognize
him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He pushed through,
frowning as the bell tinkled, but nobody glanced his way. He hung up his coat
and slipped into the nearest booth, facing the door.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A young waitress brought
a steaming pot of black coffee and poured him a cup. “Nasty night to be out. You
might want to put something a little stronger in your coffee on a night like–”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Her eyes narrowed at
the neat row of red pens in his pocket protector. “Look, mister, this is a
clean joint. You won’t find anything that’s not in the dictionary.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He found that hard to
believe, but wasn’t here to bust a Mom ‘n’ Pop shop. He handed her a business
card from his wallet. “Chief Ed Itor, ma’am. I’m looking for some information.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“What makes you
think <i>I</i> know something? Look, unless you want some apple pie
to go with that coffee, I’ve got nothing more to say.” She tossed the card onto
the table.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He lifted the
coffeepot from her, setting it down. “Listen, it’s all right. Emily Dash sent
me.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She gasped. “Em Dash?
Is she—is she all right?”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“You’d better sit
down.” He pushed the cup over as she slid onto the opposite bench. She grabbed
it with both hands. “What’s your name? Your real name.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Anna.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He nodded. “You’re Bob
and Hannah Palindrome’s daughter. I met you when you were just a tot, before you
went into hiding.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“I remember now. He
used to talk about the wild times you two had. ‘Evil did I dwell, lewd did I
live,’ he used to say.” She held up her hand to reveal a slim gold wedding
band. “But it’s Anna Graham, now.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">His smile didn't last.
“Congratulations. But there’s trouble at the Famous Last Words Park. Em didn’t
want to blow your cover, but thought you might have heard something.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Anna leaned close.
“You didn’t hear it from me, but they say Mr. Jargon has infiltrated ACRONYM.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">That's 372 words, down from
510, a reduction of 27%. What do you think?</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-56988007688944170042013-12-31T22:23:00.000-05:002013-12-31T22:23:16.943-05:00Boiling Janet Oakley<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">First, a quick
apology: comments don't seem to be appearing on the blog. I see them, I get an
e-mail notification that they exist, and then they disappear. No idea why that
is, but I'm looking into it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This week's boiling
comes from Janet Oakley, another friend from the ABNA forums. She's offered up
a 508-word excerpt from <i><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Mist-shi-mus: A Novel of Captivity</span></i>. This
piece (what little of it we see here) has a period feel to it, so we have to
take care to preserve that while we boil it down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Let's see what we can
do.<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Original:<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Interspersed among the hooped skirts like kingpins between egg
cups were the soldiers and officers of the two military camps dressed on the
hot summer day in their red or blue wool uniforms. Separating out of the group
of officers, Captain Pickett greeted Jeannie and Gladyse as though they were
the goddesses of grace and beauty.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Good day, ladies and
welcome.” Pickett gave his hand to Jeannie and helped her down. Always the
gentleman, Jeannie thought, as a young subaltern with very large drooping
mustaches steadied the team of horses.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Once Jeannie and Gladyse were on the ground, they were escorted
to an awning where a group of ladies sat on folding canvas chairs. The day was
hazy but before them the expansive water that flowed miles across the straits
to the Olympic Mountains and Vancouver Island sparkled like a sheet of cut
crystals. The sun was not far behind.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Gladyse immediately found someone to talk to and preparing her
hooped skirt before she sat down, joined in the on-going conversation. Before
long, Jeannie been introduced and new acquaintances made. She was relieved that
none of the British ladies were from her part of England. Lately, she was aware
of Devonshire men in the marine ranks and she feared that someone might
recognize her. Would they know her family?</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Ladies and gentlemen,
the race is about to begin. Please bring your horses to the starting line.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Is the brown bay your
favorite, Mrs. Naughton?” United States Captain James Forsyth suddenly appeared
at her shoulder with Andrew Pierce, both of whom Jeannie had met at Pickett’s
dinner. Forsyth nodded at the Hudson’s Bay horse. “Or are you interested in
international harmony and support all favorites?”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Jeannie laughed to see the horses gathered at the start. “I
suppose in the interest of the joint occupation I should cheer for all,
although in reality I should cheer any poor brute to make its way safely to the
other end of the prairie.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Then you should cheer
for Captain Pickett’s horse. It’s the black one next to HBC horse.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So I shall.” She studied
the horses stamping and tossing their heads in anticipation. Their riders sat
astride and worked the reins in their leathered gloved hands. Soldiers and
marines struck wagers. Beyond them a new group arrived from the beach far
below. In it were Jonas Breed, Collie Henderson and his Indian friend, Sihks.
They stood off in the middle behind the starting line as though they didn’t
want to commit to either nationality.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">You are not wild, today</span></i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">. She stole a glance at him. The cedar rope necklace he wore on
the day he confronted Krill was still visible at the neck of his linen shirt.
He was coatless, but wore a tan canvas vest over his shirt and braces. He makes
no apologies for his casual dress, she thought, but with the heat of the day
increasing, there were others, for sure, who were itching to join him. As she
watched him, she felt a little prick in her throat.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Condensation:<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Interspersed among the hooped skirts like kingpins between egg cups
were the soldiers and officers of the two military camps dressed on the hot
summer day in their red or blue wool uniforms. Separating out of the group of
officers, Captain Pickett greeted Jeannie and Gladyse as though they were the
goddesses of grace and beauty.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This first sentence is a doozy of a
run-on. Let's see if we can't tidy it up a bit. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">First, an admission: I'm not a fan
of simile in fiction. Some people cherish their similes, but by and large I
find that they distract from the narrative rather than enhance it. Most of the
time, eliminating a simile by itself might leave us with enough, but sometimes
more description is needed to make up for the boiling. In this case, I think we
can get away with the former.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"The two military camps"
implies that at this point in the story the reader is aware that there are two
camps at the race, and both are military.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Not all soldiers are officers, but
all officers are soldiers, so let's boil out "and officers".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"The hooped skirts" is
confusing. Surely there are women wearing these skirts?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Hot summer day" is a "tell",
not a "show". Let's describe Pickett's discomfort in the heat—this will
both personalize the detail and remove the "tell".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In the first sentence, officers were
interspersed. Now we have "the group"; so despite it not boiling out
anything, let's make that "a group".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Separating out of" is
rather vague, and it puts the action before the actor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The last line, "as though they
were the goddesses of grace and beauty", is a tell. We'd be better served
with a sentence describing how he greeted them. A bow and a kiss to the hand?
Let's move that to the next paragraph.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Soldiers in red or blue wool stood interspersed among women in
hooped skirts. Captain Pickett split from a group of officers to greet Jeannie
and Gladyse, a sheen of sweat on his forehead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Good day, ladies and
welcome.” Pickett gave his hand to Jeannie and helped her down. Always the
gentleman, Jeannie thought, as a young subaltern with very large drooping
mustaches steadied the team of horses.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">You don't kiss a hand without taking
it, so let's add the chivalry there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm not big on thought attributions
unless absolutely necessary, but in this case it establishes Jeannie as the POV
anchor for this scene—though because her thoughts are italicized later in the
piece, let's do that here to be consistent. It should, however, split off into
a new paragraph, distinct from Pickett's dialogue. In the process, let's boil
out the "as" and make the thought its own sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mustaches cannot droop unless large.
Very, like really, is almost always clutter, so let's boil it out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Multiple horses are a team, so that
can go, too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Good day, ladies and
welcome.” Pickett kissed Jeannie's hand and helped her down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<i><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Always the gentleman</span></i><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">, Jeannie thought. A young subaltern with drooping
mustaches steadied the horses.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Once Jeannie and Gladyse were on the ground, they were escorted to
an awning where a group of ladies sat on folding canvas chairs. The day was
hazy but before them the expansive water that flowed miles across the straits
to the Olympic Mountains and Vancouver Island sparkled like a sheet of cut
crystals. The sun was not far behind.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">They got on the ground last
paragraph, so we don't need to reiterate it here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"They were escorted" fails
the "by zombies" test for passive voice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Ladies—plural—is a group, so we
don't need to call them a group.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Was," like all conjugations
of the verb "to be," is a good indication that something can be
boiled. So "The day was hazy" deserves scrutiny...in the meantime,
let's incorporate the "but" and eliminate the "day".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Expansive" and
"miles" say essentially the same thing, so we could boil one out.
However, both are implied with the rest of the view, so let's boil them both
out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"that flowed" = "flowing"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"A sheet of cut crystals"
doesn't make sense to me—cut crystals don't come in sheets, they come in little
faceted gems—and I have no idea what "The sun was not far behind" is
supposed to convey beyond the fact that the sun is out in the daytime. We could
go with "sparkled like diamonds", but I don't think the simile is
necessary here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Pickett escorted them to an awning where ladies sat on folding
canvas chairs. Despite the haze, the water flowing across the straits to the
Olympic Mountains and Vancouver Island sparkled in the sunlight.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Gladyse immediately found someone to talk to and preparing her
hooped skirt before she sat down, joined in the on-going conversation. Before
long, Jeannie been introduced and new acquaintances made. She was relieved that
none of the British ladies were from her part of England. Lately, she was aware
of Devonshire men in the marine ranks and she feared that someone might
recognize her. Would they know her family?</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Let's purge the adverb, consolidate
"found someone to talk to" with "joined in the on-going
conversation," and eliminate the explicit sequentiality of "before
she".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Joined in" can lose
"in", and "on-going" is obvious by the fact that Gladyse is
able to join.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Had been introduced...by
zombies."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"New acquaintances made...by
zombies."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A passive-to-active rewrite boils
out a lot of unneeded words. In the meantime, the barrage of short actions
gives the sense of "immediately" without having to say "immediately".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To be from her part of England, they'd
have to be British. The rhetorical question at the end of the paragraph conveys
her anxiety, and the relief can stand implied. "Her part of England"
is Devonshire, so we can just say so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Devonshire men in the marine
ranks" are "marines from Devonshire", and we can convey her
anxiety better by adding a thought instead of telling the reader that she
feared recognition.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Gladyse prepared her hooped skirt, sat down, joined the conversation,
and made introductions. None lived in Devonshire, thank God. No marines from Devonshire
had recognized Jeannie, either. Would they know her family?</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Ladies and gentlemen, the
race is about to begin. Please bring your horses to the starting line.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Is the brown bay your favorite, Mrs. Naughton?”
United States Captain James Forsyth suddenly appeared at her shoulder with
Andrew Pierce, both of whom Jeannie had met at Pickett’s dinner. Forsyth nodded
at the Hudson’s Bay horse. “Or are you interested in international harmony and
support all favorites?”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I have no issue with the first line
of dialogue per se, except that it's disembodied. We have no notion of who said
it, so I'm going to make up a name.... How about Sergeant Broud? Sure, why not.
(This is of course one of those situations where the editor would talk to the
author, were this a real edit and not a blog post.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm going to boil the next paragraph
assuming that while Jeannie has met Forsyth and Pierce in the past, this wasn't
part of the narrative, so this is the reader's first encounter with them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Let's boil out the adverb, as
"appeared" is sudden enough. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Both of whom Jeannie had
met" = "Jeannie had met them"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sergeant Broud clapped his hands. </span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Ladies and gentlemen,
the race is about to begin. Please bring your horses to the starting line.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Is the brown bay your favorite, Mrs.
Naughton?” United States Captain James Forsyth appeared at her shoulder with
Andrew Pierce; Jeannie had met them at Pickett’s dinner. Forsyth nodded at the
Hudson’s Bay horse. “Or are you interested in international harmony and support
all favorites?”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Jeannie laughed to see the horses gathered at the start. “I suppose
in the interest of the joint occupation I should cheer for all, although in
reality I should cheer any poor brute to make its way safely to the other end
of the prairie.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Then you should cheer for
Captain Pickett’s horse. It’s the black one next to HBC horse.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sensory verbs are also a prime
indicator of boilability. That is to say, in Jeannie's POV, we don't need to
say that she saw or smelled or felt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Otherwise, I'm disinclined to change
dialogue as a general rule.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Jeannie laughed as the horses gathered at the start. “I suppose
in the interest of the joint occupation I should cheer for all, although in
reality I should cheer any poor brute to make its way safely to the other end
of the prairie.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Then you should cheer
for Captain Pickett’s horse. It’s the black one next to HBC horse.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So I shall.” She studied the horses stamping and
tossing their heads in anticipation. Their riders sat astride and worked the
reins in their leathered gloved hands. Soldiers and marines struck wagers.
Beyond them a new group arrived from the beach far below. In it were Jonas Breed,
Collie Henderson and his Indian friend, Sihks. They stood off in the middle
behind the starting line as though they didn’t want to commit to either
nationality.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The dialogue is terse in all the
right ways, so let it stand on its own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"She studied" is a sensory
verb trying to sneak through in a clever disguise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"In anticipation" is
unnecessary—it's conveyed by the action—and a POV glitch, as Jeannie (probably)
can't read their minds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Sat astride" is redundant
with "riders", both instances of "their" are clutter, and
"leathered gloved hands" boils down to "leathered gloves".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Soldiers and marines" are
"Men" (at least in this period, in which case they could be
"people".)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Because the new group just arrived,
"new" is extraneous. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The expanse is already
well-communicated above, so "far below" can go. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"In it were" =
"including".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Off" is clutter, "in
the middle" = "centered", and "as though they didn't want
to commit to either nationality" can be "skirting both
nationalities."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So I shall.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The horses stamped and tossed their heads. Riders worked the
reins in leathered gloves. Men struck wagers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Beyond them a group arrived from the beach, including Jonas Breed,
Collie Henderson and his Indian friend, Sihks. They stood centered behind the
starting line, skirting both nationalities.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">You are not wild, today</span></i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">. She stole a glance at him. The cedar rope necklace he wore on the
day he confronted Krill was still visible at the neck of his linen shirt. He
was coatless, but wore a tan canvas vest over his shirt and braces. He makes no
apologies for his casual dress, she thought, but with the heat of the day
increasing, there were others, for sure, who were itching to join him. As she
watched him, she felt a little prick in her throat.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I don't know who "him" is—the
second sentence needs his name to make this clear. I'm going to guess it's
Jonas Breed. (Obviously, in a real edit I'd talk to the author about who she
meant!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Necklaces are worn at the neck, and
he's wearing a shirt. "Was still visible" is a double-whammy "to
be" and sensory verb—and meantime, we need to change "he wore"
to "he'd worn," but in the process we can boil down "on the day
he" to "when he'd".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"He was coatless" can lose
"he was" with no loss of content.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm not sure why we'd switch to
present tense for her thought—and as we've already established italics for
thoughts, we can boil out "she thought" as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"With the heat of the day
increasing" = "in this heat," "there were others, for sure,
who were itching" = "the others must itch."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Aside from the cliché (and
accompanying joke) "it's just a little prick," we can boil out
"little" with no loss of content—because a big prick in this context
is a stab.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But "she felt" is the
blandest of sensory verbs. I'm not sure what emotion the author is going for
here (and this is another place where I'd consult the author. I'm going to go
with "worry" but could just as easily choose "desire" or
"disgust" or whatnot.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<i><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">You are not wild, today</span></i><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">. She stole a glance at Jonas. The cedar rope necklace he'd worn
when he'd confronted Krill peeked from his linen shirt. Coatless, he wore a tan
canvas vest over his shirt and braces. <i>He
made no apologies for his casual dress, but in this heat the others must itch
to join him.</i> As she watched him, worry pricked her throat.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Result:<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--></span></u></b><b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Soldiers in red or blue wool stood interspersed among women in
hooped skirts. Captain Pickett split from a group of officers to greet Jeannie
and Gladyse, a sheen of sweat on his forehead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Good day, ladies and welcome.” Pickett kissed
Jeannie's hand and helped her down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<i><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Always the gentleman</span></i><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">, Jeannie thought. A young subaltern with drooping
mustaches steadied the horses.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Pickett escorted them to an awning where ladies sat on folding
canvas chairs. Despite the haze, the water flowing across the straits to the
Olympic Mountains and Vancouver Island sparkled in the sunlight.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Gladyse prepared her hooped skirt, sat down, joined the conversation,
and made introductions. None lived in Devonshire, thank God. No marines from Devonshire
had recognized Jeannie, either. Would they know her family?</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sergeant Broud clapped his hands. </span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Ladies and gentlemen,
the race is about to begin. Please bring your horses to the starting line.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Is the brown bay your favorite, Mrs.
Naughton?” United States Captain James Forsyth appeared at her shoulder with
Andrew Pierce; Jeannie had met them at Pickett’s dinner. Forsyth nodded at the
Hudson’s Bay horse. “Or are you interested in international harmony and support
all favorites?”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Jeannie laughed as the horses gathered at the start. “I suppose
in the interest of the joint occupation I should cheer for all, although in
reality I should cheer any poor brute to make its way safely to the other end
of the prairie.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Then you should cheer
for Captain Pickett’s horse. It’s the black one next to HBC horse.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So I shall.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The horses stamped and tossed their heads. Riders worked the
reins in leathered gloves. Men struck wagers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Beyond them a group arrived from the beach, including Jonas Breed,
Collie Henderson and his Indian friend, Sihks. They stood centered behind the
starting line, skirting both nationalities.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<i><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">You are not wild, today</span></i><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">. She stole a glance at Jonas. The cedar rope necklace he'd worn
when he'd confronted Krill peeked from his linen shirt. Coatless, he wore a tan
canvas vest over his shirt and braces. <i>He
made no apologies for his casual dress, but in this heat the others must itch
to join him.</i> As she watched him, worry pricked her throat.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">That's
365 words, down from the original 508, a reduction of 28%. How'd I do?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-89626446983698625622013-12-24T10:04:00.002-05:002013-12-24T10:04:44.280-05:00Boiling Marianne Sheldon<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">This
week's boiling comes from Marianne Sheldon, and it's 499 words of her WIP,
Every Little Thing. You can find her at </span><a href="http://www.mtsheldon.wordpress.com/" target="_blank"><span style="background: white; color: #1155cc; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">www.mtsheldon.wordpress.com</span></a><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">. Let's see what we can do with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">On the
first day of eighth grade, Carly’s best friend, Sharon Haluza, morphed into
Shari. Jenny Daly became Jen, and Laurie-Anne Pasternak was now Lori. Plus the
three of them all carried their school supplies in matching blue Adidas gym
bags. And everyone in the whole grade had turned all huggy. None of them hugged
in seventh grade.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Even
though they only lived two blocks apart, Sharon and Carly hadn’t hung out much
over the summer. But as soon as Carly rounded the corner onto Sharon’s street,
she spotted her friend up ahead waiting on the fence post like always. Maybe
that’s why Carly never saw the changes coming. She started running. “Sharon,
hi!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Sharon
jumped up and held her arms wide as if for a hug. She squealed. “Carly Bear!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Carly
stopped short of Sharon’s arms. “Wow, you got taller!” Sharon’s legs in their
tight denim had lengthened. She was a full head above Carly. And beneath a
tight blue top she was wearing a bra. That she needed. Carly suddenly felt
off-balance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Sharon
patted Carly on the head. “You didn’t. You’re the same little squirt from last
year.” She sounded like she was talking to a little kid. She leaned down and
swung her gym bag onto her back, and the girls fell into step, side-by-side. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Carly
tried to lengthen her stride to match Sharon’s. She glanced down at her flat,
braless chest, pulled her jean jacket closed, and hoped it would stay cool
enough so she could keep it on all day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“How was
your summer?” Sharon asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Good. I
camped out at Gran’s lots.” Gran lived in the best place in the whole wide
world. Near the YMCA camp on the north side of Spirit Lake, practically at the
foot of Mount St. Helens.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Camping.
Oh, cool. Did you see ‘Meatballs’?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“No, but
I saw The Muppet Movie. It was great.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Shari
snorted. “You’re so cute. Did you have to take your little brother?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Uh,
yeah.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“I saw
‘Alien’ and ‘The Amityville Horror’ too. They were so scary. And ‘Moonraker’.
Roger Moore’s so yummy for an old guy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Oh,
yeah. He’s, uh, yummy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Did you
see it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Uh,
no.” Mom only let them see G-rated movies. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Carly
spotted an interesting pebble in the grass. She picked it up. Basalt. Igneous.
While tucking it into a pocket, she stole a glance at Shari. She seemed so
different. “Hey! Are you wearing makeup?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“No.”
Two spots of red appeared on Shari’s cheeks. “Just a little.” Her lids were
blue and her eyes lightly ringed with black. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Carly
wore her favorite army-style khakis and a faded jean jacket. She’d swiped both
from her big brother Chris the second he outgrew them. She had to roll the
bottoms of the khakis and belt them or they would have slid right off her
skinny hips, but they were perfect for climbing around on the Rock. They were
loose and comfortable, they didn’t rip easily, and they had tons of pockets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red;"> </span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">On the first day of eighth grade, Carly’s best friend,
Sharon Haluza, morphed into Shari. Jenny Daly became Jen, and Laurie-Anne
Pasternak was now Lori. Plus the three of them all carried their school
supplies in matching blue Adidas gym bags. And everyone in the whole grade had
turned all huggy. None of them hugged in seventh grade.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">This first paragraph is psychic: it tells us
everything Carly is going to discover over the next chapter or so, before she
discovers it. As such, it's a POV glitch—a violation of the third person
limited POV used in the rest of the chapter—and is thus also a "tell"
instead of a "show", and redundant with what comes after it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Thus, it can be cut in its entirety.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Even though they only lived two blocks apart, Sharon and Carly hadn’t
hung out much over the summer. But as soon as Carly rounded the corner onto
Sharon’s street, she spotted her friend up ahead waiting on the fence post like
always. Maybe that’s why Carly never saw the changes coming. She started
running. “Sharon, hi!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">"Even" isn't needed, nor is
"only".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">"But as soon as" can be boiled out
if we replace "she spotted" with "and spotted". "Up
ahead" is unnecessary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">The next sentence is again a psychic POV
glitch—she didn't see them coming, and doesn't even know about them at this
point. So let's boil it out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">In the last sentence, we have "started
[verb]ing", which (along with "began [verb]ing") should only be
used if it's important that the action is interrupted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Though they lived two blocks apart,
Sharon and Carly hadn’t hung out much over the summer. Carly rounded the corner
onto Sharon’s street, and spotted her friend waiting on the fence post like
always. She ran. “Sharon, hi!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Sharon jumped up and held her arms wide as if for a hug. She
squealed. “Carly Bear!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Carly stopped short of Sharon’s arms. “Wow, you got taller!”
Sharon’s legs in their tight denim had lengthened. She was a full head above
Carly. And beneath a tight blue top she was wearing a bra. That she needed.
Carly suddenly felt off-balance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">We can combine the "arms held wide as if
for a hug" and the "stopped short", and then merge the
now-shortened sentence with the one after it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">I'm adverse to disembodied parts; in general
I don't think legs or hands or heads should own or do things. To rectify that
and boil out some "was"es, let's merge the next two sentences. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">"was [verb]ing" can almost always
boil down to "[verb]ed" (or in the case of "to be" or some
other irregular verb, whatever's appropriate.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">The last sentence is a tell, and an
unnecessary one. The towering, the needed bra, and the pat on the head all
convey that Carly is off-balance, out of her element, without having to tell
the reader that. So let's boil it out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Sharon jumped up, held her arms wide, and
squealed. “Carly Bear!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Carly stopped short of the hug. “Wow, you
got taller!” Sharon towered on long legs in tight denim a full head above
Carly. And beneath a tight blue top she wore a bra. That she needed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Sharon patted Carly on the head. “You didn’t. You’re the same little
squirt from last year.” She sounded like she was talking to a little kid. She
leaned down and swung her gym bag onto her back, and the girls fell into step,
side-by-side. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Carly tried to lengthen her stride to match Sharon’s. She glanced
down at her flat, braless chest, pulled her jean jacket closed, and hoped it
would stay cool enough so she could keep it on all day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">If we trust the dialogue to carry itself, we
don't need to say that Sharon "sounded like she was talking to a little
kid."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">As with most double-actions, we can get away
with just one, so let's boil out, "leaned down".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">"tried to" is clutter, as they
manage to stay side-by-side.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">"it would say cool enough so" can
boil out, too, as there are a variety of reasons why one might be able to keep
a jean jacket on, especially when inclined through embarassment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Sharon patted Carly on the head. “You
didn’t. You’re the same little squirt from last year.” She swung her gym bag
onto her back, and the girls fell into step, side-by-side. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Carly lengthened her stride to match
Sharon’s. She glanced down at her flat, braless chest, pulled her jean jacket
closed, and planned to keep it on all day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"> “How was your summer?” Sharon
asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Good. I camped out at Gran’s lots.” Gran lived in the best place in
the whole wide world. Near the YMCA camp on the north side of Spirit Lake,
practically at the foot of Mount St. Helens.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Camping. Oh, cool. Did you see ‘Meatballs’?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“No, but I saw The Muppet Movie. It was great.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Shari snorted. “You’re so cute. Did you have to take your little
brother?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Uh, yeah.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“I saw ‘Alien’ and ‘The Amityville Horror’ too. They were so scary.
And ‘Moonraker’. Roger Moore’s so yummy for an old guy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Oh, yeah. He’s, uh, yummy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Did you see it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“Uh, no.” Mom only let them see G-rated movies. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">I'm not a fan of speech tags, when you can
use the same number of words to convey more information. We know Sharon asked,
so we can turn that into something that gives us additional
characterization—did she grin? Smirk? Frown? Based on the attempted hug, I'm
going to give Sharon the benefit of the doubt and make her grin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">We can boil one whole word by merging the
information about the camp into one sentence, and one more by removing
"wide" in "whole wide world"—though I see why one might
keep it. In the process we can boil out the "practically", because
close enough is close enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Dialogue being what it is, I tend to leave it
alone unless something egregious pops up. This dialogue looks great—authentic
and brimming with information on both the setting and the family life of the
girls, without pushing either one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">(As a side note, nothing has actually
happened to tell us that Sharon is now Shari, so if this is a new development,
we should hear about it. My suggestion would be to have other kids call her
"Shari" when it comes up, and for Carly to react accordingly.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Sharon grinned. “How was your summer?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Good. I camped out at Gran’s lots.” Gran
lived near the best place in the whole world, the YMCA camp on the north side
of Spirit Lake at the foot of Mount St. Helens.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Camping. Oh, cool. Did you see
‘Meatballs’?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“No, but I saw The Muppet Movie. It was
great.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Sharon snorted. “You’re so cute. Did you
have to take your little brother?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Uh, yeah.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“I saw ‘Alien’ and ‘The Amityville Horror’
too. They were so scary. And ‘Moonraker’. Roger Moore’s so yummy for an old
guy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Oh, yeah. He’s, uh, yummy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Did you see it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Uh, no.” Mom only let them see G-rated
movies. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Carly spotted an interesting pebble in the grass. She picked it up. Basalt.
Igneous. While tucking it into a pocket, she stole a glance at Shari. She
seemed so different. “Hey! Are you wearing makeup?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">“No.” Two spots of red appeared on Shari’s cheeks. “Just a little.”
Her lids were blue and her eyes lightly ringed with black. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Carly could hardly pick up a pebble she
hadn't spotted, so let's merge these sentences.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">We know Shari has two cheeks, so we can boil
"Two spots of red" to "Red spots"...but for that matter,
red spots appearing on someone's cheeks is a blush, so let's call it that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">The last sentence can be made more active by
boiling out the "were".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Carly plucked an interesting pebble from
the grass. Basalt. Igneous. While tucking it into a pocket, she stole a glance
at Sharon. She seemed so different. “Hey! Are you wearing makeup?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“No.” Sharon blushed. “Just a little.” Light
black lines ringed her blue eyelids.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Carly wore her favorite army-style khakis and a faded jean jacket.
She’d swiped both from her big brother Chris the second he outgrew them. She
had to roll the bottoms of the khakis and belt them or they would have slid
right off her skinny hips, but they were perfect for climbing around on the
Rock. They were loose and comfortable, they didn’t rip easily, and they had
tons of pockets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Clothes
swiped from an older sibling are hand-me-downs, so let's call them that—which
incidentally allows us to boil out the "big" in "big
brother", as one doesn't get hand-me-downs from younger siblings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
next sentence combines two ideas that should be separate: rolling up the
bottoms (cuffing) doesn't keep them from sliding off her hips—which they'd only
do were her hips skinny, so we can boil that out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"climbing
around" = "climbing", which we can merge with the next sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Carly wore her favorite army-style khakis
and a faded jean jacket, hand-me-downs from her brother Chris. She cuffed the
khakis, and a belt kept them from sliding off her hips. Loose and comfortable,
they didn’t rip easily and had tons of pockets, perfect for climbing on the
Rock.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Though they lived two blocks apart,
Sharon and Carly hadn’t hung out much over the summer. Carly rounded the corner
onto Sharon’s street, and spotted her friend waiting on the fence post like
always. She ran. “Sharon, hi!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Sharon jumped up, held her arms wide, and
squealed. “Carly Bear!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Carly stopped short of the hug. “Wow, you
got taller!” Sharon towered on long legs in tight denim a full head above
Carly. And beneath a tight blue top she wore a bra. That she needed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Sharon patted Carly on the head. “You
didn’t. You’re the same little squirt from last year.” She swung her gym bag
onto her back, and the girls fell into step, side-by-side. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Carly lengthened her stride to match
Sharon’s. She glanced down at her flat, braless chest, pulled her jean jacket
closed, and planned to keep it on all day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Sharon grinned. “How was your summer?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Good. I camped out at Gran’s lots.” Gran
lived near the best place in the whole world, the YMCA camp on the north side
of Spirit Lake at the foot of Mount St. Helens.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Camping. Oh, cool. Did you see
‘Meatballs’?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“No, but I saw The Muppet Movie. It was
great.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Sharon snorted. “You’re so cute. Did you
have to take your little brother?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Uh, yeah.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“I saw ‘Alien’ and ‘The Amityville
Horror’ too. They were so scary. And ‘Moonraker’. Roger Moore’s so yummy for an
old guy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Oh, yeah. He’s, uh, yummy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Did you see it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Uh, no.” Mom only let them see G-rated
movies. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Carly plucked an interesting pebble from
the grass. Basalt. Igneous. While tucking it into a pocket, she stole a glance
at Sharon. She seemed so different. “Hey! Are you wearing makeup?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“No.” Sharon blushed. “Just a little.” Light
black lines ringed her blue eyelids.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; tab-stops: .5in 1.0in 1.5in 2.0in 2.5in 3.0in; text-autospace: none; text-indent: .25in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Carly wore her favorite army-style khakis
and a faded jean jacket, hand-me-downs from her brother Chris. She cuffed the
khakis, and a belt kept them from sliding off her hips. Loose and comfortable,
they didn’t rip easily and had tons of pockets, perfect for climbing on the
Rock.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">That's 348 words down from 499, a reduction of
30%. I think I managed to keep Marianne's excellent portrayal of sudden,
unexpected awkwardness, perhaps even enhance it a bit, in the process. What do
you think?</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-14529885664128821772013-12-18T17:01:00.002-05:002013-12-18T17:01:53.127-05:00Boiling Mechelle Morrison<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">This week's sample comes
from Mechelle Morrison, who you can find at </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><a href="http://www.mechellemorrison.com/" target="_blank"><span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: #1155cc;">www.mechellemorrison.com</span></a> and</span>
on Goodreads.<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> Let's
see what we can do with 506 words of her WIP, <i>Being</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">I’ve had the same freaky dream, every night of my life,
for as long as I can remember. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>In
the dream I’m lying spread-eagle on a slab of wet cement. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Cold wind gusts over me, seeping into
my clothes until I feel I’m made of fog. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I smell bread, sewer, flowers,
asphalt, perfume, sweat. Dog crap. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
hold my hand in front of my face, but it’s like I’m invisible—it’s that
dark. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I tell myself not to
be scared.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">I’m scared as hell.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">It starts to rain—cold fat drops. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The dream-rain puddles in my
eyelids. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>It worms into my
hair. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I toss and
turn. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Somewhere nearby a
girl says, “I’ve never seen<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>anything</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>like this before.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">I jerk awake.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">I always wake up when the girl talks. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Always. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>But this time my breathing is so
ragged it’s like I’ve forgotten how to process air. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My heart throbs in my chest.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span> I blink into the darkness. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Sweat beads on my forehead.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">“What is this place?”<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span> <i>The
girl!</i> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I jerk toward the
sound of her, but it’s too dark to see. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>A
raindrop—a real, wet raindrop—plops onto my forehead.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">I touch the water dribbling toward my ear. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Taste it, cold and metallic, on my
finger. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Another drop
targets my cheek. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I scratch
my nose. The view swirls from black to gray. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Panic surges into every cell of my
body.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">“Who’s there?” I ask. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My voice cracks. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>For a second, I sound twelve again.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">The girl yells, “It’s me<i>,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></i>Shepherd. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Duh! <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>It’s Elly.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">“Elly?” <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Another
raindrop hits me, then another. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The
dream has never been this crazy. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>It’s
never been this real. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>And
my kid sister has never, not once, been in it.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">Footsteps, then Elly drops on top of me. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My vision suddenly pops with pricks of
light. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I breathe—in, out,
in. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>This doesn’t happen
in my dream.</i></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">“Sorry,” Elly says. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“You know where we are, right?”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">I pinch her.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">Elly punches my arm and mutters, “Dork!” <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The pain of her punch spreads into my
muscle. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Her weight rolls
off my legs then disappears. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>But
I can’t see her. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I still
can’t see<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>me</i>. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I reach out and she slaps my hand
away. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Knock it off,” she
says.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">My stomach knots. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
ask, “Can you see me?” and the air churns, swift as water around large
stones. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The world grows
lighter. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My hair whips my
face like countless stabbing pins. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>At
the edge of my vision there’s something large.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">Fear shreds my chest.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">“You’re right<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>here</i>.”<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span> Elly pokes my forehead with her
finger.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span> Her nail digs into
my flesh. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The wind draws
back at her touch, like a curtain from a stage, and I suddenly see her. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>She’s flushed, like she’s too
hot. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Her pupils are so
dilated her eyes are black.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">“Are you … okay?” I ask.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">“I have no idea. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
mean, I feel seriously weird.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">I shift and Elly says, “Don’t you dare leave me.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">“Why are you in my dream?”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #222222;">Elly rolls her dilated eyes. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“You’re not dreaming, idiot.”</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">So, my first issue is
that I have no idea if the POV character is male or female. Based on the
name(?), "Shepherd", I'm going to guess male--but I'm not sure if
that's actually a first name, a last name, or a title, and words-as-names are
sufficiently androgynous that it didn't provide me with enough information.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">This is, IMO, an issue
with most first-person narratives; without resorting to the cheesy "I look
in the mirror so I can describe myself to the reader" trick, it can be
difficult to fold in relevant information. Anyway, I'm going with male for my
comments below.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">I’ve had the same freaky dream, every night of my life, for
as long as I can remember. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>In
the dream I’m lying spread-eagle on a slab of wet cement. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Cold wind gusts over me, seeping into
my clothes until I feel I’m made of fog. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I smell bread, sewer, flowers,
asphalt, perfume, sweat. Dog crap. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
hold my hand in front of my face, but it’s like I’m invisible—it’s that
dark. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I tell myself not to
be scared.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">I’m scared as hell.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">It's not necessary to tell the reader
that something is freaky, or scary, or giggle-inducing. If we let the scene
speak for itself, we can boil out "freaky". "Of my life" is
obvious.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"In the dream" is implied,
and if he's spread-eagled, he's lying down, so we can boil out
"lying".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Wind gusts, and if it's seeping into
his clothes, it's over him. And to "feel like I'm made of fog" is the
same thing as "feel like fog."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I might choose a few less things to
smell, but can't boil out any of them without eliminating content, and that's
against the Word Souppian rules. I do wonder why "Dog crap" got its
own callout, though--not in a "this intrigues me" sort of way, but in
a, "why would the author emphasize dog crap over these other smells?"
sort of way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"in front of my face" =
out", and the latter half of the sentence can be boiled down quite a bit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">As a general rule, reflexive pronouns
(myself, himself, herself, etc.) are a good indication that something can be
boiled, so let's do so. Meantime, "I'm scared as hell" is a good
stand-alone line, but it's a "tell", not a show. If we combine the
two sentences, we eliminate the reflexive pronoun and the echo on
"scared", and can use that opportunity to show instead of tell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I’ve had the same dream, every
night, for as long as I can remember. I’m spread-eagled on a slab of wet
cement.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Cold wind seeps into my
clothes until I feel like fog. I smell bread, sewer, flowers, asphalt,
perfume, sweat. Dog crap.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
hold my hand out, but it’s too dark to see my fingers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">But they tremble.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">It starts to rain—cold fat drops. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The dream-rain puddles in my
eyelids. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>It worms into my
hair. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I toss and
turn. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Somewhere nearby a
girl says, “I’ve never seen<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>anything</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>like this before.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">I jerk awake.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Starts to" (and all such
verbiage) is clutter unless it's important to the narrative that the action is
interrupted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Toss and turn" is a weird
phrase choice, here; I'm having a difficult time picturing what's going on.
Part of this is because it's so dark--there's nothing to see. But moreso, I
associate "toss and turn" with trying to sleep--it's vague and, given
that the narrator doesn't seem to be restrained in any manner, a bizarre
reaction to rainfall. Keeping all of that in mind, I'm going to go with,
"struggle".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">If a girl speaks and he can hear it,
it's somewhere nearby, so let's boil that out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Rain falls. Cold fat drops puddle
in my eyelids, worm into my hair. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
struggle. A girl says, “I’ve never seen<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>anything</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>like this before.”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I jerk awake.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">I always wake up when the girl talks. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Always. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>But this time my breathing is so
ragged it’s like I’ve forgotten how to process air. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My heart throbs in my chest.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span> I blink into the darkness. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Sweat beads on my forehead.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"the girl" =
"she", and the second "Always" adds nothing to the
narrative.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The breathing clauses can be condensed
with no loss of content.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Hearts exist in chests, and we know
it's dark. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I always wake up when she talks,
but this time<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>my ragged lungs have
forgotten how to process air.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My
heart throbs.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I blink. Sweat
beads on my forehead.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;"> “What is this place?”<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span> <i>The girl!</i> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I jerk toward the sound of her, but
it’s too dark to see. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>A
raindrop—a real, wet raindrop—plops onto my forehead.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">I touch the water dribbling toward my ear. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Taste it, cold and metallic, on my
finger. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Another drop
targets my cheek. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I scratch
my nose. The view swirls from black to gray. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Panic surges into every cell of my
body.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">“Who’s there?” I ask. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My
voice cracks. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>For a second,
I sound twelve again.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">This section needs surgery in terms of
story structure. Scratching one's nose is not something that a person does in a
state of panic. Further, one wouldn't touch the water from the raindrop, taste
it, scratch one's nose, and THEN ask, "who's there", when one just
jerked toward an unexpected voice that's supposed to only be there in a dream.
We need to rearrange it so that the narrator's actions make sense.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Calling out that it's the girl is
unnecessary, because there's only one "her" in the narrative so far.
"The sound of her" = "her voice". We already know it's too
dark to see, but one could make an argument that he thinks he's no longer in a
dream, so this needs re-stating.... As we do so anyway in the next paragraph,
we can eliminate it here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Similar situation with the real, wet
raindrop--raindrops that plop onto heads are real and wet by nature. And
"plops onto" = "spatters".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">As small as this is, the raindrop is
not the POV character, so we can't know that it was targeting his cheek.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">There is no view, so let's change that
to, "My vision".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We can tidy up the reaction to the
unexpected voice into a single paragraph, and along the way get rid of sounding
like he's twelve--astute readers know that adolescent boys tend to have voices
that sometimes crack. "Older than twelve" isn't sufficient
information to worry about including at this point.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">A raindrop spatters my forehead. I
touch the water dribbling toward my ear.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Taste
it, cold and metallic on my finger. Another drop hits my cheek. I
scratch my nose. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“What is this place?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I jerk toward her voice.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My vision swirls from black to
gray. Panic surges into every cell of my body.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> </span><span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">My
voice cracks. “Who’s there?”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">The girl yells, “It’s me<i>,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></i>Shepherd. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Duh! <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>It’s Elly.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">“Elly?” <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Another
raindrop hits me, then another. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The
dream has never been this crazy. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>It’s
never been this real. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>And
my kid sister has never, not once, been in it.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I'm not sure why she'd yell if she's
right next to him, and I don't know that the speech tag is necessary here. And
in real life, people almost never use another person's name while speaking to
them--unless they're calling out to get their attention or somesuch. (This is
another issue with good 1<sup>st</sup> person POV; sometimes it can be hard to
genuinely convey information as simple as the narrator's name.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Another and another =
"more".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"It's never been" is
clutter, and we can combined "never" with "not once".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“It’s me<i>,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></i>duh! Elly.”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Elly?” More raindrops hit me. The
dream has never been this crazy, this real. And my kid sister has never
once been in it.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">Footsteps, then Elly drops on top of me. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My vision suddenly pops with pricks of
light. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I breathe—in, out, in. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>This doesn’t happen in my dream.</i></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">“Sorry,” Elly says.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“You
know where we are, right?”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">I pinch her.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">This isn't a condensation, but we now
know that "she" is "Elly", so let's use "she".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Suddenly", aside from being
an evil adverb by nature, can also be purged because the action is sudden.
Sudden action doesn't need to be called out for being sudden.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We might want to add something to
"I pinch her", because our narrator can't see. It's not such a simple
thing to pinch someone you can't see, and without sight as a guide it's all
quite vague for the reader.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Footsteps, then she drops on top
of me.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My vision pops with pricks
of light. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I breathe—in,
out, in. <i>This doesn’t happen in my dream.</i></span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Sorry,” Elly says.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“You know where we are, right?”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I reach out, find her wrist, pinch
her.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">Elly punches my arm and mutters, “Dork!” <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The pain of her punch spreads into my
muscle. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Her weight rolls
off my legs then disappears. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>But
I can’t see her. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I still
can’t see<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>me</i>. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I reach out and she slaps my hand away. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Knock it off,” she says.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">You don't need a speech tag when you
have an action tag, and the mutter can be taken care of by replacing the
exclamation point with a period.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Of her punch" is clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">If he can't see her, and her weight
rolls off her legs, then by definition it disappears.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"But" is clutter, as is
"away", and the final speech tag.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">She punches my arm. “Dork.” The
pain spreads into my muscle. Her weight rolls off my legs. I can’t see
her. I still can’t see<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>me</i>. I
reach out and she slaps my hand.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Knock
it off.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">My stomach knots. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
ask, “Can you see me?” and the air churns, swift as water around large
stones. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The world grows
lighter. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My hair whips my
face like countless stabbing pins. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>At
the edge of my vision there’s something large.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">Fear shreds my chest.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Let's boil out the speech tag.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"grows lighter" =
"lightens".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Simile and metaphor are easy to
overdo. Either one would be fine, but two in a paragraph is excessive. As the
water around large stones is more evocative than the countless stabbing pins,
let's keep the former and boil out the latter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The last sentence is a tell, and a
vague one at that. (It has to be vague, because our narrator's vision hasn't
cleared up yet...but it can be tightened up.) We can convey a sense of largeness
by changing the bland and always boilable "is" to something more
active.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">My stomach knots. “Can you
see me?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">The air churns, swift as water
around large stones. The world lightens. My hair whips my face. Something
looms at the edge of my vision.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Fear shreds my chest.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">“You’re right<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>here</i>.”<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span> Elly pokes my forehead with her
finger.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span> Her nail digs into
my flesh. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The wind draws
back at her touch, like a curtain from a stage, and I suddenly see her. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>She’s flushed, like she’s too
hot. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Her pupils are so
dilated her eyes are black.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The action tag doesn't jive with the
narrator not being able to see.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Again, I think we can dispense with
the simile and the adverb.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">People that are too hot get flushed,
so let's boil out the explanation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The word "are" can boil out,
as can all forms of "to be". I'm inclined to say, "her pupils
dilated", but that doesn't convey the all-encompassing blackness in the
original. That said, pupils can't dilate so much that the whole eye turns
black, so I'm not sure which effect to go with here. He doesn't freak out and
start screaming, so I'm going to go with dilation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“You’re right<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>here</i>.” A fingernail pokes
my forehead, digging into my flesh. The wind draws back at her touch, and
I see her. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>She’s flushed, her
pupils huge.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">“Are you … okay?” I ask.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">“I have no idea. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
mean, I feel seriously weird.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">I shift and Elly says, “Don’t you dare leave me.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">“Why are you in my dream?”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: red;">Elly rolls her dilated eyes. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“You’re not dreaming, idiot.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We can boil out both speech attributions,
and the "dilated", because we already know that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Are you…okay?”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“I have no idea. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I mean, I feel seriously weird.”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I shift and--<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Don’t you dare leave me.”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Why are you in my dream?”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">She rolls her eyes. “You’re
not dreaming, idiot.”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I’ve had the same dream, every
night, for as long as I can remember. I’m spread-eagled on a slab of wet
cement.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Cold wind seeps into my
clothes until I feel like fog. I smell bread, sewer, flowers, asphalt,
perfume, sweat. Dog crap.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
hold my hand out, but it’s too dark to see my fingers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">But they tremble.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Rain falls. Cold fat drops puddle
in my eyelids, worm into my hair.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
struggle. A girl says, “I’ve never seen<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>anything</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>like this before.”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I jerk awake.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I always wake up when she talks,
but this time<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>my ragged lungs have
forgotten how to process air.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My
heart throbs.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I blink. Sweat
beads on my forehead.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">A raindrop spatters my forehead. I
touch the water dribbling toward my ear.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Taste
it, cold and metallic on my finger. Another drop hits my cheek. I
scratch my nose. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“What is this place?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I jerk toward her voice.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My vision swirls from black to
gray. Panic surges into every cell of my body.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> </span><span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">My
voice cracks. “Who’s there?”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“It’s me<i>,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></i>duh! Elly.”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Elly?” More raindrops hit me. The
dream has never been this crazy, this real. And my kid sister has never
once been in it.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Footsteps, then she drops on top
of me.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My vision pops with pricks
of light. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I breathe—in,
out, in. <i>This doesn’t happen in my dream.</i></span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Sorry,” Elly says.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“You know where we are, right?”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I reach out, find her wrist, pinch
her.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">She punches my arm. “Dork.” The
pain spreads into my muscle. Her weight rolls off my legs. I can’t see
her. I still can’t see<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>me</i>. I
reach out and she slaps my hand.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Knock
it off.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">My stomach knots. “Can you see
me?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">The air churns, swift as water
around large stones. The world lightens. My hair whips my face. Something
looms at the edge of my vision.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Fear shreds my chest.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“You’re right<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>here</i>.” A fingernail pokes
my forehead, digging into my flesh. The wind draws back at her touch, and
I see her. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>She’s flushed, her
pupils huge.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Are you…okay?”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“I have no idea. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I mean, I feel seriously weird.”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">I shift and--<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Don’t you dare leave me.”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Why are you in my dream?”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .4in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; mso-themecolor: accent5;">She rolls her eyes. “You’re
not dreaming, idiot.”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">That's 381 words, down from 506, a
reduction of 25%. What do you think?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-70330652447959768992013-11-26T17:02:00.000-05:002013-11-26T17:02:23.057-05:00Boiling Di Francis<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">This week's boiling
comes from Di Francis, another friend from the ABNA boards, who has offered up
the first 485 words of her novel, The Cull. Her spell check is set to "UK
Standard", so I'm going to guess that she hails from across the pond--fun
who the internet lets us interact with, isn't it?'<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Anyway, let's see what
we can do with The Cull.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">The early morning mist lay across the loch like a thick eiderdown.
Beyond, the mountains rose in craggy tiers, layers of white tipped rock soaring
majestically to meet the grey rose of the overcast sky.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Annie Dawes grunted, her breath revealing itself as puffs of steam
in the cold air as she clambered up the steep path to a small grassy clearing.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> “Come
on. Come and get it,” she yelled, looking around the bare hillside. Rays of
sunlight escaped through holes in the clouds, touching the snow with gold.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Taking a small sack off her back she shouted again, her voice
echoing through the glen as she scattered the contents over the stony ground,
the pellets rolling across the bare patches of earth, settling between the
dried yellow blades of the previous years grass growth.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> “Come
on. If I can bring it, you can bloody well come and eat it.”</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> A
rattle of stones above her heralded arrivals as a couple of red deer hinds
stepped daintily down the slope, their feet slipping and sliding over the wet
pebbles. “You two greedy buggers first as usual,” grumbled Annie with a fond
smile. The animals stared at her, wary despite their familiarity with the daily
winter routine; the large wet brown eyes free at least for a few months, of
their cluster of summer flies. The deer were not tame; their trust was driven
by need. Winters were long and hard in the Highlands and food sources
scarce. A human disposed to offer food inspired a certain amount of forced
faith.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Carefully
Annie retraced her steps down the rocky path to where her whitewashed
crofthouse glowed in the morning light, the wet slates gleaming. A pale washed
out rainbow arched over the loch, apparently touching base in the small wood
behind her cottage, flooding the bare branches with a mist of pastel colours.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> The
site of a pot of gold?</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> If
only, she thought with a wry grin. Even a small pot of gold would come in very
useful.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">She paused to look across the glen, admiring the view.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> Her
world.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">A powerfully built woman in her sixties, grey hair pulled tightly
into a ponytail, her face weather beaten but free of wrinkles, her body muffled
in a torn muddy waxed jacket that had seen better days and waterproof nylon
trousers pulled over tatty tracksuit bottoms.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Hardly a fashionable figure, but free of the obsessions of ageing
females in more civilised surroundings. Who could detect the dreaded orange
peel effect of cellulite under the layers of trousers and any surplus fat was
an advantage of self-insulation during the inclement winter months.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">But if Annie looked to outward appearances like a rural bag lady,
she had the soul of a poet and the education of a scholar.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Her life had not always been so austere, but her past was a well-kept
secret from the local villagers.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The first thing I'd do is not start
this story with the weather. I have a general issue with the starting place as
a whole--"woman feeds deer" isn't much of an attention-grabber, and
first lines are critical for hooking an audience before they put the book down
in favor of other fare. So in general, I might not make this my opening scene.
Either way, let's assume this scene appears in the final manuscript in some
form or another, so we can boil it down with the attention it deserves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The early morning mist lay across the loch like a thick eiderdown.
Beyond, the mountains rose in craggy tiers, layers of white tipped rock soaring
majestically to meet the grey rose of the overcast sky.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Annie Dawes grunted, her breath revealing itself as puffs of steam
in the cold air as she clambered up the steep path to a small grassy clearing.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Setting matters, but not as much as
the person whose POV we're in. Scenes should always anchor our POV character in
the first or at latest the second sentence--and then descriptions of the
setting should come from that POV. To that end, we're going to take the second
paragraph (third sentence) and put it first.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Having done that, let's boil it
down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Breath doesn't "reveal
itself", it just is. Breath doesn't frost in warm air, so "cold"
is redundant. So is "air".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm going to boil out
"small" here because in the next section we learn that the hillside
is bare; this implies that the clearing isn't small.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If you're going to use a metaphor,
don't make it a simile. Avoid "like a", maybe not at all costs, but
at most costs. This helps get rid of some of the alliteration (morning mist,
lay loch like), but let's replace "lay across" with
"obscured", and move the fact that it's early morning to when we talk
about the sun.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"The mountains rose in craggy
tiers" = "Tiers of craggy mountains rose". They already rose, so
they don't need to soar, and indeed, mountains, being earthy things, don't
soar. "Tiers" is redundant with "layers".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"The grey rose of the overcast
sky" is too poetic to boil, so despite the urge to boil it down to
"clouds", I'm going to leave it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Annie Dawes grunted frosty breaths as she
clambered up the steep path to a grassy clearing.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> </span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">An eiderdown of mist obscured the loch.
Beyond, craggy mountains rose in layers of white-tipped rock to meet the grey
rose of the overcast sky.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “Come
on. Come and get it,” she yelled, looking around the bare hillside. Rays of
sunlight escaped through holes in the clouds, touching the snow with gold.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If we change the comma to an
exclamation point, we can eliminate the speech attribution in favor of the
action. "Looked around" is "scanned".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Rays of sunlight" is
redundant, yet evocative. Let's keep the evocative language but boil it down a
bit, and add in "dawn" to make up for the deletion above.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I'm not sure "touching the snow
with gold" works as a phrase--snow hit by sunlight is bright white, not
gold. On the other hand, I'm at a loss to change the image without discussing
it with the author, so as this is a blog post and not a real edit, in it stays.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> “Come
on. Come and get it!” She scanned the bare hillside. Dawn light speared through
holes in the clouds, touching the snow with gold.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Taking a small sack off her back she shouted again, her voice
echoing through the glen as she scattered the contents over the stony ground,
the pellets rolling across the bare patches of earth, settling between the
dried yellow blades of the previous years grass growth.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> “Come
on. If I can bring it, you can bloody well come and eat it.”</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Similar to her breath earlier, her
voice shouldn't be treated as a separate entity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"the contents" is
terrifically vague--it tells the reader nothing, and as our POV character knows
what it is, we should just say it upfront. And in the meantime, we can combine
"stony ground" and "bare patches of earth".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It's winter, so any grass (which
grows in "blades") in the vicinity would have to have come from the
"previous year", and is by definition "growth", so all of
that can boil out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">She took a small sack off her back. Her
next shout echoed through the glen as she scattered pellets. They rolled across
the bare patches of stony earth, settling amongst the dried yellow grass.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> </span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Come on. If I can
bring it, you can bloody well come and eat it.”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> A
rattle of stones above her heralded arrivals as a couple of red deer hinds
stepped daintily down the slope, their feet slipping and sliding over the wet
pebbles. “You two greedy buggers first as usual,” grumbled Annie with a fond
smile. The animals stared at her, wary despite their familiarity with the daily
winter routine; the large wet brown eyes free at least for a few months, of
their cluster of summer flies. The deer were not tame; their trust was driven
by need. Winters were long and hard in the Highlands and food sources
scarce. A human disposed to offer food inspired a certain amount of forced
faith.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Stones herald nothing--they just
rattle. "A couple of" = "two". I question the use of the
word "hind"; I recognized it only due to being a giant fantasy geek,
and I wonder if it's either too anachronistic or too colloquial for a
general-audience novel. Either way, a "hind" (or a "doe" to
us Yanks) is a "deer", so we can boil out one word, anyway. We can
lose the adverb "daintily", as (a) it's an adverb, and thus eeeeevil,
and (b) slipping and sliding over wet pebbles is not dainty. And yet again, the
feet are not independent of the deer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">As a general rule, one shouldn't
hide dialogue in a paragraph--it should come at the beginning and/or the end.
Let's boil out the "two" while we're at it. The attribution is both
clunky and, I think, unnecessary--whenever dialogue can carry itself, let it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"The animals" =
"They", "at her" is clutter, routine is by definition
"familiar", and we already know it's winter. As for the large wet
brown eyes, we know what deer eyes look like, and it's almost never necessary or
desired to tell the reader what isn't happening, so let's boil out the bit
about the cluster flies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"The deer were not tame" =
"Wild", and "was" is the enemy, a strong indication that
the phrase is passive and not active--boil it out wherever you can. That goes
for the "were" in the next sentence, too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">To get rid of the alliteration in
"forced faith", let's change it to "forced trust", and to
get rid of the echo on "trust", let's change the first one to
"proximity".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Finally, we know Annie's a human.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> Wet
pebbles rattled above her as two red hinds scrabbled down the slope. “You greedy
buggers first as usual.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">They stared, wary despite the daily routine.
Wild, their proximity came from necessity. Food sources ran scarce in the long,
hard Highland winters. Offered food inspired a certain amount of forced trust.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Carefully
Annie retraced her steps down the rocky path to where her whitewashed
crofthouse glowed in the morning light, the wet slates gleaming. A pale washed
out rainbow arched over the loch, apparently touching base in the small wood
behind her cottage, flooding the bare branches with a mist of pastel colours.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We need to move the rainbow sentence
to the front for physics reasons: rainbows always form a semicircle (or circle
if you're high up enough) centered on a line that connects the sun to the
observer's eyes. If she's in front of the cottage, there's no way it could arch
over the loch and hit behind the cottage at the same time--she's too close for
that!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Pale" and "washed
out" are redundant, "apparently" is poison--in her POV it
happened, so just say it happened--"touching base" can be combined
with "flooding", and we already know it's winter, so the branches are
bare.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Carefully" can merge with
"retraced her steps" to become "tiptoed" (or some other
succinct verb).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The slates are not disembodied from
the crofthouse, so, as with the other disembodiments above, we can do away with
that by combining the clauses, and "morning light" is
"dawn".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> A
washed-out rainbow arched over the loch, flooding the small wood behind her
cottage with a mist of pastel colours. Annie tiptoed down the rocky path to the
whitewashed crofthouse, wet slates gleaming in the dawn. </span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> The
site of a pot of gold?</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> If
only, she thought with a wry grin. Even a small pot of gold would come in very
useful.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She paused to look across the glen, admiring the view.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Her
world.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We can combine the two thoughts, get
rid of "she thought" (as it's in her POV), and eliminate the obvious
statement that gold comes in handy (especially for those who wear the clothing
we're about to describe.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Looking across the glen is the same
as admiring the view, and can't really be done without a pause anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> A
pot of gold?</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">If
only. She grinned, admiring the glen.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> </span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Her world.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A powerfully built woman in her sixties, grey hair pulled tightly
into a ponytail, her face weather beaten but free of wrinkles, her body muffled
in a torn muddy waxed jacket that had seen better days and waterproof nylon
trousers pulled over tatty tracksuit bottoms.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Hardly a fashionable figure, but free of the obsessions of ageing
females in more civilised surroundings. Who could detect the dreaded orange
peel effect of cellulite under the layers of trousers and any surplus fat was
an advantage of self-insulation during the inclement winter months.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Both of these paragraphs are a POV
glitch; you've gone from Annie's POV to a sort of cinematic "now we're
looking at her" video-camera POV. A more consistent (dare I say,
"authentic"?) way to do this would be to fold the information about
her age, appearance, and clothing into several actions--like as she steps
inside, cracks her back, strips off her gloves and outer clothes, etc.
Regardless, let's leave it in for now so we can boil it down:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The first paragraph is a run-on
sentence without a verb. Let's fix both.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"powerfully built" =
"powerful", and she knows how old she is, so we should just say it.
(I'm going to say sixty-four, just because.) "pulled tightly" =
"wrenched" (or a softer verb, if preferred).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The outfit can boil a bit:
"torn" and "had seen better days" is close enough to
"frayed"--we don't need to give every detail, just enough for the
reader to paint a picture.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Hardly a fashionable
figure" = "unfashionable"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The last line is an odd one. We go
from a question (it starts with "Who") without a question mark about
her trousers, and then to a comment about excess fat (which I believe we should
call "pudge" to indicate that there's not too overmuch of it.) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Finally, "the inclement winter
months" = "the winter", and let's make this all one paragraph.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">A powerful woman at sixty-four, grey hair
wrenched into a ponytail, her weather-beaten face boasted no wrinkles. A frayed,
muddy, waxed jacket and waterproof nylon trousers pulled over tatty tracksuit
bottoms served their function. Unfashionable, but free of the obsessions of
ageing females in more civilised surroundings. The outfit hid the dreaded
orange peel effect of cellulite and the pudge that insulated during the winter.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But if Annie looked to outward appearances like a rural baglady, she
had the soul of a poet and the education of a scholar.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Her life had not always been so austere, but her past was a well-kept
secret from the local villagers.</span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Would
Annie actually think this while pondering the beauty of her surroundings? This
seems to be a non-visual addition to the cinematic POV glitch of her
description. As such, we'll leave it in for the moment and boil it down, while
noting that it's very much a "tell" instead of a "show".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">"But
if" = "Though", "to outward appearances" is clutter, "bag
lady" is two words, and "the [noun] of a [person]" = "a
[person]'s [noun]".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">We
can combine the last two clauses, while boiling out a good amount of clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Though Annie looked like a rural bag lady,
she had a poet's soul and a scholar's education.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> </span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Her secret past couldn't claim such
austerity.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Annie Dawes grunted frosty breaths as she
clambered up the steep path to a grassy clearing.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> </span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">An eiderdown of mist obscured the loch.
Beyond, craggy mountains rose in layers of white-tipped rock to meet the grey
rose of the overcast sky.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> “Come
on. Come and get it!” She scanned the bare hillside. Dawn light speared through
holes in the clouds, touching the snow with gold.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">She took a small sack off her back. Her
next shout echoed through the glen as she scattered pellets. They rolled across
the bare patches of stony earth, settling amongst the dried yellow grass.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> </span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Come on. If I can
bring it, you can bloody well come and eat it.”</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> Wet
pebbles rattled above her as two red hinds scrabbled down the slope. “You greedy
buggers first as usual.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">They stared, wary despite the daily routine.
Wild, their proximity came from necessity. Food sources ran scarce in the long,
hard Highland winters. Offered food inspired a certain amount of forced trust.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> A
washed-out rainbow arched over the loch, flooding the small wood behind her
cottage with a mist of pastel colours. Annie tiptoed down the rocky path to the
whitewashed crofthouse, wet slates gleaming in the dawn. </span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> A
pot of gold?</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">If
only. She grinned, admiring the glen.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> </span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Her world.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">A powerful woman at sixty-four, grey hair
wrenched into a ponytail, her weather-beaten face boasted no wrinkles. A frayed,
muddy, waxed jacket and waterproof nylon trousers pulled over tatty tracksuit
bottoms served their function. Unfashionable, but free of the obsessions of
ageing females in more civilised surroundings. The outfit hid the dreaded
orange peel effect of cellulite and the pudge that insulated during the winter.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Though Annie looked like a rural bag lady,
she had a poet's soul and a scholar's education.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"> </span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Her secret past couldn't claim such
austerity.</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: accent5;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">303 words, down from 485, a reduction of 37.5%. What do
you think?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-91223979177373617242013-11-19T21:35:00.002-05:002013-11-19T21:35:53.434-05:00Boiling Kristina Stancil<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">This week's boiling comes from Kristina Stancil, a fellow
member of the Horror Writers Association who, let's be honest, has been a lot
more active at helping new members than I've been. She brought us 461 words of
the rough draft of a novel she's writing for a class. Let's see what we can do
with it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“Look what I can do,” Drew chuckled as
he tossed his baseball across the yard and his mitt mysteriously floated over
to catch it with a loud smack.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"> “Not
outside,” Andie hissed. She looked
around nervously to make sure that no one was watching. She was scared to death of these things that
were happening. It had been funny when
they were little. They could pretend it
was an invisible friend instead of something they were doing themselves. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">This was way worse than being able to
talk to each other in their minds, everyone said it was a twin thing, even the
school counselor who thought she might need therapy because she refused to read
The Hobbit for school because it was ‘witchcraft,’ and her mom had told her
that her Daddy left when he discovered she’d given birth to abominations. They were evil and he’d fled as soon as he
could. Even most of the kids at school
avoided her as a freak. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Her mom often demanded to know what she
was doing to make people hate her when everyone loved Drew; not that she didn’t
have any friends, but she claimed they were only being nice for Drew’s
sake. She sighed. God help her if her mom found out Nate’s
older brother had kissed her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">When she first saw her with Nate and
Chase, the twins’ mom had screamed she was a whore and had to be doing
something to get them to like her. She
demanded to know if this was why no girls came around her because they didn’t
want the reputation. When Drew laid
claim to Nate as his best friend then things were smoothed over somewhat. Andie rubbed her arm in reaction to the
phantom pain of memory of her mother’s nails digging into her flesh not to ruin
things for Drew. One day he was going to
be famous or rich and it was her lot in life to be his assistant, to be on his
beck and call.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"> “She’s
a bitch,” Drew said, rolling his eyes as her melancholy mood reached across
their twin sense. “She doesn’t know what
she’s talking about. If she’s not
causing problems she’s not happy.” He
tilted his head to the side and assessed her.
Something else was bothering her.
He could sense her discomfort that centered in the pit of her stomach
like a sense of foreboding. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">The nausea reached across to him and
goose bumps rose on his arms. He frowned
as he walked over to her. A vision of
darkness rolled over him as he clasped her clammy hand. Something was coming for them and it wasn’t
good. She couldn’t see it but as he
reached for her other hand shadows came into sharper focus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“Look what I can do,” Drew chuckled as he
tossed his baseball across the yard and his mitt mysteriously floated over to
catch it with a loud smack.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">"Look what I can do" is four words too long.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">"Chuckled" is a very specific reaction to an
event--something that most people relate with Santa Claus. By changing the
comma to an exclamation point (which should be used sparingly, but do have
their place), you can indicate his amazement and amusement much more
efficiently. [Were that previous sentence part of a novel, I'd have to revise
for egregious alliteration.]<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">"Mysteriously" is of course an adverb, and as
such requires scrutiny before justifying its existence. In this case, we have
to consider the POV character and whether or not they'd find it mysterious. The
blasé attitude with which it's met indicates that for these characters it is
not, in fact, mysterious to them. If the adverb is intended for the reader,
it's especially a no-no: telling the
reader what to feel is something we should all avoid, every time. Drag them
along for the emotional ride, or leave them behind--but don't tell them they're
on a ride they're not on-board for.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Look!” Drew
tossed his baseball. His disembodied mitt caught it with a loud smack.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“Not outside,” Andie hissed. She looked around nervously to make sure that
no one was watching. She was scared to
death of these things that were happening.
It had been funny when they were little.
They could pretend it was an invisible friend instead of something they
were doing themselves. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Again, there's nothing wrong with "hissed" per
se, but the dialogue is sufficiently terse that the speech attribution isn't
necessary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">We can kill the adverb, and make the single sentence two,
because the reason for looking around can be said with a few less words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">We can combine the next three sentences, boil out
"to be" conjugations, and along the way eliminate the entirely
redundant "things that were happening", replace "scared to
death" with "terrified", and "when they were little"
can become "as children".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Not
outside." Andie looked around. No one saw. As children they could laugh at
their "invisible friends"; now their powers terrified her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">This was way worse than being able to talk
to each other in their minds, everyone said it was a twin thing, even the
school counselor who thought she might need therapy because she refused to read
The Hobbit for school because it was ‘witchcraft,’ and her mom had told her
that her Daddy left when he discovered she’d given birth to abominations. They were evil and he’d fled as soon as he
could. Even most of the kids at school
avoided her as a freak. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">The first sentence isn't just a run-on, it's also
disjointed. There are very different pieces of information included, which
deserve their own sentences.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">"Able to talk to each other in their minds" is
"telepathy".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I don't understand how refusing to read The Hobbit
because it's witchcraft is related to twin-telepathy or telekinesis at all. The
issues seem unrelated, and the sentence makes the paragraph disjointed and
difficult to parse. I think the salient information is that twin-telepathy is
accepted as normal. (Editorial note: as an identical twin married to an
identical twin, I can say with some authority that we twins go rather twitchy
at this kind of thing.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">"give birth to" = "birthed".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">"They were evil" is redundant with
"abominations", and the entire phrase "he'd fled as soon as he
could" is redundant with the fact that he left.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">We can boil out "even", and "the kids at
school" are "her schoolmates".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Everyone said telepathy
was a twin thing, accepted it as normal; but not telekinesis. Mom had told her
that Daddy left when he discovered she’d birthed abominations. Andie's
schoolmates avoided her as a freak. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Her mom often demanded to know what she
was doing to make people hate her when everyone loved Drew; not that she didn’t
have any friends, but she claimed they were only being nice for Drew’s
sake. She sighed. God help her if her mom found out Nate’s
older brother had kissed her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">This first sentence is enormous, and the two sentences
are not sufficiently linked to justify a semicolon. It's also confusing--it's
not clear if Andie is making people hate her or her mom, nor whether it's Andie
or her mom that claims they're only being nice for Drew's sake. What is clear
is that her mom is judgmental and awful, so we don't want to lose that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">In "any friends", "any" is
clutter...but saying what someone has is (almost) always better than saying what
they don't, in the same way that saying what someone does is (almost) always
better than saying what they aren't doing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">"only being" is clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">In each case, "her mom" can lose the
"her", because we're in Andie's POV. Let's carry that boiling through
the rest of the sample.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Everyone loved
Drew, so mom often demanded to know what Andie did to make people hate her. She
had friends, but mom claimed they were nice for Drew’s sake. She sighed. God
help her if mom found out Nate’s older brother had kissed her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">When she first saw her with Nate and
Chase, the twins’ mom had screamed she was a whore and had to be doing
something to get them to like her. She
demanded to know if this was why no girls came around her because they didn’t
want the reputation. When Drew laid
claim to Nate as his best friend then things were smoothed over somewhat. Andie rubbed her arm in reaction to the
phantom pain of memory of her mother’s nails digging into her flesh not to ruin
things for Drew. One day he was going to
be famous or rich and it was her lot in life to be his assistant, to be on his
beck and call.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">The "she" is again ambiguous, more than once. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">"and had to be doing something" is vague, when
we just slapped the reader in the face with "whore".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Let's move "screamed" to the next line.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">We can boil out "When", "laid claim
to" is "claimed", "then things were smoothed over
somewhat" can boil down significantly: eliminating "When" allows
us to boil out "then", and by making "smoothed" the verb,
we can eliminate "were". A smoothing is not an elimination, so we can
boil out "somewhat"--but I think it's better if we keep it as its own
one-word sentence fragment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">And I'd put a paragraph break there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">The next sentence does not make grammatical sense.
Specifically, "digging into her flesh not to ruin things for Drew".
The reader can figure out what it means, but it's not a well-constructed
sentence. Let's break it up, and in the process eliminate the clunky
"phantom pain of memory of" by making it "remembered pain".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Let's boil out the "was going". "Famous or
rich" is a little weird. I'd change it to one or the other, and because
fame almost always comes with wealth, let's go with fame.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Assistants and beck and call are redundant with one another,
and "one day" is redundant with "lot in life", as both
concern the future.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">When mom first
saw her with Nate and Chase, she'd called Andie a whore who had to be sleeping
with them to get them to like her. She'd screamed that no girls came around
because they didn’t want the reputation. Drew claimed Nate as his best friend, smoothing
things over. Somewhat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Andie rubbed
her arm. The remembered pain of her mother’s nails digging into her flesh
scolded her: don't ruin things for Drew. One day he'd be famous, and she'd
serve as his assistant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">“She’s a bitch,” Drew said, rolling his
eyes as her melancholy mood reached across their twin sense. “She doesn’t know what she’s talking
about. If she’s not causing problems she’s
not happy.” He tilted his head to the
side and assessed her. Something else
was bothering her. He could sense her
discomfort that centered in the pit of her stomach like a sense of
foreboding. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Speech tags can almost always be boiled out with no loss
of content. The action tag following makes it clear who spoke.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">The two sentences about their mom can be made into one,
either by combining them, "She doesn't know what she's talking about, and
isn't happy unless she's causing problems." (Or something like that, which
boiled out one whole word). But it's worth noting that you can't write the way
people talk--dialogue in books is terser, even rambling dialogue. So my choice
would be to keep the more vibrant of the two descriptors, and boil out the other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">I'm not sure if the POV glitch here is intentional--we
start in her head, and end up in his. Because they're telepathic, I'm going to
assume it's intentional and let it be, though I'd recommend on a rewrite that
even for telepathic people, one POV per scene is a good idea.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">"to the side" is redundant with "tilted
his head", "something else bothered her" is redundant with the
sentence after it, and the last sentence has a lot of little clutter in it. (As
well as an echo on "sense"--three times in one paragraph is way too
much, and so is twice in one sentence!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“She’s a
bitch,” Drew rolled his eyes as her melancholy mood reached across their twin
sense. “If she’s not causing problems
she’s not happy.” He tilted his head and
assessed her. He sensed the foreboding centered in the pit of her stomach. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">The nausea reached across to him and goose
bumps rose on his arms. He frowned as he
walked over to her. A vision of darkness
rolled over him as he clasped her clammy hand.
Something was coming for them and it wasn’t good. She couldn’t see it but as he reached for her
other hand shadows came into sharper focus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">By rearranging the first sentence, we can make it more
active and boil out a couple of words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">"as he" = "and", and "to
her" is clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Constant reminder of visions is unnecessary--if we've
accepted that they're psychic, then we can describe what they experience as if
it's normal to them. You have an echo on "over", and the h-c-h-c-h
alliteration is a bit much for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">"Something was coming for them and it wasn't
good" and "She couldn't see it" are both so vague that they
provide, in essence, no content. So let's boil them out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">"Coming into focus" doesn't need
"sharper", as that's what "coming into focus" means.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Goose bumps
rose on his arms as her nausea reached him. He frowned and walked over. Darkness
enveloped him as he grabbed her clammy hand. As he reached for her other hand,
shadows came into focus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">On a final read-through, I realized that I'd missed that
the third and fourth paragraphs both start with "Everyone [verb]ed",
so let's change one of them to break it up a bit. With that final change,
here's what we've got:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“Look!” Drew
tossed his baseball. His disembodied mitt caught it with a loud smack.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">"Not
outside." Andie looked around. No one saw. As children they could laugh at
their "invisible friends"; now their powers terrified her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Everyone said
telepathy was a twin thing, accepted it as normal; but not telekinesis. Mom had
told her that Daddy left when he discovered she’d birthed abominations. Andie's
schoolmates avoided her as a freak. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">People loved
Drew, so mom often demanded to know what Andie did to make everyone hate her.
She had friends, but mom claimed they were nice for Drew’s sake. She sighed. God
help her if mom found out Nate’s older brother had kissed her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">When mom first
saw her with Nate and Chase, she'd called Andie a whore who had to be sleeping
with them to get them to like her. She'd screamed that no girls came around
because they didn’t want the reputation. Drew claimed Nate as his best friend, smoothing
things over. Somewhat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Andie rubbed
her arm. The remembered pain of her mother’s nails digging into her flesh
scolded her: don't ruin things for Drew. One day he'd be famous, and she'd
serve as his assistant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">“She’s a
bitch,” Drew rolled his eyes as her melancholy mood reached across their twin
sense. “If she’s not causing problems
she’s not happy.” He tilted his head and
assessed her. He sensed the foreboding centered in the pit of her stomach. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><br />
</span><span style="color: #4472c4; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent5;">Goose bumps
rose on his arms as her nausea reached him. He frowned and walked over. Darkness
enveloped him as he grabbed her clammy hand. As he reached for her other hand,
shadows came into focus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">So there you have it, 276 words down from 461, a reduction of 40%! What
do you think?</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-551682070114451362013-11-05T16:29:00.003-05:002013-11-05T16:29:50.059-05:00Boiling Sarah Remy<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">This week
we're boiling Sarah Remy's sample, 467 words of brief conversation. You can
find Sarah's blog at </span><a href="http://www.sarahremy.wordpess.com/" target="_blank"><span style="background: white; color: #1155cc; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">www.sarahremy.wordpess.com</span></a><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">.</span> <span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Let's
get right to the boiling!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Pierce
bent over the four-by-four, eyeing the dash. "You talk a lot, don't
you?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Only
when I'm nervous."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">He
considered that in silence. Unless it was the dash he found so absorbing. Reed
fiddled with the brim of her cap, then looked sideways at the dogs. They sat
exactly where he'd left them, like life-sized statues. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"What's
your name?" he asked, abruptly straightening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">She
fussed with her cap again, and then shrugged. "Reed. Reed Davis."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">She
saw from the blank look on his poor face that he didn't recognize her name, and
felt a surge of relief, strong enough to both surprise and make her hands
shake. Annoyed by the reaction, she crossed her arms and stuffed her fists in
her armpits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"How
did you break your nose, then?" she asked to distract herself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">He
scowled. "It's not broken."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"It
is." Reed grinned a little. "And maybe knocked out of place, although
it's hard to tell, isn't it? You should see a physician. Or at least try some
frozen peas."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"It's
not broken." She thought he sounded a trifle petulant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"It
is," she repeated. "I've a long familiarity with broken noses."
Without stopping to think, she leaned forward and set a gentle finger between
his eyes. "Here, on the bridge. Maybe twice. You need naproxin and an
ice-pack."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">He
hissed in obvious pain, and then captured her hand in his own. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"You
a doctor?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"No."
His palm was rough and warm against Reed's cold fingers. She tugged a little,
but he didn't seem inclined to let go. Her heart leapt, and she felt a slow
flush spread upward from her toes, weakening the backs of her knees.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Then
keep your prescriptions to yourself."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">His
eyes were very dark - almost black - and shrewd. Behind the grumpy scowl, Reed
thought she saw quick intelligence, and careful assessment<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">She
yanked until he released her fingers. The corners of his mouth curled again
when she huffed in annoyance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"You're
welcome," she retorted. "For the belt, and for the advice. Next time
Elvis jumps your fence, just tell him to 'go home'. He knows the way."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Next
time?" Jack Pierce protested. "I don't want him eating on my baby
apple trees."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Reed
swung into the Rhino and cranked the key. The four-wheeler growled to life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Actually,"
she said brightly, "the apple trees belong to me. Your fence is set 8 feet
too far to the east. You'll find a letter from my solicitor in the post, next
time you bother to check your box. Which must not happen very often, as I
believe she's mailed it a good three weeks past."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"What?!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">He
really was very attractive, Reed thought as she sped back up the gravel drive,
even with the clown nose, even when he looked ready to spit nails.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Pierce bent over the four-by-four, eyeing the dash. "You talk a
lot, don't you?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Only when I'm nervous."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">When I read
"four-by-four", I think "lumber". Later in the passage,
it's called a "four-wheeler" and a "Rhino". As Rhino is a
brand of ATV, I'd incorporate that information at the beginning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Pierce bent over the Rhino ATV, eyeing
the dash. "You talk a lot, don't you?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"Only when I'm nervous."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">He considered that in silence. Unless it was the dash he found so
absorbing. Reed fiddled with the brim of her cap, then looked sideways at the
dogs. They sat exactly where he'd left them, like life-sized statues.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The first two
sentences of this paragraph don't actually conflict, but they appear to enough
so that I'd reword them. The first appears to anchor the scene in Pierce's POV,
and then the second upends that and firmly anchors it in...someone else's. It
isn't until the third sentence that we learn this is Reed, and even then we're
not sure until we've gone a few paragraphs more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">...and yet, a
straightforward "He stared at the dash in silence" neither anchors
Reed's POV, nor provides the subtle uncertainty conveyed here--though to be
honest, I think that fiddling with her cap is sufficient to convey the latter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Looked
sideways" is "glanced", the "exactly" can boil away,
and the simile can be replaced with a single word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Reed fiddled with the brim of her cap as
he stared at the dash, then she glanced at the dogs. They sat where he'd left
them, unmoving.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"What's your name?" he asked, abruptly straightening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Abrupt action
can be conveyed with abrupt prose, and speech tags are always redundant with
action tags.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"What's your name?" He straightened
up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">She fussed with her cap again, and then shrugged. "Reed. Reed
Davis."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">She saw from the blank look on his poor face that he didn't
recognize her name, and felt a surge of relief, strong enough to both surprise
and make her hands shake. Annoyed by the reaction, she crossed her arms and
stuffed her fists in her armpits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"She
fussed with her cap again" = "Still fiddling", and thus
"and then" becomes "she".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Sensory verbs
can almost always boil out with no loss of content. Because she's the POV
character, we can dispense with telling the reader that she "saw",
"smelled", etc, and instead just describe what she's experienced--and
then condense them into her reaction.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">It's clear
that she's surprised, else there wouldn't be a surge of relief, so we can boil
those words away, too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"She
crossed her arms" can boil out, because she can't possibly stuff her fists
into her armpits without doing so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Still fiddling, she shrugged. "Reed.
Reed Davis."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Relief surged at the blank look on his
poor face, strong enough that her hands shook. Annoyed by the reaction, she
stuffed her fists in her armpits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"How did you break your nose, then?" she asked to distract
herself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">He scowled. "It's not broken."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Judicious use
of contractions help prose--especially dialogue--from being stilted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I think one
could make an argument that "to distract herself" adds to the
narrative, but I think I could make an equally valid argument that if it does
add, it doesn't add much. We already know she's annoyed at her reaction, and so
we can let the abrupt subject change speak for itself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"How'd you break your nose,
then?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">He scowled. "It's not broken."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"It is." Reed grinned a little. "And maybe knocked
out of place, although it's hard to tell, isn't it? You should see a physician.
Or at least try some frozen peas."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"It's not broken." She thought he sounded a trifle
petulant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"A
little" is clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"She
thought", like "She saw", can be boiled out without loss of
content.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"It is." Reed grinned.
"And maybe knocked out of place, although it's hard to tell, isn't it? You
should see a physician. Or at least try some frozen peas."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"It's not broken." He sounded a
trifle petulant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"It is," she repeated. "I've a long familiarity with
broken noses." Without stopping to think, she leaned forward and set a
gentle finger between his eyes. "Here, on the bridge. Maybe twice. You
need naproxin and an ice-pack."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"She
repeated" is clutter. (I'll note here that her dialogue is...a bit odd.
I'm not sure how intentional it is, so I'll leave, "I've a long
familiarity" alone.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Without
stopping to think" is what I call "negative words", a category that
contains pretty much every phrase used to state what a character doesn't do.
It's not that these phrases are never useful; just rarely.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"It is. I've a long familiarity with
broken noses." She leaned forward and set a gentle finger between his
eyes. "Here, on the bridge. Maybe twice. You need naproxin and an
ice-pack."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">He hissed in obvious pain, and then captured her hand in his own. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"You a doctor?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"No." His palm was rough and warm against Reed's cold
fingers. She tugged a little, but he didn't seem inclined to let go. Her heart
leapt, and she felt a slow flush spread upward from her toes, weakening the
backs of her knees.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">If it's
obvious, boil it out. In the phrase "and then", one or the other can
almost always be deleted with no loss of content.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Was",
and other conjugations of "to be", are usually indications that
something that can be boiled out. In this case, the word itself can go with a
small rearrangement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">That he
didn't seem inclined to let go is evident by the fact that he didn't let go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"she
felt" is sensory verbage, and thus can be boiled out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"spread
upward from her toes" can lose the "upward", as from the toes
there's nowhere else to go, and "the backs of her knees" can lose
"the backs of", because knees as a whole weaken/collapse, just just
the backs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">He hissed, and captured her hand in his
own, his palm rough and warm against her cold fingers. "You a
doctor?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"No." She tugged a little, but
he didn't let go. Her heart leapt, and a slow flush spread from her toes,
weakening her knees.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Then keep your prescriptions to yourself."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">His eyes were very dark - almost black - and shrewd. Behind the
grumpy scowl, Reed thought she saw quick intelligence, and careful assessment<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"were"
is another conjugation of "to be". Let's boil it away by combining it
with the next sentence, and along the way replacing "thought she saw"
with "detected"--because in her POV, there's no difference between
thinking she saw something, and actually seeing it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"Then keep your prescriptions to
yourself."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Behind his grumpy scowl, Reed detected
quick intelligence and shrewd assessment is his dark, almost black eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">She yanked until he released her fingers. The corners of his mouth
curled again when she huffed in annoyance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I think these
two sentences can benefit from just being more straightforward. A
"huff" is an annoyed action, yanking is what freed her fingers, and a
curl on the corners of his mouth is either a smirk or a grin, maybe a
"slight" smirk or grin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">She huffed and yanked her fingers free. He
smirked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"You're welcome," she retorted. "For the belt, and for
the advice. Next time Elvis jumps your fence, just tell him to 'go home'. He
knows the way."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Next time?" Jack Pierce protested. "I don't want him
eating on my baby apple trees."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We can boil
out the speech tags--dialogue tells us it's a retort, and a protest,
respectively.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"You're welcome. For the belt, and
for the advice. Next time Elvis jumps your fence, just tell him to 'go home'.
He knows the way."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"Next time? I don't want him eating
on my baby apple trees."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Reed swung into the Rhino and cranked the key. The four-wheeler
growled to life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"Actually," she said brightly, "the apple trees
belong to me. Your fence is set 8 feet too far to the east. You'll find a
letter from my solicitor in the post, next time you bother to check your box.
Which must not happen very often, as I believe she's mailed it a good three
weeks past."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Instead of
"said [adverb]", an action tag will tell the same thing, or even
more, more succinctly. I'm going to use "beamed", though you could go
with "smiled" or lots of other possible words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I try not to
touch dialogue too much, but I don't see a reason why, "the apple trees
belong to me" wouldn't be "they're my apple trees".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Reed swung into the Rhino and cranked the
key. The four-wheeler growled to life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"Actually," she beamed,
"they're my apple trees. Your fence is set 8 feet too far to the east.
You'll find a letter from my solicitor in the post, next time you bother to
check your box. Which must not happen very often, as I believe she's mailed it
a good three weeks past."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">"What?!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">He really was very attractive, Reed thought as she sped back up the
gravel drive, even with the clown nose, even when he looked ready to spit
nails.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Avoid double
punctuation. If necessary to show his shock, add a sentence. "His jaw
dropped." Or somesuch. It's not really a question, so in this case I'd
just leave the exclamation point.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Perhaps the
two most pernicious adverbs in all of fiction are "really" and
"very"...and here they're coupled with a "was" and a
"thought"....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"as
she", "back", and "even when he looked" are clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"What!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Reed sped up the gravel drive, grinning.
Even with the clown nose, ready to spit nails, she couldn't deny his allure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Two small
notes on the scene: We're missing something about Reed's situation--we don't
know if she's sitting or standing or lying down or what. The last paragraph
implies that she was in a car (or on a motorcycle, or can just run really
fast), but we don't really know.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We also have
no idea as to their ages, except that they're apparently adults.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Aside from
changes based on those two recommended additions, here's what we've got:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Pierce bent over the Rhino ATV, eyeing
the dash. "You talk a lot, don't you?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"Only when I'm nervous."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Reed fiddled with the brim of her cap as
he stared at the dash, then she glanced at the dogs. They sat where he'd left
them, unmoving.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"What's your name?" He straightened
up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Still fiddling, she shrugged. "Reed.
Reed Davis."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Relief surged at the blank look on his
poor face, strong enough that her hands shook. Annoyed by the reaction, she
stuffed her fists in her armpits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"How'd you break your nose,
then?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">He scowled. "It's not broken."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"It is." Reed grinned.
"And maybe knocked out of place, although it's hard to tell, isn't it? You
should see a physician. Or at least try some frozen peas."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"It's not broken." He sounded a
trifle petulant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"It is. I've a long familiarity with
broken noses." She leaned forward and set a gentle finger between his
eyes. "Here, on the bridge. Maybe twice. You need naproxin and an
ice-pack."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">He hissed, and captured her hand in his
own, his palm rough and warm against her cold fingers. "You a
doctor?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"No." She tugged a little, but
he didn't let go. Her heart leapt, and a slow flush spread from her toes,
weakening her knees.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"Then keep your prescriptions to
yourself."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Behind his grumpy scowl, Reed detected
quick intelligence and shrewd assessment is his dark, almost black eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">She huffed and yanked her fingers free. He
smirked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"You're welcome. For the belt, and
for the advice. Next time Elvis jumps your fence, just tell him to 'go home'.
He knows the way."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"Next time? I don't want him eating
on my baby apple trees."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Reed swung into the Rhino and cranked the
key. The four-wheeler growled to life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"Actually," she beamed, "they're
my apple trees. Your fence is set 8 feet too far to the east. You'll find a
letter from my solicitor in the post, next time you bother to check your box.
Which must not happen very often, as I believe she's mailed it a good three
weeks past."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">"What!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Reed sped up the gravel drive, grinning.
Even with the clown nose, ready to spit nails, she couldn't deny his allure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS Mincho"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">369 words from the original
467, a reduction of 21%. What do you think?</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-81967257064553696962013-10-29T21:59:00.000-04:002013-10-29T21:59:04.975-04:00Boiling into Space<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">This week's boiling is an excerpt from
<i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00G1JLNDC">Space in the Heart</a></i> by Rodney Walther,
author of the acclaimed and bestselling and most excellent <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004DNWIEG">Broken Laces</a></i>, a tale of grief and loss and baseball. His fiction is
orthogonal to mine; while I tend toward horror, sci-fi, and fantasy thrillers,
Rodney tends toward realistic, emotional dramas. But dammit, he's got a heck of
a voice, and I can't help but recommend his work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I met Rodney on the ABNA forums
several years ago, and he's one of the most gracious, delightful people I've
met online. Let's see what we can do with his 429-word offering.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
Garrison Sterling ran a gloved
hand along the surface of the four-foot rocket model, feeling for spurs and
cracks. He’d been working on it for more than a month, and everything needed to
be perfect before he delivered it to the science museum in Waco. Illuminating
the gleaming white surface of the orbiter with his flashlight, Garrison
considered how truly beautiful the space shuttle was.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<i>Just one flight</i>, he thought, for probably the millionth time since
he received his acceptance letter from NASA. Just one flight into the dark
expanse of space, one chance to experience the rumbling liftoff from a launch
pad, to circle the planet and gaze down on her continents and oceans, to float
weightless. But that <i>one flight</i> had
never been in the cards for him.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
He examined the silvery, ribbed
surface of the main engine thrusters, slightly wiggling them to make sure
they’d hold up to minor bumps. He confirmed the position of every decal and the
color of every painted line, because he knew that details mattered. And then,
as he always did for every handmade model of the space shuttle, he inspected
the grey-tipped delta wing of the orbiter, lightly running his fingers along
its leading edge as if checking for foam insulation damage.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
In the quiet of his workshop,
surrounded by spray paint cans of every imaginable color, organization bins for
PVC pipe fittings, and a movie poster of <i>Apollo
13</i> on the wall, Garrison paused to remember his friends.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
He’d worked with them all, of
course. The American public didn’t know the crew’s names—Husband, McCool,
Anderson, Ramon, Chawla, Brown, and Clark—until they perished in the sky over
East Texas, but Garrison had long known them on a first-name basis. Because
he’d trained with them. Because he’d originally been slated to fly with them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
A drop of sweat fell from the tip
of his nose and landed on the orbiter’s payload bay doors. He quickly wiped it
off and blew on the shuttle’s surface. This was not the time for mistakes.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
His cell phone buzzed, and then
Elton John’s <i>Rocket Man</i> filled the
silence. Garrison fished the phone from his pocket. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
“Mister Garrison?” the female
voice asked.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
“It’s Mister Sterling. Garrison’s
my first name.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
“Oh.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
After an awkward pause, he said,
“Can I help you?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
“You’re the Mister Garrison with
the telescope?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
He took a deep breath and gritted
his teeth. “Garrison’s my first name,” he repeated. “Last name’s Sterling. And
yes, I have a telescope out at my weekend ranch. I’m sorry, ma’am, but what do
you want?” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;">Garrison
Sterling ran a gloved hand along the surface of the four-foot rocket model,
feeling for spurs and cracks. He’d been working on it for more than a month,
and everything needed to be perfect before he delivered it to the science
museum in Waco. Illuminating the gleaming white surface of the orbiter with his
flashlight, Garrison considered how truly beautiful the space shuttle was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Gloves
go over hands, so "a gloved hand" = his glove". As you can only
touch the surface of objects, "the surface of" can boil out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">In
the second sentence, we can combine the clauses and thus boil it down to about
half its original length, and "he delivered it" can boil down to
"delivery".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">"The
[feature] of the [object]" can almost always boil down to "the
[object]'s [feature]." But in this case, we've got a repeat of
"surface". A flashlight isn't going to illuminate the subsurface, so
we can boil it out again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">I'm
not in love with the last line of this paragraph. First, as readers of this
blog will know, I'm "was"-adverse. Second, I'm also adverb-adverse;
in this case, "beautiful" is a strong enough word, though
"stunning" or "awe-inspiring" might be even better, and any
of the above can stand on its own without adverbial clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Garrison Sterling ran his glove along the four-foot
rocket model, feeling for spurs and cracks. His month's work needed to be
perfect before delivery to the science museum in Waco. Illuminating the
gleaming white orbiter with his flashlight, Garrison considered the space
shuttle's stunning beauty.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<i><span style="color: red;">Just one flight</span></i><span style="color: red;">, he thought, for probably the millionth time since he
received his acceptance letter from NASA. Just one flight into the dark expanse
of space, one chance to experience the rumbling liftoff from a launch pad, to
circle the planet and gaze down on her continents and oceans, to float
weightless. But that <i>one flight</i> had
never been in the cards for him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">"millionth"
is sufficiently approximate to render the "probably" either redundant
or implied. Similarly, "the" can replace "he received his",
as we can easily infer from the rest of the passage that the letter came to him
(and not, say, to a relative or friend).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">"one
flight" = "once", and
"chance to experience the" is extraneous.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">The
last line has a certain redundancy that I'm sure is intentional, but I don't
think it's needed. We can boil out the repeat of <i>"one flight"</i> and the cliché, and thus make a short
sentence with a lot of impact.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<i><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Just one flight</span></i><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">, he thought, for the millionth
time since the acceptance letter from NASA. Just once into the dark expanse of
space, one rumbling liftoff from a launch pad, to circle the planet and gaze
down on her continents and oceans, to float weightless. But no, not for him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;">He
examined the silvery, ribbed surface of the main engine thrusters, slightly
wiggling them to make sure they’d hold up to minor bumps. He confirmed the
position of every decal and the color of every painted line, because he knew
that details mattered. And then, as he always did for every handmade model of
the space shuttle, he inspected the grey-tipped delta wing of the orbiter,
lightly running his fingers along its leading edge as if checking for foam
insulation damage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Here
we go from considering to examining; essentially the same thing, so let's boil
out the redundancy. And there's "surface" again. "Slightly
wiggling" is "jiggling", though I think either will work here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">We
never need to say what a POV character knows or things, we just need to state
it as true. This gives another short sentence with some punch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">I'm
not a big fan of telling sequentiality, as it's implied almost always without
the need of saying it, but the "And then" here seems essential to
point out the ritual nature of the act. However, we already know it's a
handmade model, and we already know it's a space shuttle--though we can
emphasize this by replacing "orbiter" with "space shuttle"
as we move it to boil out the "of the". Finally, "lightly
running" can lose the adverb, as the care he's shown so far is quite
evident, and there'd be no reason to believe it wouldn't continue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">As a
general rule I hate "as if"s, but in this case it's so terribly
appropriate that it just has to stay.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">He jiggled the silvery, ribbed main engine thrusters to
make sure they’d hold up to minor bumps. He confirmed the position of every decal
and the color of every painted line; details matter. And then, as he always did,
he inspected the space shuttle's grey-tipped delta wing, running his fingers
along its leading edge as if checking for foam insulation damage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;">In the
quiet of his workshop, surrounded by spray paint cans of every imaginable
color, organization bins for PVC pipe fittings, and a movie poster of <i>Apollo 13</i> on the wall, Garrison paused
to remember his friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Spray
paint comes in cans.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">"imaginable"
is clutter given that "every color" is already hyperbole.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">We
can boil out "pipe", as most people only know PVC as plumbing pipe,
especially where fittings are involved. I'm not 100% on this one, but I think
we can eliminate "organization" without loss of content or tone. If
we really want to emphasize a meticulous, organized nature, we can add
"racks of" before "spray paint", but I don't think it's
necessary.... A disorganized workshop would have the PVC in a box, not in
(multiple) bins.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">"a
movie poster of Apollo 13 on the wall" can lose "movie" and
"on the wall", and we can rearrange it to boil out the
"of".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">In the quiet of his workshop, surrounded by spray paint
of every color, bins for PVC fittings, and an <i>Apollo 13</i> poster, Garrison paused to remember his friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;">He’d
worked with them all, of course. The American public didn’t know the crew’s
names—Husband, McCool, Anderson, Ramon, Chawla, Brown, and Clark—until they
perished in the sky over East Texas, but Garrison had long known them on a
first-name basis. Because he’d trained with them. Because he’d originally been
slated to fly with them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">The
first sentence of this paragraph is redundant with the rest of it; to whit, we
have the same sentence later with "worked" replaced by
"trained". We should pick one, and eliminate the other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">"didn't
know" needs to become "hadn't known", because it's in the past
and goes with "until".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">We
can boil out American as redundant with both NASA and East Texas, "the
crew's" = "their", and "in the sky" is redundant with
"over"...though on that score, I like the longer "in the
sky" more, even though it's longer, I think it preserves the tone of the
piece better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">It is
obvious that if he'd trained with them, he'd know their names and be on a first
name basis.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">The
last sentence can lose "Because" and "originally" with no
loss of content.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">The public hadn't known their names—Husband, McCool,
Anderson, Ramon, Chawla, Brown, and Clark—until they perished in the East Texas
sky, but Garrison had trained with them. He’d been slated to fly with them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;">A drop of
sweat fell from the tip of his nose and landed on the orbiter’s payload bay
doors. He quickly wiped it off and blew on the shuttle’s surface. This was not
the time for mistakes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Sweat
doesn't fall except in drops, so we can boil that out; when it falls from the
nose, it overwhelmingly falls from the tip, so we can boil that out, too. We
know it's an orbiter, and "payload bay doors" is no more informative
than "bay doors".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">"quickly"
is clutter. I'm inclined to do a word-for-word exchange, and swap "on the
shuttle's surface" with "to evaporate the moisture". We know the
moisture is on the shuttle's surface--on the bay doors, to be precise--so that
part is redundant. But it might not be obvious why he'd blow on it if we left
it as "blew on it". While not a boil out per se, we can include more
information in the same number of words, and evaporation is related to boiling,
so we can let it slide. ;)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Judicious
use of contractions can help prose from becoming stilted. Thus, "was
not" = "wasn't".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Sweat from his nose landed on the bay doors. He wiped
it off and blew to evaporate the moisture. This wasn't the time for mistakes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;">His cell
phone buzzed, and then Elton John’s <i>Rocket
Man</i> filled the silence. Garrison fished the phone from his pocket. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Arguably,
"cell phone" can lose "phone" or "cell" and still
work--so few people have land lines these days, and it's pretty common to call
a "cell phone" a "cell". That it has a ringtone makes it
doubly clear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Everyone
who will recognize Rocket Man knows that Elton John sings it. Everyone who
doesn't, won't care. The second "the phone" = "it".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">His phone buzzed, and <i>Rocket Man</i> filled the silence. Garrison fished it from his pocket. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;">“Mister
Garrison?” the female voice asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;">“It’s
Mister Sterling. Garrison’s my first name.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;">“Oh.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;">After an
awkward pause, he said, “Can I help you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;">“You’re
the Mister Garrison with the telescope?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">I
have nothing to boil here--the dialogue is authentic, and the speech/action
tags just enough to tell use who's talking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Mister Garrison?” the female voice asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“It’s Mister Sterling. Garrison’s my first name.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Oh.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">After an awkward pause, he said, “Can I help you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“You’re the Mister Garrison with the telescope?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: red;">He took a
deep breath and gritted his teeth. “Garrison’s my first name,” he repeated. “Last
name’s Sterling. And yes, I have a telescope out at my weekend ranch. I’m
sorry, ma’am, but what do you want?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">If he
took a deep breath and gritted his teeth at the same time, then he "sucked
air through his teeth". Alternatively, we can just eliminate whichever of
the two actions is less necessary. I'd normally go with "He gritted his
teeth" as enough, but as I don't want to eliminate content, we'll go with
sucking air.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">"He
repeated" is clutter--we know he's repeating it, and we don't need a
speech tag to go along with the action tag used to start the paragraph.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">He sucked air through his teeth. “Garrison’s my first
name. Last name’s Sterling. And yes, I have a telescope out at my weekend
ranch. I’m sorry, ma’am, but what do you want?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Garrison Sterling ran his glove along the four-foot
rocket model, feeling for spurs and cracks. His month's work needed to be
perfect before delivery to the science museum in Waco. Illuminating the
gleaming white orbiter with his flashlight, Garrison considered the space
shuttle's stunning beauty.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Just one flight</span></i><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">, he thought, for the millionth
time since the acceptance letter from NASA. Just once into the dark expanse of
space, one rumbling liftoff from a launch pad, to circle the planet and gaze
down on her continents and oceans, to float weightless. But no, not for him.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">He jiggled the silvery, ribbed main engine thrusters to
make sure they’d hold up to minor bumps. He confirmed the position of every decal
and the color of every painted line; details matter. And then, as he always did,
he inspected the space shuttle's grey-tipped delta wing, running his fingers
along its leading edge as if checking for foam insulation damage.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">In the quiet of his workshop, surrounded by spray paint
of every color, bins for PVC fittings, and an <i>Apollo 13</i> poster, Garrison paused to remember his friends.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">The public hadn't known their names—Husband, McCool,
Anderson, Ramon, Chawla, Brown, and Clark—until they perished in the East Texas
sky, but Garrison had trained with them. He’d been slated to fly with them.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Sweat from his nose landed on the bay doors. He wiped
it off and blew to evaporate the moisture. This wasn't the time for mistakes.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">His phone buzzed, and <i>Rocket Man</i> filled the silence. Garrison fished it from his pocket.<br /> </span><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;"><br /></span><span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Mister Garrison?” the female voice asked.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“It’s Mister Sterling. Garrison’s my first name.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Oh.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">After an awkward pause, he said, “Can I help you?”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“You’re the Mister Garrison with the telescope?”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; mso-themecolor: accent1;">He sucked air through his teeth. “Garrison’s my first
name. Last name’s Sterling. And yes, I have a telescope out at my weekend
ranch. I’m sorry, ma’am, but what do you want?”</span></blockquote>
<div class="NovelText" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">So there you have it,
</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">322 words from an original 429, a reduction of 25%. How'd I do?</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-65554458978010923112013-10-22T16:45:00.000-04:002013-10-22T17:48:09.617-04:00Boiling a Middle School Ninja with Nikki Bennett<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 18.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This week's boiling is
the first 497 words of the rough draft of Nikki Bennett's YA novel, Ninth
Street Ninjas. Let's see what we can do with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 18.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 18.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 18.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Keni’s day wasn’t going to go well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He knew for two reasons. One: he was already late for
the bus, and two: he was a nerd. Everybody, including his big
sister, called him a nerd. So it must be true.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Nerds <i>always</i> got picked on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So even though it was a beautiful fall day, Keni’s stomach was
full of extra-hyper butterflies as he ran after the bus. It was
about to drive away and he was going to miss it—he’d be totally humiliated and
the kids on his block would never let him forget it. Keni pushed his
sweaty glasses up his nose, blinked his eyes, and ran as fast as he
could. The doors were closing as he yelled. “Wait! Wait
for me!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The doors opened and Keni heaved his backpack up the bus
steps. He felt as exposed as if he had nothing on but his underwear
as kid after kid stared at him. He walked up the aisle, searching
for a free seat. They were all full. Except one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The biggest, toughest, meanest kid at Hookletown Junior High was
sitting in it. Indy Jenkins. Keni had been terrified of
him ever since Keni’s family moved to 9<sup>th</sup> Street two years
ago. Indy chomped his gum and glared at Keni through a curtain of oily
black bangs. Keni inched his way up the aisle. He felt like he
might poop in his pants. Did he dare sit, or should he just stand in
the aisle for the rest of the ride? He knew what Ms. Smith—the bus
driver—would say to <i>that</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He could hardly fit in the seat, Indy’s muscles filled up most
of it. “Excuse me,” Keni whispered as he smushed his backpack
between his knees and the seat in front.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“’Scuse you f’what? Livin’?” Indy grunted as he shot
lightning bolts from his eyes into Keni’s skull. Keni could already
feel the wedgie he just knew he was going to get sometime
today. Sometime when he least expected it. It was almost
a guarantee. It didn’t matter that there were no other spots left on
the bus—Indy would get his revenge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">**********<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">At lunch, as Keni sat by himself, a girl plopped down next to
him. Carleigh—she lived two houses down. She was the
funniest looking girl Keni had ever seen. Her hair was bright red
and twisted into two long braids. Freckles dotted her
face. She wore a neon green pair of overalls. A huge ring
with a big red stone in the center encircled one of her fingers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Hi Keni,” Carleigh said, giving him a big
grin. “Whatcha up to?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Keni liked Carleigh, but he always felt a little embarrassed
when the girl was around. He knew he was a nerd and shouldn’t judge
other quirky kids, but Carleigh was </span><b style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"><i>way</i></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;"> out
there. She must bring a few pairs of overalls to school with her,
because her overalls changed colors at least three times a day.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The
Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Keni’s day wasn’t going to go well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He knew for two reasons. One: he was already late for the
bus, and two: he was a nerd. Everybody, including his big sister,
called him a nerd. So it must be true.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Nerds <i>always</i> got picked on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Everything
here is boilable. We'll pick up that Keni is a nerd (and is perhaps too aware
of his nerd-status) through his actions and how others treat him, we'll learn
he has a sister when it becomes relevant to the action, everyone knows that
nerds get picked on, and the bad day becomes apparent on its own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So even though it was a beautiful fall day, Keni’s stomach was full
of extra-hyper butterflies as he ran after the bus. It was about to
drive away and he was going to miss it—he’d be totally humiliated and the kids
on his block would never let him forget it. Keni pushed his sweaty
glasses up his nose, blinked his eyes, and ran as fast as he
could. The doors were closing as he
yelled. “Wait! Wait for me!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">This
in media res beginning makes a great opening paragraph, but starting with
action is better than starting with weather.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The
word "was" is almost always an indication that something can be
boiled out. One or two here or there won't hurt anything, but by and large,
boil them out. They're "tells", not "shows", and while the
occasional tell is fine, by and large we should avoid them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I'm
going to make the assumption that Keni lives somewhere that leaves fall in
autumn. If this isn't correct, we can change the first sentence in a different
manner to indicate that it's fall without saying so. (This is one of those
cases where I'd discuss it with the author were this a real edit and not a blog
boil.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The
same goes for, "It was about to drive away". How does Keni know this?
"The driver grabbed the handle" gives the same indication without the
tell. The latter half of that sentence should keep the adverb because it gives
us a bit of Kenji's voice, but "on his block" can boil out for a few
reasons: the kids on the bus likely comprise more than just those on his block,
word gets around, and if the latter two aren't true, the fact that it's the
kids on the bus who'd witness it is implied.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">In
"blinked his eyes", "his eyes" is clutter--like
"shrugged his shoulders" and other such verbiage. One doesn't blink
anything else!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">If
we boil out the speech attribution, we can combine the closing door with the
run, and "ran as fast as he could" = "dashed".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I
love--love--the sweaty glasses falling down his nose first thing in the
morning. It cries out "nerd" in the best possible way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Extra-hyper butterflies wracked Keni's stomach as he crashed
through fallen leaves toward the bus. The driver grabbed the handle—he’d be
totally humiliated and the other kids would never let him forget
it. He pushed his sweaty glasses up his nose, blinked, and dashed
for the closing door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Wait! Wait for me!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The doors opened and Keni heaved his backpack up the bus
steps. He felt as exposed as if he had nothing on but his underwear
as kid after kid stared at him. He walked up the aisle, searching
for a free seat. They were all full. Except one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">We
know it's a bus, so boil that out...but add in that the driver's name is Ms.
Smith, so we don't have to break up a sentence to say it later.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The
second sentence contains redundant ideas. Trust your reader to know what you
mean without telling them twice. "had nothing on but his" =
"wore nothing but", and "kid after kid" = "the
kids".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"free"
is clutter, as he wouldn't be searching for a full seat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">The
last two sentences can be combined with the next paragraph.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Ms. Smith opened the doors and Keni heaved his backpack up the steps. The
kids stared at him as if he wore nothing but underwear. He walked up the aisle,
searching for a seat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The biggest, toughest, meanest kid at Hookletown Junior High was
sitting in it. Indy Jenkins. Keni had been terrified of
him ever since Keni’s family moved to 9<sup>th</sup> Street two years
ago. Indy chomped his gum and glared at Keni through a curtain of
oily black bangs. Keni inched his way up the aisle. He felt
like he might poop in his pants. Did he dare sit, or should he just
stand in the aisle for the rest of the ride? He knew what Ms.
Smith—the bus driver—would say to <i>that</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Boiling
down this paragraph requires a little rearrangement. Let's move "Keni
inched his way up the aisle" to the beginning, and boil out "up the
aisle" (because we just said it in the now-previous sentence) and replace
it with "toward the only open seat."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">We
don't need to say that Indy Jenkins is sitting, as it would only be strange
were he not sitting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Indy
Jenkins can combine with the "him" in the next sentence, and we can
make it more active and thus condense it further.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">We
can boil the "in" before "his pants".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Rhetorical
questions are something I'd generally avoid in commercial fiction, and we can
condense it by making it a simple statement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Unless
Ms. Smith becomes relevant to the story, we can gloss over her name.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Keni inched toward the only open seat, next to the biggest,
toughest, meanest kid at Hookletown Junior High. Indy Jenkins had terrified Keni
ever since Keni’s family moved to 9<sup>th</sup> Street two years
ago. Indy chomped his gum and glared at Keni through a curtain of oily
black bangs. He felt like he might poop his pants. Maybe he'd
stand in the aisle for the rest of the ride. He knew what Ms. Smith would
say to <i>that</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He could hardly fit in the seat, Indy’s muscles filled up most of
it. “Excuse me,” Keni whispered as he smushed his backpack between
his knees and the seat in front.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"He
could hardly fit" = "He squeezed in"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"as
he smushed" = "smushing". (I'd prefer "smooshing", but
my dictionary says both are acceptable.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He squeezed in against Indy’s muscles. “Excuse me,” Keni
whispered, smushing his backpack between his knees and the seat in front.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“’Scuse you f’what? Livin’?” Indy grunted as he shot
lightning bolts from his eyes into Keni’s skull. Keni could already
feel the wedgie he just knew he was going to get sometime
today. Sometime when he least expected it. It was almost
a guarantee. It didn’t matter that there were no other spots left on
the bus—Indy would get his revenge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">**********<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Dialect
is easy to overdo, and should be conveyed through word choice rather than
spelling whenever possible. If you get the voice right, people will read it the
way you intend anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Most
speech tags can boil out, especially when there's already an action tag to go
along with it. (As an aside, "grunted" is an action tag used as a
speech tag, and this should be avoided pretty much every time.) By making
Indy's eyes the subject, we can condense the sentence a bit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"he
just knew he was going to get sometime today" = "he'd get
later." As we can assume that Keni is not actually psychic (as conveyed by
the "just knew"), we can state that he knows it and thus convey his
lack of self-esteem without calling attention to the fact that it may or may
not ultimately be true.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"Sometime
when he least expected it. It was almost a guarantee." is clutter; he
expects it, indeed can already feel it, and everyone (including your readers
and Keni) already knows that bullies are all about surprise and opportunity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“’Scuse you for what? Living?” Indy's eyes shot
lightning bolts into Keni’s skull. Keni could already feel the wedgie
he'd get later. It didn’t matter that there were no other spots left on the
bus—Indy would get his revenge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">**********<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">At lunch, as Keni sat by himself, a girl plopped down next to
him. Carleigh—she lived two houses down. She was the
funniest looking girl Keni had ever seen. Her hair was bright red
and twisted into two long braids. Freckles dotted her
face. She wore a neon green pair of overalls. A huge ring
with a big red stone in the center encircled one of her fingers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">We
can convey that Keni's at the table alone without explicitly saying it, combine
the down-plopping with the fact that it's lunch, and give Carleigh's name in
one fell swoop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">That
she's weird-looking is conveyed by her description, and his worry that he
shouldn't judge other quirky kids in the next paragraph, so let's boil that
out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Again,
we can boil out some "was"es.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Overalls
come in "pairs" (sort of, but that's how we say it), and
"encircled one of her fingers" is sufficiently vague that we can boil
it out entirely--rings are worn on fingers unless otherwise specified.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Carleigh plopped her lunch down next to his. She lived two
houses down. Her bright red hair twisted into two long braids, and freckles
dotted her face. Her neon green overalls clashed with the big red stone on
her huge ring.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Hi Keni,” Carleigh said, giving him a big grin. “Whatcha
up to?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
Keni liked Carleigh, but he always felt a little embarrassed
when the girl was around. He knew he was a nerd and shouldn’t judge
other quirky kids, but Carleigh was <b><i>way</i></b> out
there. She must bring a few pairs of overalls to school with her,
because her overalls changed colors at least three times a day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Again
boil out the speech tag, and "giving him a big grin" = "grinned."
(Or if the bigness is important, "beamed.")<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"he
always felt a little embarrassed when the girl was around" = "her
friendship embarrassed him".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">"he
was" is clutter, as is "and"--and the bold on way shouldn't be
there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">What
must be true can always be boiled out, and her overalls do not change
spontaneously, she changes them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Finally,
"at least three" = "multiple", because once would be once,
twice would be twice, thrice would be several, and multiple can mean several or
more!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Hi Keni.” Carleigh beamed. “Whatcha up to?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
Keni liked Carleigh, but her friendship embarrassed him. He
knew a nerd shouldn’t judge other quirky kids, but Carleigh was <i>way</i> out there. Even at
school, she changed into different colors of overalls multiple times a day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Extra-hyper butterflies wracked Keni's stomach as he crashed
through fallen leaves toward the bus. The driver grabbed the handle—he’d be
totally humiliated and the other kids would never let him forget
it. He pushed his sweaty glasses up his nose, blinked, and dashed
for the closing door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Wait! Wait for me!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Ms. Smith opened the doors and Keni heaved his backpack up the steps. The
kids stared at him as if he wore nothing but underwear. He walked up the aisle,
searching for a seat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Keni inched toward the only open seat, next to the biggest,
toughest, meanest kid at Hookletown Junior High. Indy Jenkins had terrified Keni
ever since Keni’s family moved to 9<sup>th</sup> Street two years
ago. Indy chomped his gum and glared at Keni through a curtain of oily
black bangs. He felt like he might poop his pants. Maybe he'd
stand in the aisle for the rest of the ride. He knew what Ms. Smith would
say to <i>that</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">He squeezed in against Indy’s muscles. “Excuse me,” Keni
whispered, smushing his backpack between his knees and the seat in front.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“’Scuse you for what? Living?” Indy's eyes shot
lightning bolts into Keni’s skull. Keni could already feel the wedgie
he'd get later. It didn’t matter that there were no other spots left on the
bus—Indy would get his revenge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">**********<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Carleigh plopped her lunch down next to his. She lived two
houses down. Her bright red hair twisted into two long braids, and freckles
dotted her face. Her neon green overalls clashed with the big red stone on
her huge ring.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Hi Keni.” She grinned. “Whatcha up to?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.3in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">
Keni liked Carleigh, but her friendship embarrassed him. He
knew a nerd shouldn’t judge other quirky kids, but Carleigh was <i>way</i> out there. Even at
school, she changed into different colors of overalls multiple times a day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 18.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 18.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">311 words from an original 497, a reduction of 37%. How'd I do?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-70562772727118341802013-10-15T21:54:00.001-04:002013-10-15T21:54:45.803-04:00A Wilder Boiling<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">This week's boiling comes from Diana Wilder, a friend from the ABNA forums. An excerpt from a piece of fiction set in Egypt, the original sits at 499 words.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>The Original:</u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Nakhtamun frowned as he adjusted the reins' tension. "Don't be a fool. They'd have to march on the double and they would not thank me for ordering it without need. The fort is obviously deserted."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Senwadjet lowered his head and spoke over him. "If it please Your Majesty: we followed your orders and did not enter the structure, nor did we approach it closely. We do not know whether it is deserted. At this moment we know nothing of it apart from its outward appearance."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Nakhtamun stared for the time it took to check the arrow-filled quiver to his right. "We can verify that ourselves," he said.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Senwadjet raised his head. "Sire, I beg you. If I have done anything that has pleased you in the time you have been with me: we should have our foot soldiers and scouts supporting us. It will be slower, but we can face and fight any resistance we may encounter."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"No!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Senwadjet continued doggedly. "But, Sire, if they are dealing treacherously—"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"The place is deserted! I can see it, myself! There is nothing there. The troops will follow us as they can."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"But Majesty!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"Don't try my patience, General! If they have betrayed us, you have my leave to put them all to the sword!" And he urged his horses to a canter before Senwadjet could protest any further.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">** ** **</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Magnificent! The sun-bleached stones of the fortress seemed set within a frame of mountains rising almost purple to either side. The brightness echoed the lightness in Nakhtamun's heart. He would speak with his father and with Ramesses.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He eased his hold on the reins and his team quickened its pace. The canter became a gallop until they were in the shadow of the fortress' square gatehouse. He drew up, then, smiling at the tower, picturing it stuccoed and painted, peopled with soldiers and traders, as it had been in the great times. His horses felt the tension on the reins and shook their heads, their feathered headdresses tossing in the wind.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He turned to Senwadjet, who was beside him. "They spoke truth," he said. "It's in fine shape, from this vantage! We will see how it seems from inside!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">His horses stiffened their necks, snorting as he shook the reins. "What's this?" he demanded. He loosed the lash of his short driving whip and cracked it over their heads. The team lurched forward and then steadied, though their ears flicked back and forth. "That's it, my beauties!" he said.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He swept through the gatehouse, Senwadjet's panicked shout ringing in his ears behind him. A twang from the right, then a heavy thud as a long black shaft seemed to bloom in his breast. The horses screamed and reared. He heard the whine of a bowstring and looked down, choking, as another arrow appeared beside the first.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The back of his throat was filling with blood. His hands were losing their strength as he fell forward against the chariot rail.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>The Condensation:</u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Nakhtamun frowned as he adjusted the reins' tension. "Don't be a fool. They'd have to march on the double and they would not thank me for ordering it without need. The fort is obviously deserted." </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">As the simultanaety is sufficiently implied, we can change "as he" to "and".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"The reins' tension" = "the reins". As a general rule, we should avoid describing inanimate objects with possessives, so "the tension on the reins" would be better were "the reins" insufficient.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"and they would not" = "and wouldn't", and we can lose the "obviously" without loss of content. In fact, I think that boiling out the adverb makes the sentence more confident, not less.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Nakhtamun frowned and adjusted the reins. "Don't be a fool. They'd have to march on the double and wouldn't thank me for ordering it without need. The fort is deserted." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Senwadjet lowered his head and spoke over him. "If it please Your Majesty: we followed your orders and did not enter the structure, nor did we approach it closely. We do not know whether it is deserted. At this moment we know nothing of it apart from its outward appearance."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm not sure what the first sentence means, but the fact that he spoke is clear without stating it. I'm going to change "lowered" to "bowed" because I think it's what the author meant. The colon is unnecessary.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">One cannot enter a structure that one hasn't approached, so we can boil that out. "Closely", too, can go.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">My usual admonishment about contractions and stilted prose doesn't apply here, methinks, because when speaking to kings and lords (and in the modern day, cops), people tend to be a bit stilted.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The last sentence is sufficiently obvious—if they didn't approach, they won't know what it's like inside—that I think we can boil it out without loss of content.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Senwadjet bowed his head. "If it please Your Majesty, we followed your orders and didn't approach. We do not know whether it is deserted."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Nakhtamun stared for the time it took to check the arrow-filled quiver to his right. "We can verify that ourselves," he said.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Again I'm unclear what this sentence means. Is he staring at the quiver? If he's not and is instead staring at Senwadjet, what does it mean to check the quiver? Due to the lack of clarity, I've chosen to omit the reference to the quiver.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Either way, the action makes the speech attribution boilable.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Nakhtamun stared at him. "We can verify that ourselves."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Senwadjet raised his head. "Sire, I beg you. If I have done anything that has pleased you in the time you have been with me: we should have our foot soldiers and scouts supporting us. It will be slower, but we can face and fight any resistance we may encounter."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">This dialogue is clunky, though I get the feeling that this is at least partially intentional. Still, I think we can keep the stilted feel and still boil out a few words. Again, the colon is unnecessary.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Senwadjet raised his head. "Sire, I beg you. If my service has pleased you, foot soldiers and scouts should support us. It will be slower, but we can fight any resistance."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"No!"</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Senwadjet continued doggedly. "But, Sire, if they are dealing treacherously—"</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"The place is deserted! I can see it, myself! There is nothing there. The troops will follow us as they can."</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"But Majesty!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Arguments in real life are often repetitive to the point of savage annoyance. Arguments in prose should be more concise, so as to get the point across without bogging down the plot.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Continued doggedly" is a tell, not a show. The dialogue carries his persistence without the tag.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"No!"</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"But, Sire, if they are dealing treacherously—"</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"The place is deserted! I can see it, myself! The troops will follow us as they can."</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"But—"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"Don't try my patience, General! If they have betrayed us, you have my leave to put them all to the sword!" And he urged his horses to a canter before Senwadjet could protest any further.</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">** ** **</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Here I'd add contractions, because kings are less formal with their subordinates than the other way around.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'd go a bit easier on the exclamation points, too.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">We can boil out the "And" and the "any". The "horses" confused me here—I'd consider adding something to indicate that he's in a chariot(?) as opposed to on horseback.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"Don't try my patience, General! If they've betrayed us, put them to the sword." He urged his horses to a canter before Senwadjet could protest further.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">** ** **</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Magnificent! The sun-bleached stones of the fortress seemed set within a frame of mountains rising almost purple to either side. The brightness echoed the lightness in Nakhtamun's heart. He would speak with his father and with Ramesses.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"stones of the fortress" = fortress stones, "almost purple" is close enough to "purple", and instead of "seemed set within a frame", we can make the sentence more active and have the mountains frame the fortress.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The brightness/lightness rhyme is a bit sing-songy, and we can convey the same sentiment without it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The final sentence, "He would speak with his father and with Ramesses" disrupts the action without providing the reader with useful information. We don't know who Ramesses is, nor do we know what he intends to speak to his father about, nor do either apply to the immediate matter, which is the ride to the fortress. Thus, out it boils.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Magnificent! Purple mountains to either side framed the sun-bleached fortress stones. The brightness echoed Nakhtamun's heart.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He eased his hold on the reins and his team quickened its pace. The canter became a gallop until they were in the shadow of the fortress' square gatehouse. He drew up, then, smiling at the tower, picturing it stuccoed and painted, peopled with soldiers and traders, as it had been in the great times. His horses felt the tension on the reins and shook their heads, their feathered headdresses tossing in the wind.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The latter half of the first sentence is redundant with the next sentence, which itself can boil down a good deal.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"then" is clutter, better replaced by the near-invisible "and".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">He can't know what his horses felt—that's a POV glitch (though a minor one). I'm not a big fan of sensory verbs anyway, as even when they're not clutter, they're usually a "tell".</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He eased his hold on the reins. They galloped into the shadow of the fortress' square gatehouse. He drew up and smiled at the tower, picturing it stuccoed and painted, peopled with soldiers and traders, as it had been in the great times. His horses shook their heads against the tension on the reins, their feathered headdresses tossing in the wind.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He turned to Senwadjet, who was beside him. "They spoke truth," he said. "It's in fine shape, from this vantage! We will see how it seems from inside!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">That Senwadjet is beside him is implied by the fact that he turns to him, and the action obviates the need for the speech attribution. Other than that, "We will" = "We'll".</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He turned to Senwadjet. "They spoke truth. It's in fine shape, from this vantage! We'll see how it seems from inside!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">His horses stiffened their necks, snorting as he shook the reins. "What's this?" he demanded. He loosed the lash of his short driving whip and cracked it over their heads. The team lurched forward and then steadied, though their ears flicked back and forth. "That's it, my beauties!" he said.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">We can boil out both speech attributions without loss of content.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">He can't crack the whip without loosening the lash, and indeed with at least one hand on the reins it's difficult to picture how he'd do that other than just letting go of it, so let's boil that out.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Driving whips are short, so pick one or the other.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"The team" = "they", we can lose the "then".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ears can only flick back and forth, so back and forth is redundant.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">His horses stiffened their necks, snorting as he shook the reins. "What's this?" He cracked the short whip over their heads. They lurched forward then steadied, though their ears flicked. "That's it, my beauties!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He swept through the gatehouse, Senwadjet's panicked shout ringing in his ears behind him. A twang from the right, then a heavy thud as a long black shaft seemed to bloom in his breast. The horses screamed and reared. He heard the whine of a bowstring and looked down, choking, as another arrow appeared beside the first.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"behind him" doesn't work here. First, it seems like his ears are behind him, and second, we already know that he's outpased Senwadjet.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Seemed to" is perhaps my least favorite phrase in all of fiction. If it seemed to do something to the POV character, then it might as well have done it. If later this turns out to be wrong (and the fact that it's wrong is important to the plot), it can be dealt with as that becomes apparent to the POV character.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">You have a lot of compound sentences here, and you can emphasize the arrow by breaking it off. Given that some reasonable amount of the shaft is buried in his chest, "long" can be boiled out.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I don't know why trained warhorses would scream, so would recommend omitting that, but doing so in this case would be a removal of content, so I'll leave it in.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"He heard" belongs with almost all sensory verbs: boiled out. As the POV character, if he didn't hear it, you wouldn't describe it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Bowstrings don't whine, and though you've already used twang, I think you can get away with it again.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The time between the sound and the arrow appearing would be darn close to zero, especially if he's close enough to hear the twang, so the likelihood of his looking down as it hit is small.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The "choking" stalls the sentence, and works better in the next paragraph.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He swept through the gatehouse, Senwadjet's panicked shout ringing in his ears. A twang from the right, then a heavy thud. A black shaft bloomed in his breast. The horses screamed and reared. Another twang. He looked down at the second arrow beside the first.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The back of his throat was filling with blood. His hands were losing their strength as he fell forward against the chariot rail.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"was [verb]ing" is almost always a sign that something can be boiled out. In this case, let's use the "choking" we pulled from above. Choking occurs in the back of the throat, and wouldn't happen without enough blood to fill it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"were [verb]ing" almost always can lose the were" and the "ing".</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He choked on blood. His hands lost their strength as he fell forward against the chariot rail.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>The Result:</u></b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Upon reading the boiled version, something came to my attention. The structure of each paragraph is much the same.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Before the break, it's [Name] [verb]ed four times in a row: N frowned, S bowed, N stared, S raised.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">After the break, it's He eased, He turned, His horses stiffened, He swept, He choked.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The piece will benefit by not only varying the types of sentences (as we did above), but also the structure of paragraphs. Given that there are only two speakers, we can combine the stare and the head-raising, and boil out a few of the names, thus mixing up the paragraph forms a bit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">After the break, a little rearrangement accomplishes the same thing.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Nakhtamun frowned and adjusted the reins. "Don't be a fool. They'd have to march on the double and wouldn't thank me for ordering it without need. The fort is deserted." </span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"If it please Your Majesty." Senwadjet bowed his head. "We followed your orders and didn't approach. We do not know whether it is deserted."</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"We can verify that ourselves."</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Their eyes met. "Sire, I beg you. If my service has pleased you, foot soldiers and scouts should support us. It will be slower, but we can fight any resistance."</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"No!"</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"But, Sire, if they are dealing treacherously—"</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"The place is deserted! I can see it, myself! The troops will follow us as they can."</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"But—"</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"Don't try my patience, General! If they've betrayed us, put them to the sword." He urged his horses to a canter before Senwadjet could protest further.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">** ** **</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Magnificent! Purple mountains to either side framed the sun-bleached fortress stones. The brightness echoed Nakhtamun's heart. He eased his hold on the reins.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">They galloped into the shadow of the fortress' square gatehouse. He drew up and smiled at the tower, picturing it stuccoed and painted, peopled with soldiers and traders, as it had been in the great times. His horses shook their heads against the tension on the reins, their feathered headdresses tossing in the wind.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He turned to Senwadjet. "They spoke truth. It's in fine shape, from this vantage! We'll see how it seems from inside!"</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">His horses stiffened their necks, snorting as he shook the reins. "What's this?" He cracked the short whip over their heads. They lurched forward then steadied, though their ears flicked. "That's it, my beauties!"</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Senwadjet's panicked shout rang in his ears as he swept through the gatehouse. A twang from the right, then a heavy thud. A black shaft bloomed in Nakhtamun's breast. The horses screamed and reared. Another twang. He looked down at the second arrow beside the first.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">He choked on blood. His hands lost their strength as he fell forward against the chariot rail.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">341 words, down from 499, a reduction of 32%. How'd I do?</span><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-60689202579992473402013-09-24T22:12:00.000-04:002013-09-24T22:12:06.213-04:00Boiling Bridgit Goett<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
week's boiling comes from Bridgit Goett, who I met on the Amazon Breakthrough
Novel Award forums. She's offered up the first 491 words of her novel <i>Miss Bryson Loses Her Hat</i>. It opens with
a lot of dialogue, and rather formal British dialogue at that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Dialogue
is interesting because we can express an enormous amount about people through
what they say, but we can't write dialogue the way people actually talk. If we
um, like, did that, our prose would like get totally run over by like run-on
sentences and stuff because, um, people just don't talk in a way we want to
read, you know?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Let's
see what we can do with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Phillip
Charles Phelps-Morton, the Fourth Earl of Kensington, was sitting sprawled
across a leather chair, one leg thrown
carelessly over an arm, and reading the most recent copy of <i>The London Gazette</i> when his valet walked
into the bedchamber—a look of gravity on
his face. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Unconcerned
as his valet always had a look of gravity on his face the Earl glanced up from
his paper and drawled, “My dear Bertram is something the matter?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Nothing
that can’t be solved rather easily,” replied the valet, heading straight for
his master’s wardrobe. “Have you looked at the clock recently, my lord?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I’m
sorry but I haven’t had the time,” joked the Earl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Ha-ha,
very funny, sir, but unappreciated at the moment; have you really no idea what
time it is?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Deciding
to wax philosophical, Phillip leaned his head back against the chair and said, “What
<i>is</i> time really?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Being
of a more pragmatic bent, the valet replied, “I believe in this instance it
signifies that hour of the day when you’re to get dressed for the evening.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Not
one for thinking too deeply about things, are you, Bertram.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I’m
thinking it’s getting awfully late if you wish to be ready on time.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Phillip
sat up straight in the chair. “But that’s the thing, isn’t it? I don’t care if
I’m on time or not. In fact, I’m not sure I even want to go out this evening at
all. I can’t tell you how bored I am with this endless circle of parties and
routs. It’s always so <i>predictable</i>—never
any variation! And always the same people saying and doing it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
valet backed out of the wardrobe. “I’m sorry, sir, what did you say?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“All
you need to know is that I’m bored.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Oh,
is that it? Well, what say we enliven things a bit by putting on your
waistcoat?” The valet waved a garment at the Earl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sighing
heavily, Phillip stood up. “And seeing that it’s the black satin—again—is it
any wonder I’m bored?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Yes,
a black satin waistcoat is very tiresome, but perfectly suited for the
evening’s festivities.” The valet pulled the garment over the Earl’s shoulders
and buttoned up the front. Then, retrieving a small velvet-lined box he held it
out and said, “Now which set of cuff links would you prefer?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Oh,
I suppose those will do,” he said, pointing indifferently at a pair of gold
ones. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Bertram
didn’t say a word—he merely shuddered. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Amused,
Phillip raised an eyebrow. “Ah, but apparently <i>you</i> don’t<i> </i>think they’ll
do.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Oh,
no, sir, they’re an excellent choice,” murmured the valet, politely. “If one
were dining at home, alone, with only a kitchen maid for company.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I
did say I wanted to stay in for the evening,” dead-panned the Earl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“And
if you were I’d let you wear the gold ones but since you aren’t might I suggest
these?” The valet removed a ruby-studded link from the box.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Phillip Charles Phelps-Morton, the Fourth Earl of Kensington, was
sitting sprawled across a leather chair,
one leg thrown carelessly over an arm, and reading the most recent copy of <i>The London Gazette</i> when his valet walked
into the bedchamber—a look of gravity on
his face. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Unconcerned as his valet always had a look of gravity on his face
the Earl glanced up from his paper and drawled, “My dear Bertram is something
the matter?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"the
Fourth Earl" can lose the "the".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
can almost always boil "was [verb]ing" down to
"[verb]ed"...but in this case I think we can go a strong step further
by letting "sprawled" stand on its own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"carelessly"
is, like most adverbs, clutter, as is "thrown". <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
now-condensed sentence can thus lose the "and".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"the
most recent copy of" is unnecessary, because when one reads a newspaper,
it's only notable if it's not the most recent copy. (So "reading last
Tuesday's" would give some characterization, whereas "the most recent
copy of" does not.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Let's
end the sentence there, and thus boil out "when". "When" is
almost always clutter, because it's a given that any action described happens
at that point in the story.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"a
look of gravity" is the same as "a grave look"...but "on
his face" is clutter, because one doesn't wear a look anywhere else. And
let's lose the emdash in favor of a comma. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
"always" statement in the second paragraph is a "tell", and
we already have a scene full of "show" that Phillip isn't bent out of
shape by his valet's gravity. We don't want to take the good job of showing and
bash it down with an unnecessary tell—so out it boils.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
lack of concern is evident, as is the drawl, in the blase irony of his
statement. The words carry both sentiments without our having to state them, so
lets boil them out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
can then combine these two paragraphs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"The
Earl" is Phillip, so let's call him that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
already know he's reading the Gazette, so we can boil out "from his
paper".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
dialogue needs a comma.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Phillip Charles Phelps-Morton, Fourth
Earl of Kensington, sprawled across a leather chair, one leg over an arm,
reading <i>The London Gazette</i>. His valet
walked into the bedchamber, face grave. Phillip glanced up. “My dear Bertram,
is something the matter?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Nothing that can’t be solved rather easily,” replied the valet,
heading straight for his master’s wardrobe. “Have you looked at the clock
recently, my lord?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Dialogue
tags are easy to overuse, and in conversations of only two people they're
almost never necessary.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
know his name is Bertram, so there's no reason to continue calling him
"the valet".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"heading
straight for" = "walked to", but even that's more than we need.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"his
master's" can boil out for two reasons: first, we already know it's
Phillip's bedroom, and second, we already know Phillip is his Earl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">There's
nothing wrong with the adverbs in the dialogue, per se, but almost every chunk
of dialogue here has at least one adverb in it. And while we might talk that
way, it's cumbersome to read. To that end, let's boil out "rather
easily" and "recently".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Nothing that can’t be solved.” Bertram
opened the wardrobe. “Have you looked at the clock, my lord?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I’m sorry but I haven’t had the time,” joked the Earl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
know it's a joke, and the Earl is the only other person in the conversation, so
boil out the attribution altogether. (I also added a comma.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“I’m sorry, but I haven’t had the time.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Ha-ha, very funny, sir, but unappreciated at the moment; have you
really no idea what time it is?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
can boil out either "ha-ha" or "very funny", "at the
moment".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Let's
change the semicolon to a period. The sentence after it reads odd to me, but it
seems to fit the diction of a British valet (in my rather ignorant opinion on the
topic of how a British valet does/should sound), so let's leave it in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Very funny, sir, but unappreciated. Have
you really no idea what time it is?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Deciding to wax philosophical, Phillip leaned his head back against
the chair and said, “What <i>is</i> time
really?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
can always boil out cases where we state what someone does, then have them do
it (or vice-versa).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"against
the chair" isn't needed, as we know he's sitting in it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Lose
the speech attribution, and keep the "really" here because it's a deliberate
echo of Bertram's previous dialogue, but I did add a comma.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Phillip leaned his head back. “What <i>is</i> time, really?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Being of a more pragmatic bent, the valet replied, “I believe in
this instance it signifies that hour of the day when you’re to get dressed for
the evening.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Not one for thinking too deeply about things, are you, Bertram.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I’m thinking it’s getting awfully late if you wish to be ready on
time.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Bertram's
pragmatism is inferable from the rest of the scene, and besides, a pragmatic
valet follows the trope well enough that it doesn't need saying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
can boil out a few words here and still keep Bertram's stuffy tone: "I
believe", "signifies", "that hour of the day" can all
go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
next two lines can be replaced with a clause in Bertram's first line here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“In this instance it's when you’re to get
dressed if you're to be on time this evening.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Phillip sat up straight in the chair. “But that’s the thing, isn’t
it? I don’t care if I’m on time or not. In fact, I’m not sure I even want to go
out this evening at all. I can’t tell you how bored I am with this endless
circle of parties and routs. It’s always so <i>predictable</i>—never
any variation! And always the same people saying and doing it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
know he's in a chair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
next six lines of dialogue come close to saying the same thing over and over
again. We could boil them down in near-infinite ways, most of which amount to
taste, so I'm going to use my editor cudgel and boil as I see fit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Phillip sat up straight. “But I don’t
care if I’m on time. I’m not sure I even want to go out. These endless parties
and routs are so <i>predictable</i>, the
same people saying and doing the same things.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The valet backed out of the wardrobe. “I’m sorry, sir, what did you
say?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“All you need to know is that I’m bored.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"The
valet" = "Bertram".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"All
you need to know is that"...could be argued to be clutter, but we might
make the argument that it characterizes Phillip as bossy and elitist. This is
one of those cases where, were this an edit for real and not my blog, I'd have
to talk the change over with the author to see what was meant. But as it's my
blog and not an edit for real, I'm going to instead assume that what the author
meant to portray here is malaise and not elitism.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Bertram backed out of the wardrobe. “I’m
sorry, sir, what did you say?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“I’m bored.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Oh, is that it? Well, what say we enliven things a bit by putting
on your waistcoat?” The valet waved a garment at the Earl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
can again keep Bertram's stuffy tone while boiling out a few things: "is
that it", "Well", and "a bit".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"The
valet" = "Bertram", and "the Earl." = "him."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Oh? What say we enliven things by
putting on your waistcoat?” Bertram waved a garment at him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sighing heavily, Phillip stood up. “And seeing that it’s the black
satin—again—is it any wonder I’m bored?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
can boil out the adverb, and the "up".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
first half of the sentence can boil down a bit, and can lose the
"again", as it's implied by the "the" in "the black
satin".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Sighing, Phillip stood. “The black satin.
Is it any wonder I’m bored?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Yes, a black satin waistcoat is very tiresome, but perfectly suited
for the evening’s festivities.” The valet pulled the garment over the Earl’s
shoulders and buttoned up the front. Then, retrieving a small velvet-lined box
he held it out and said, “Now which set of cuff links would you prefer?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
know it's a black satin waistcoat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"perfectly"
can boil out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"The
valet" = Bertram, "the Earl's" = "Phillip's".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Then"
is clutter. As it's the next sentence, sequentiality is implied.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As
"retrieving" is so vague so as to not convey any envisionable
information, we can leave it implied.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Again
we can remove the speech attribution.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
know cufflinks (one word) come in sets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Both
characters know the box contains cufflinks, so there's no reason for Bertram to
say it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;"> “Yes,
very tiresome, but suited for the evening’s festivities.” Bertram pulled the
garment over Phillip's shoulders and buttoned up the front. He held out a small
velvet-lined box. “Sir?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Oh, I suppose those will do,” he said, pointing indifferently at a
pair of gold ones. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Now's
the time to mention that they're cufflinks, subsumed into the action.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Let's
get rid of the unintentional rhyme by boiling out, "I suppose".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Boil
out the speech attribution and the adverb.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Oh, those will do.” He pointed at a pair
of gold cufflinks. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Bertram didn’t say a word—he merely shuddered. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">There
is almost never a reason to state that a character didn't do something. And
boil out the adverb.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Bertram shuddered. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Amused, Phillip raised an eyebrow. “Ah, but apparently <i>you</i> don’t<i> </i>think they’ll do.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It's
clear he's amused, so boil it out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Boil
out the adverb, and "they'll do" = "so."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Phillip raised an eyebrow. “Ah, but <i>you</i> don’t<i> </i>think so.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Oh, no, sir, they’re an excellent choice,” murmured the valet, politely.
“If one were dining at home, alone, with only a kitchen maid for company.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Bertram
is the valet, and the sentence is polite on its face, so we don't need to say
so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"alone"
and "with only a kitchen maid" contradict each other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Oh, no, sir, they’re an excellent
choice,” Bertram murmured. “If one were dining at home with only a kitchen maid
for company.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I did say I wanted to stay in for the evening,” dead-panned the
Earl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"did
say" = "said", except that here I think the extra emphasis is a good
thing, so we'll spare it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
know it's "for the evening", and it's a dead-pan as written, so we
don't need to say so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“I did say I wanted to stay in.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“And if you were I’d let you wear the gold ones but since you aren’t
might I suggest these?” The valet removed a ruby-studded link from the box.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Most
of the first sentence can boil out, unless it's critical that the reader know
that Bertram, while the valet, feels that he has the power to dictate to an
Earl what he can and can't wear. (This is another "talk to the
author" moment).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"The
valet" is Bertram, and as we know the cufflinks are in the box, we can
boil that down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“And since you aren’t might I suggest
these?” Bertram held up a ruby-studded link.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Phillip Charles Phelps-Morton, Fourth
Earl of Kensington, sprawled across a leather chair, one leg over an arm,
reading <i>The London Gazette</i>. His valet
walked into the bedchamber, face grave. Phillip glanced up. “My dear Bertram,
is something the matter?”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Nothing that can’t be solved.” Bertram
opened the wardrobe. “Have you looked at the clock, my lord?”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“I’m sorry, but I haven’t had the time.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Very funny, sir, but unappreciated. Have
you really no idea what time it is?”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Phillip leaned his head back. “What <i>is</i> time, really?”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“In this instance it's when you’re to get
dressed if you're to be on time this evening.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Phillip sat up straight. “But I don’t
care if I’m on time. I’m not sure I even want to go out. These endless parties
and routs are so <i>predictable</i>, the
same people saying and doing the same things.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Bertram backed out of the wardrobe. “I’m
sorry, sir, what did you say?”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“I’m bored.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Oh? What say we enliven things by
putting on your waistcoat?” Bertram waved a garment at him.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Sighing, Phillip stood. “The black satin.
Is it any wonder I’m bored?”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Yes, very tiresome, but suited for the
evening’s festivities.” Bertram pulled the garment over Phillip's shoulders and
buttoned up the front. He held out a small velvet-lined box. “Sir?”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Oh, those will do.” He pointed at a pair
of gold cufflinks.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Bertram shuddered.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">Phillip raised an eyebrow. “Ah, but <i>you</i> don’t<i> </i>think so.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“Oh, no, sir, they’re an excellent
choice,” Bertram murmured. “If one were dining at home with only a kitchen maid
for company.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“I did say I wanted to stay in.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent1;">“And since you aren’t might I suggest
these?” Bertram held up a ruby-studded link.</span> </blockquote>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">491 words boiled down
to 283, a reduction of 42%. I believe I succeeded in keeping the tone not only
in the individual sentences, but in the relationship between Phillip and
Bertram. Do you agree?</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-26562307517250383282013-09-19T19:13:00.001-04:002013-09-19T19:13:15.667-04:00Shhh.... Boiling a Librarian with Hillary Dodge<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">This week's
guest is Hillary Dodge, The Horror Librarian. I met Hillary at BEA in New York
City this past spring, and it's exciting as all get out to see a librarian
focused on the horror genre. (We also ate some killer Italian food at a hole in
the wall not too far from Penn Station.) She's offered up her first draft of <i>Suffer the Little Children</i>, a creepy
short story, from which I've taken the first 501 words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">You can find
Hillary's excellent blog <a href="http://thehorrorlibrarian.blogspot.com/">here</a>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Original:</span></u></b><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I wake in the dark.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">“Catherine,” he calls. </span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">“Yes?” I turn over.
He is standing in the doorway, his dark form blocking the light from the
moon.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">“There’s something wrong.” He says.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I sit up in a surge of panic. Has it happened already? I took the test before he’d let me go to
bed. Maybe the results were in. Maybe he didn’t like what it said.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">“What’s wrong?” I ask slowly, fear putting an edge to my
voice.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">“You’ll have to see for
yourself.” He steps into the room and
takes my arm, helping me out of bed.
“Come on.”</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">He leads me out of the dark room
and down the hall. His house is vast and
I feel small. He takes me up the back
stairs, the only ones that I am allowed to use, and leads me down another
hall. As we near the bathroom, I begin
to shake. He stops and turns me in the
slivers of moonlight. He looks at my
face.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">“Can you feel it?” he asks.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I don’t know how to answer. “I’m not sure.”</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">“You’ll see in a minute,” he
promises. </span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">As we pass the bathroom, I feel a
strange tingle of relief. Maybe it isn’t
what I think. But then he opens a door at the end of the hall and the panic
returns. We are going into his
workshop. </span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">“You can see it best from up
here.” I don’t understand what his words
mean. Clearly it had happened, what I fear
most, and now I was going into his workshop for the last time.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">He pulls me into the rickety
stairwell. In former years, the attic
had been the servants’ quarters. He
closes the door quietly behind us and leads the way up the stairs. At the top, he pushes open the door that is
always locked and takes me inside. I
have only been inside the workshop once on the night he first brought me
here. That was probably four years ago. At the time, I hadn’t understood what the
workshop meant. I do now. </span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">He kept the room meticulously
clean, every surface spotless and every corner well-lit. There were two tall cabinets along the east
wall. These contain the tools. In the center of the room beside a specially
designed drain grill, is the long table. </span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">But he pulls me past the table and
towards the small window set low on the wall.
I have to kneel down to look out.
He takes a few steps back.</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">“Keep looking,” he instructs. “You’ll see it soon.”</span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I nod and watch. I feel the seconds tick by. Outside, the moonlight glitters in the fog
that enshrouds the farm. I don’t
understand what he wants me to look for.
I wait, eyes scanning the trees at the edge of the forest. </span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">“Have you seen it yet?” he asks
suddenly close behind me again. I feel
his breath on my neck. It is hot but
different somehow. </span><br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I shake my head. “Not yet.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Condensation:</span></u></b><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">I wake in
the dark.</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">“Catherine,”
he calls.</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">“Yes?” I turn over.
He is standing in the doorway, his dark form blocking the light from the
moon.</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">“There’s
something wrong.” He says.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Speech
attributions are rarely necessary in a scene with only two people.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We can boil
down the descriptive sentence by combining his location with the consequence of
his standing there. Note that this follows the general principle that conjugations
of "to be" should invite further scrutiny when it comes to boiling. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"light
from the moon" = "moonlight".</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">I wake
in the dark.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“Catherine.”</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“Yes?”
I turn over. His dark form blocks the moonlight
through the doorway.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“There’s
something wrong.”</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">I sit up in
a surge of panic. Has it happened
already? I took the test before he’d let
me go to bed. Maybe the results were in. Maybe he didn’t like what it said.</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">“What’s
wrong?” I ask slowly, fear putting an
edge to my voice.</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">“You’ll
have to see for yourself.” He steps into
the room and takes my arm, helping me out of bed. “Come on.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
rhetorical question isn't necessary here, because we already know she's afraid
and anticipates something. The naked question doesn't give the reader any new
information, so out it boils.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We can
combine the maybes, because he could hardly dislike results that hadn't come in
yet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">By moving the
fear up, we put it front and center for the reader. Slowly is a Tom Swiftly
adverb (see the Turkey City Lexicon), so out it boils. This allows the short,
concise question to stand on its own, thus giving it more impact.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">There's an
echo here on "wrong", so I'm going to change "What's
wrong?" to "What is it?"</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">I sit
up in a surge of panic. I took the test
before he’d let me go to bed. Maybe he
didn’t like the results. Fear put an edge to my voice.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“What
is it?”</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“You’ll
have to see for yourself.” He steps into
the room and takes my arm, helping me out of bed. “Come on.”</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">He leads me
out of the dark room and down the hall.
His house is vast and I feel small.
He takes me up the back stairs, the only ones that I am allowed to use,
and leads me down another hall. As we
near the bathroom, I begin to shake. He
stops and turns me in the slivers of moonlight.
He looks at my face.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We already
know it's a dark room, and he can hardly lead her down the hall without leading
her out, so we can leave this as implied.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">It's only one
word, but we can boil out the "and" by making the next sentence more
active.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"I
am" = "I'm". Judicious use of contractions help keeps prose from
becoming stilted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Takes
me" renders the second "leads me" boilable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Shake"
is a little vague, so let's change it to "tremble". "I
begin" is in the same category as "started to"--unless it's
important that the action is interrupted, it's clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">As a side
note, there are a lot of indications here of utter subservience and domination
without saying it outright, which is well done. (I've read the rest of the
story, and it's important!)</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">He
leads me down the hall. I feel small in
his vast house. He takes me up the back
stairs, the only ones that I'm allowed to use, and down another hall. I tremble as we near the bathroom. He stops and turns me in the slivers of
moonlight. He looks at my face.</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">“Can you
feel it?” he asks.</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">I don’t
know how to answer. “I’m not sure.”</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">“You’ll see
in a minute,” he promises. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Boil out the
speech attributions, and avoid telling the reader what doesn't happen.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“Can
you feel it?”</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">I hesitate. “I’m not sure.”</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“You’ll
see in a minute.” </span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">As we pass
the bathroom, I feel a strange tingle of relief. Maybe it isn’t what I think. But then he
opens a door at the end of the hall and the panic returns. We are going into his workshop. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"I
feel" is a strong indication that you're showing instead of telling, and
while sometimes that's fine, in general it makes prose more dynamic if you
avoid tells.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"But
then" is clutter--sequentiality is implied.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"The
panic returns" is a tell as well. It's not bad, but perhaps we could
change it to a show.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We already
know they're going, and by making the final sentence as short as possible you
reinforce the importance of it.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">My skin
tingles in relief as we pass the bathroom.
Maybe it isn’t what I think. He opens a door at the end of the hall and my
throat tightens. His workshop. </span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">“You can see it best from up here.” I don’t understand what his words mean. Clearly it had happened, what I fear most,
and now I was going into his workshop for the last time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"what
his words mean" is clutter, as is "clearly" and "now".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"going
into" = "entering"</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“You
can see it best from up here.” I don’t
understand. It had happened, what I fear
most, and I was entering his workshop for the last time.</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">He pulls me
into the rickety stairwell. In former
years, the attic had been the servants’ quarters. He closes the door quietly behind us and
leads the way up the stairs. At the top,
he pushes open the door that is always locked and takes me inside. I have only been inside the workshop once on
the night he first brought me here. That
was probably four years ago. At the
time, I hadn’t understood what the workshop meant. I do now. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The adverb
"quietly" can go--if it's important that it's quiet, change the
rather bland "closes" to something that emphasizes the quiet.
"He eases the door closed" or simply, "He shuts the door".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"leads
the way up the stairs" = "leads me upstairs".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"that
is" = "that's", and "and takes me inside" is clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"I
have" = "I've", and we can combine these next two sentences.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We can boil
out the first "the workshop" to avoid the echo.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"I do
now" is redundant with "At the time".</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">He
pulls me into the rickety stairwell. In
former years, the attic had been the servants’ quarters. He shuts the door behind us and leads me upstairs. At the top, he pushes open the door that's
always locked. I've only been inside
once, on that first night maybe four years ago.
At the time, I hadn’t understood what the workshop meant. </span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">He kept the
room meticulously clean, every surface spotless and every corner well-lit. There were two tall cabinets along the east
wall. These contain the tools. In the center of the room beside a specially
designed drain grill, is the long table. </span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">But he
pulls me past the table and towards the small window set low on the wall. I have to kneel down to look out. He takes a few steps back.</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">“Keep
looking,” he instructs. “You’ll see it
soon.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Boil out the
adverb, and as corners are made of surfaces, we can boil that out, too. On a
re-read, we can boil out "the room clean" as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"There were"
and "these contain" are clutter. "The tools" gives them a
creepier vibe that "his tools" or just "tools" doesn't, so
despite it just being a simple "the", it's importance in ambiance
keeps it in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Boil out
"is" by choosing a better verb. "specially designed" =
"custom", and while these changes only boiled out two words, I hope
you'll agree that they make the sentence more engaging.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">In the next
paragraph, "the table" is clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Oddly enough,
"towards", "backwards", and so forth bug the crap out of some
people, while "toward" and "backward" do not. Both are
technically correct, so pick the one that doesn't annoy some people...only in
this case, he doesn't just pull her toward it, he pulls her to it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"have
to" is clutter, as is "down". (One never kneels up!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">By putting
his action (from which "take a few" is clutter)</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">He kept
every surface spotless and well-lit. Two
tall cabinets along the east wall held the tools. The long table dominated the center of the
room beside a custom drain grill. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">But he
pulls me past, to the small window set low on the wall. I kneel to look out. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">He steps
back. “Keep looking. You’ll see it soon.”</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">I nod and
watch. I feel the seconds tick by. Outside, the moonlight glitters in the fog
that enshrouds the farm. I don’t
understand what he wants me to look for.
I wait, eyes scanning the trees at the edge of the forest. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"and
watch" is redundant with scanning the trees.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"I
feel" is clutter, as is almost every statement that time passes. The fact
that she has time to mentally comment on the fog and moonlight tells us that
time ticks by.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Of course fog
happens outside, and "that enshrouds" = "enshrouding".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">In the next
sentence, we can boil out "he wants me to" if we change
"understand" to "know".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">She's not
waiting, she's scanning, so "I wait" should boil out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"eyes"
is clutter. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Forests are
made of trees, so we can boil that out, too.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">I
nod. Moonlight glitters in the fog
enshrouding the farm. I don’t know what
to look for. I scan the edge of the
forest.</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">“Have you seen it yet?” he asks suddenly close
behind me again. I feel his breath on my
neck. It is hot but different
somehow.</span><br />
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: red; text-indent: 0.5in;">I shake my
head. “Not yet.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">He has to be
close behind her again if she can feel his breath on her neck, "I
feel" is clutter, and by boiling it out we can combine this sentence with
the next.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">On a side
note, reading the rest of the story, we never get any indication of why his
breath would be somehow different, or what that even means. As such, I believe
it serves as a distraction. So I'm going to invoke blogger's prerogative and
break my own rules by cutting it, even though I pledge to leave content alone.
This is one of those situations where, were I doing a real edit for
publication, I'd have a discussion with the author about the intent of the
phrase, and whether it should be expanded upon or eliminated.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“Have
you seen it yet?” His breath warms my neck. </span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">I shake
my head. “Not yet.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Result:</span></u></b><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">I wake
in the dark.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“Catherine.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“Yes?”
I turn over. His dark form blocks the moonlight
through the doorway.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“There’s
something wrong.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">I sit
up in a surge of panic. I took the test
before he’d let me go to bed. Maybe he
didn’t like the results. Fear put an edge to my voice.</span> <span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“What
is it?”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“You’ll
have to see for yourself.” He steps into
the room and takes my arm, helping me out of bed. “Come on.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">He
leads me down the hall. I feel small in
his vast house. He takes me up the back
stairs, the only ones that I'm allowed to use, and down another hall. I tremble as we near the bathroom. He stops and turns me in the slivers of
moonlight. He looks at my face.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“Can
you feel it?”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">I hesitate. “I’m not sure.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“You’ll
see in a minute.” </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">My skin
tingles in relief as we pass the bathroom.
Maybe it isn’t what I think. He opens a door at the end of the hall and my
throat tightens. His workshop. </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“You
can see it best from up here.” I don’t
understand. It had happened, what I fear
most, and I was entering his workshop for the last time.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">He
pulls me into the rickety stairwell. In
former years, the attic had been the servants’ quarters. He shuts the door behind us and leads me upstairs. At the top, he pushes open the door that's
always locked. I've only been inside
once, on that first night maybe four years ago.
At the time, I hadn’t understood what the workshop meant. </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">He kept
every surface spotless and well-lit. Two
tall cabinets along the east wall held the tools. The long table dominated the center of the
room beside a custom drain grill. </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">But he
pulls me past, to the small window set low on the wall. I kneel to look out. </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">He steps
back. “Keep looking. You’ll see it soon.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">I
nod. Moonlight glitters in the fog
enshrouding the farm. I don’t know what
to look for. I scan the edge of the
forest. </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">“Have
you seen it yet?” His breath warms my neck. </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0.5in;">I shake
my head. “Not yet.”</span></blockquote>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">So, 367 words down from 501, a 27% boiling. What do
you think?</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-51927756755191706632013-09-10T22:13:00.001-04:002013-09-10T22:13:24.079-04:00Soup from a Student with Ben Case<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Ben
Case is a former physics student of mine who's now venturing into writing in
the fantasy/science fiction genres. He's offered up 503 words of his short
story, <i>Grym</i>, for us to boil down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="background: white; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Original:<i><o:p></o:p></i></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Hours dragged by and the day's sun was beginning
to set. Chief Garuun had shown off his son in front of all the Hunters in the
Black Sun camp. Many admonished how strong he was and shared the belief that he
would become a strong and mighty warrior, like his fathers before him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The mammoth was roasted up along with other
savory meats that had been prepared by the tribeswomen. Naalah looked as though
most of her strength had returned, as she was dressed and present at her mates
side at the feast. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Bloodwine flowed out of the drinking horns almost
as soon as it was poured. Some of the hunters beat their war drums to make
music for the celebration. Dancers spun around each other in front of the
bonfire. They danced for the son of the Chief. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Garuun and Naalah kissed, his mate biting down
viciously on his lower lip, and drawing black blood, which only enticed the
Chieftain for more. The small family was overjoyed and in the best of spirits,
until the celebration was interrupted. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A scream coming from a female member of the
tribe. The music and dancing cut out as the celebration came to a hault. The
red skinned Orc came stumbling forward, she was holding her stomach which was
bleeding with an arrow protruding from her abdomen. She stumbled to the center
of the crowd of Orcs who made way for. The female uttered something
incomprehensible and looked around hysterically. She looked up at Chief Garuun
who bolted upright from his seat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The female collapsed on her side and faded away
into death's grip, her violet eyes glassing over as her last breath escaped
her. Another loud roar came from within the crowd. It was the females mate. He
picked up her limp body and tapped her cold cheek with his palm to wake her.
Nothing happened. Her mate began to shake her crazily, still nothing happened.
He gave up and buried his face in the females stomach. He yanked the arrow out
and wiped away the black blood to expose a silver point. Steel. He turned to
Garuun, held up the weapon and let out a blood curdling scream. Steel was used
by Humans over the Reach. This was a deliberate attack against the tribe. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">More arrows began to fall out of the sky. Orcs
fled for shelter and weapons. Garuun was struck in the shoulder with a steel
arrow. The chieftain pulled it out and snapped it between his fingers, a small
trickle of blood running down his arm. He used his body as a shield to allow
Naalah and the child to run. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The three of them made it back to their long
tent. Garuun went into his battle chest and quickly threw on his light armor
and picked up his axes. He got his tiger saddled and placed Naalah in the seat.
The Mistress had her child in a sling across her chest. Garuun looked up one
last time at his mate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="background: white; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Condensation:<i><o:p></o:p></i></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Hours dragged by and the day's sun was beginning to
set. Chief Garuun had displayed his son to the Hunters in the Black Sun camp.
Many admonished how strong he was and shared the belief that he would become a
strong and mighty warrior, like his fathers before him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The first sentence can combine with the second.
My usual objection to "beginning to" applies here--unless it's
important that the action in question is interrupted, the fact that it began is
no more informative than the fact that it's happening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"had shown off" =
"displayed", "in front of all" = "to"...and
"Hunters" shouldn't be capitalized. (Unless it's a proper name for
the group.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I have to admonish you here, because you meant
"admired", not "admonished".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Many" = "They", "how
strong he was" = "the boy's strength"...which is redundant with
"strong and mighty". We should change "the belief" to
"their belief", to better solidify that they are sharing this belief
with the chief.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Finally, as we learn later that the members of
the Black Sun camp aren't human, I think we need to say so right away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As the sun set, Chief Garuun displayed his son to
the orc hunters in the Black Sun camp. They admired the boy's strength and
shared their belief that he would become a mighty warrior like his fathers
before him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The mammoth was roasted up along with other savory
meats that had been prepared by the tribeswomen. Naalah looked as though most
of her strength had returned, as she was dressed and present at her mates side
at the feast. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"was roasted" fails the "by
zombies" test for passive voice--put the actors first, before the action. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"up" is clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"along with" = "and", and
unless for some reason it's sugared, all meat is savory.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We know (or can easily infer that) it's a
feast, so "at the feast" is clutter. This sentence is a tell instead
of a show, though, and we can fix that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"mates" needs an apostrophe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I'm going to add "dark red" here, so
that I can remove the "red-skinned" from later, because the detail at
that point detracts from the action.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Tribeswomen roasted mammoth and other meats. Dressed
and present at her mate's side, Naalah's dark red skin had regained some of its
color.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Bloodwine flowed out of the drinking horns almost
as soon as it was poured. Some of the hunters beat their war drums to make
music for the celebration. Dancers spun around each other in front of the
bonfire. They danced for the son of the Chief. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"out of the" = "from",
"almost" is clutter, and for that matter, "as soon as it was
poured" is redundant because we've already got a great verb,
"flowed", to describe the action.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Some of the hunters" =
"Hunters" (as we can assume the "some"), "their"
is clutter, and "to make music for the" = "in".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We can combine the last two sentences with the
one before them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"the son of the Chief" = "his
son", because we're in Garuun's POV.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Bloodwine flowed from drinking horns. Hunters
beat war drums and dancers spun in front of the bonfire in celebration of his
son. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Garuun and Naalah kissed, his mate biting down
viciously on his lower lip, and drawing black blood, which only enticed the
Chieftain for more. The small family was overjoyed and in the best of spirits,
until the celebration was interrupted. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The first clause can be made more active.
"viciously", aside from being an adverb (Boo! Hiss!), is redundant
with "drawing black blood".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"down on" is clutter, as is
"only".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"the Chieftain" = "him"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"enticed him for more" =
"stoking his desire" (or something like that...I originally went with
"arousing him", but that's a bit more explicit).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The second sentence here is both a tell and
utterly redundant with the rest of the piece. We don't need to tell the reader
what they already know from the action.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">At this point I see no reason not to combine
this sentence with the paragraph above, which we'll do in the final edit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Naalah kissed him, biting his lower lip and
drawing black blood, stoking his desire.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A scream coming from a female member of the tribe.
The music and dancing cut out as the celebration came to a hault. The red
skinned Orc came stumbling forward, she was holding her stomach which was
bleeding with an arrow protruding from her abdomen. She stumbled to the center
of the crowd of Orcs who made way for. The female uttered something
incomprehensible and looked around hysterically. She looked up at Chief Garuun
who bolted upright from his seat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The first sentence is a sudden action, so it
should be sudden prose.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The music and dancing are the celebration, so
we can pick one or at most two of those words and rewrite the second sentence
with it. "came to a hault[sic]" = "died".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">While we're at it, let's combine that short
sentence with the one after it, where: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"The red skinned Orc" =
"she", <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"came stumbling forward" =
"stumbled forward", <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"she was holding" =
"clutching"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">And we can move "bleeding" forward to
boil out the last clause.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We have an echo on "stumbled", but
the sentence (which ends abruptly and ungrammatically) is redundant enough with
the one before it that we can eliminate it altogether.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"The female" = "she",
"something incomprehensible" = "gibberish". To eliminate
the adverb "hysterically" and the echo on "looked", we can
combine the next two sentences, then spin off Garuun's action into its own
paragraph where it belongs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A tribeswoman screamed. The celebration died as
she stumbled forward, clutching her bleeding stomach and the arrow protruding
from it. She uttered gibberish and beseeched Garuun, eyes mad with pain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Garuun bolted from his seat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The female collapsed on her side and faded away
into death's grip, her violet eyes glassing over as her last breath escaped
her. Another loud roar came from within the crowd. It was the females mate. He
picked up her limp body and tapped her cold cheek with his palm to wake her.
Nothing happened. Her mate began to shake her crazily, still nothing happened.
He gave up and buried his face in the females stomach. He yanked the arrow out
and wiped away the black blood to expose a silver point. Steel. He turned to
Garuun, held up the weapon and let out a blood curdling scream. Steel was used
by Humans over the Reach. This was a deliberate attack against the tribe. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The first sentence combines a show with a
redunant tell. As do the next two. Let's make them one!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I don't know how one taps with a palm, so I
changed that to "patted". "to wake her" is redundant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">It's rare that an author should tell the reader
what didn't happen, as opposed to what did. To that effect, we can boil out
both "nothing happened"s.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Her mate" = "he".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"began to" is clutter, as he isn't
interrupted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"crazily" is clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The action in this paragraph doesn't make
sense. The arrow is protruding from her stomach, so he can't bury his head
there without it being in the way. Thus, I'm changing stomach to
"breast". This has the advantage of putting him in a great position
to wrest out the arrow--which should happen in its own paragraph.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Steel isn't silver, and the fact that it's
steel can be emphasized by breaking the echo rule and using the word twice in
close succession.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Let's combine the actions of turning and
holding up the weapon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">At this point, the information that the humans
(which should not be capitalized) are over the Reach interferes with the
narrative--there will be a better place for it somewhere else in the story.
That it's a deliberate attack is redundant with what happens next.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Her mate roared as she collapsed, her violet
eyes glassing over as her last breath escaped her. He picked up her limp body
and patted her cold cheek with his palm. He shook her, then gave up and buried
his face in her breast.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He yanked the arrow out and wiped away the
black blood to expose a steel point. Steel. He held it up to Garuun and let out
a blood curdling scream. Humans. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">More arrows began to fall out of the sky. Orcs fled
for shelter and weapons. Garuun was struck in the shoulder with a steel arrow.
The chieftain pulled it out and snapped it between his fingers, a small trickle
of blood running down his arm. He used his body as a shield to allow Naalah and
the child to run. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"More" and "began to" are
clutter, and "fall out of the sky" = "fell."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"was struck in the shoulder" fails
the "by zombies" test, and while he can guess it's got a steel head,
he wouldn't have time to know that for sure while it's burying itself in his
shoulder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"The chieftain" = "he",
because we haven't left his POV (as we shouldn't in a single scene)...and while
there's nothing wrong with "pulled", I think we can pick a verb
that's more active (in the pizzazz sense, not the grammatical sense). Trickles
are small, and the phrase can boil down by making it more active (in the
grammatical sense).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The last sentence doesn't work with the one
that starts the next paragraph. He didn't just shield them, he ran with them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Arrows fell. Orcs fled for shelter and weapons.
An arrow struck Garuun in the shoulder. He jerked it out and snapped it between
his fingers, blood trickling down his arm. He shielded Naalah and their child with
his body as they ran. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The three of them made it back to their long tent.
Garuun went into his battle chest and quickly threw on his light armor and
picked up his axes. He got his tiger saddled and placed Naalah in the seat. The
Mistress had her child in a sling across her chest. Garuun looked up one last
time at his mate.</span><span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">So now "The three of them" =
"They.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This is one of those cases where I'm going to
advocate adding some words. "Light armor" doesn't mean anything in
this context--it could be most anything, and gives the reader nothing
whatsoever to go on. I'm going to guess that it's leathers and furs, but of
course this is something that would be discussed with the author were I editing
for the author instead of boiling as an exercise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"went into" = "opened",
"quickly threw on" = "pulled on"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"got his tiger saddled" fails the
"by zombie" test, and is the tiger really in their tent?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Combining these sentences will boil out a few
more words.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"one last time" is a POV glitch,
sometimes called "author intrusion". Unless he's psychic, he can't
know that it's the last time. ...and instead of using something kind of bland
like "looked up at", we can boil things down by using something
punchier.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">They made it back to their long tent. Garuun opened
his battle chest, pulled on his leather and fur armor, and picked up his axes. Outside,
he saddled his tiger and placed Naalah in the seat, their child in a sling
across her chest. They locked eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="background: white; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Result:<i><o:p></o:p></i></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">In the final read, I think that Garuun bolting
from his seat belongs with the woman screaming, at the cost of an added
"as". The line about meat belongs in the paragraph about wine and
celebration.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As the sun set, Chief Garuun displayed his son to
the orc hunters in the Black Sun camp. They admired the boy's strength and
shared their belief that he would become a mighty warrior like his fathers
before him. Dressed and present at her mate's side, Naalah's dark red skin had
regained some of its color.</span> <span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Tribeswomen roasted mammoth and other meats. Bloodwine
flowed from drinking horns. Hunters beat war drums and dancers spun in front of
the bonfire in celebration of his son. Naalah kissed him, biting his lower lip
and drawing black blood, stoking his desire.<span style="background-color: transparent;"> </span></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="background: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">He bolted from his seat as a tribeswoman
screamed. The celebration died as she stumbled forward, clutching her bleeding stomach
and the arrow protruding from it. She uttered gibberish and beseeched Garuun,
eyes mad with pain.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Her mate roared as she collapsed, her violet
eyes glassing over as her last breath escaped her. He picked up her limp body
and patted her cold cheek with his palm. He shook her, then gave up and buried
his face in her breast.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">He yanked the arrow out and wiped away the
black blood to expose a steel point. Steel. He held it up to Garuun and let out
a blood curdling scream. Humans.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Arrows fell. Orcs fled for shelter and weapons.
An arrow struck Garuun in the shoulder. He jerked it out and snapped it between
his fingers, blood trickling down his arm. He shielded Naalah and their child with
his body as they ran.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #0070c0; font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">They made it back to their long tent. Garuun opened
his battle chest, pulled on his leather and fur armor, and picked up his axes. Outside,
he saddled his tiger and placed Naalah in the seat, their child in a sling
across her chest. They locked eyes.</span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">298 words from 503 is a 40.7% reduction, though
there is the slight cheat of omitting the Reach. Other than that, how'd I do?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-21042587444681918952013-09-05T16:20:00.001-04:002013-09-05T16:24:39.338-04:00Boiling a Poet's Prose with Sy Maher<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
week's boiling comes from Sy Maher, a creative writing student who has
published several poems in the horror genre. She submitted the first 527 words of
her novel, <i>Dead Play</i>, for a turn in
the pot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
sword sliced through the air, and Jai danced foot to foot making wide circles
with the blade. The Viking sword, named Ulfberht or at least a copy of the
famed blade, was a steel door, and shut her away from the mundane. Gods she
loved make believe. Thord of the traveling renaissance festival, Thord of the
fake name, was one hell of a smithy, and had made it for her for a dear price. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sunlight
stretched from the window and flashed on the steel sword its light spotted her
shirt, and flashed her eye for a second. Ulfberht was strong, yet so flexible
it would not break under the rages of warfare. She’d made the tale of its
making, a metaphor for her life. Baptized in fire, and hammered free from
impurities, the sword was a marvel for its era. The making of it took
patience--and in time, like it, she would be complete. Face misted of sweat
droplets, she placed Ulfberht back on the wall rack, and flopped down in a tan
leather chair to type. Jai wrote scripts, codes, and designed fantasy combat
games for a living. In this room, she
could let her mind run as wild as a microburst hiding in the Arizona wind.
Never knowing where it would hit, or what it would uproot. Gods she loved such
things.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">On
display in the room: Viking axes, spears, and shields, Japanese tea service,
shodō calligraphy, and a samurai sword passed down by her ancestors. Her
namesake and grandfather presented it to her, the samurai sword, on the day she
received her master’s degree. It hung next to Ulfberht--both swords were her
most prized possessions. Collecting whatever honored her Swedish and Japanese
ancestry made her feel like she belonged to something bigger than her chaotic
beginnings. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Her
eyes fixed to a spot where an ax was mounted. If her dad had been strong, she
liked to think he would have been the one to give her some of these things. A
long time ago, he’d been an archeologist mom told her. He should have been the
one to tell her about the Viking weapons, the meaning of decorated handles, or
the indestructible sword. If mom knew what drove dad to ruin his life, she
never said. If Jai knew, maybe she could
forgive him. What her mom said was that she loved him too much to leave at
first. Then when Jai was fifteen, and her mother found out what dads tanked-up
friends were up to, she knew she had to leave.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A
key clinked and the front door opened, and Jai rose from her chair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“A
little warning, Gods mom. You scared the crap outa me.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Got
some Miso soup from Grandma.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I
was working.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“You
were playing with the swords.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“That
is work.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Just
on my way home and--.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“You
thought you would make me feel guilty about grandma. Not visiting.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“No,
she just wants to know if you are getting any hang ups on the phone. She says
it’s happening again.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Mom
was standing there with the Pyrex container of Miso and Jai was being an ass.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Throughout,
I've deleted commas as I've felt necessary. I've yet to meet two editors who
agree on comma usage, not even Strunk and White vs. the Chicago Manual of
Style, so I tend to go with what feels right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Jai danced, making wide circles with the blade. The Viking sword,
named Ulfberht or at least a copy of the famed blade, was a steel door, and
shut her away from the mundane. Gods she loved make believe. Thord of the
traveling renaissance festival, Thord of the fake name, was one hell of a
smithy, and had made it for her for a dear price. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Any
blade with which one makes wide circles will slice through the air, and all
dancing is foot to foot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
next two clauses are clunky; we never need to state that something is named,
only name it. I'm simile-adverse by nature, but will keep it in deference to
the author... Yet, it can be combined with the next phrase to condense things
down a bit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">If we
kept the next sentence I'd add a comma, but otherwise leave it unchanged.
However, I question its existence at all--if the rest of the chapter doesn't
reveal that she loves make believe, then there's a problem with the rest of the
chapter for which this tell is just a symptom. Between the rest of it and the
previous sentence, I think we can remove it entirely as redundant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
last sentence has some charming and intentional redundancy, but we can keep
that redundancy and still boil things down a bit. That he made the sword,
however, identifies him as a smith without us having to say so. And if the fact
that the ren faire travels isn't important to the narrative, we can boil it
out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"made
it for her" = "custom made it", and we can change a
"for" to "at" to eliminate the echo.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">And now
that we know it's custom-made by Thord of the fake name, we don't need to state
that it's a copy, as that is now obvious.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Jai danced, making wide circles with the Viking blade, Ulfberht
shutting away the mundane like a steel door. Thord of the fake name, Thord of
the renaissance festival, had custom made it for her at a dear price. </span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Sunlight stretched from the window and flashed on the steel</span><span class="MsoCommentReference"><span style="font-size: 8.0pt;"> </span></span><span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">sword
its light spotted her shirt, and flashed her eye for a second. Ulfberht was
strong, yet so flexible it would not break under the rages of warfare. She’d
made the tale of its making, a metaphor for her life. Baptized in fire, and
hammered free from impurities, the sword was a marvel for its era. The making
of it took patience--and in time, like it, she would be complete. Face misted
of sweat droplets, she placed Ulfberht back on the wall rack, and flopped down
in a tan leather chair to type. Jai wrote scripts, codes, and designed fantasy
combat games for a living. In this room,
she could let her mind run as wild as a microburst hiding in the Arizona wind.
Never knowing where it would hit, or what it would uproot. Gods she loved such
things.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">If we
take the information that she's in a room from later in the paragraph, we can
boil out "from the window". "stretched" is clutter, as is
"steel" (because all blades are steel unless in some weird fantasy
land). There's an echo on flashed, so we can change the first to
"reflected". As she's mid-dance, "for a second" is
unneeded, as the situation necessary for the sword to reflect sunlight to her
eye would be transient. I question whether or not, mid-dance, she'd notice the
shirt-spotting especially with the light hitting her eyes. To avoid the POV
glitch, we should remove it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
second sentence is a tell (the "was" being a dead giveaway), and I
don't see much of an opportunity to turn it into a show in this paragraph. It's
boilable as-is, ("so flexible it would not" = "flexible enough
not to"), but we'll revisit it on a final read and see what can be done
with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"She'd
made the tale of its making" can lose the first 2/3, and we can combine it
with the next sentence. "the making of it" can become "the
forging"... And by moving the "like it", we can avoid telling
the reader that it's a metaphor, and just make the metaphor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I don't
know how to read, "Face misted of sweat droplets", and I think we
could make it more active anyway. "back" is clutter, as is
"wall". "down in" = "into"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I think
we need a paragraph break here...but the next line is a tell. It's probably
okay as a tell, but "wrote scripts, codes, and designed" =
"coded"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"she
could let" is clutter if "run" becomes "ran".
"where it hit or what it would uproot", while fine as-is, can convey
the same feeling--which is what's important in metaphor--if we boil out the
first "it would".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Reflected sunlight from the sword flashed in her eye. Ulfberht
was strong, yet flexible enough not to break under the rages of warfare. A
marvel for its era, baptized in fire and hammered free from impurities, the forging
took patience--and like it, in time her life would be complete.</span> <span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Sweat misting
her face, she placed Ulfberht on the rack and flopped onto a tan leather chair
to type.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;"> </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt;">Jai coded fantasy combat games for a living. In this room her mind ran as wild as a microburst
hiding in the Arizona wind, never knowing where or what it would uproot. Gods,
she loved such things.</span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">On display in the room: Viking axes, spears, and shields, Japanese
tea service, shodō calligraphy, and a samurai sword passed down by her
ancestors. Her namesake and grandfather presented it to her, the samurai sword,
on the day she received her master’s degree. It hung next to Ulfberht--both
swords were her most prized possessions. Collecting whatever honored her
Swedish and Japanese ancestry made her feel like she belonged to something
bigger than her chaotic beginnings. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We can
condense a lot by moving the samurai sword--katana--to the next sentence, and
combining that with the one after.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
tell of "were her" can be made more active.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
already know she's a collector from context. "made her feel like she
belonged to" = "tied her to"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">On display in the room: Viking axes, spears, and shields,
Japanese tea service, shodō calligraphy.... Next to Ulfberht hung the ancestral
katana her grandfather had presented her when she'd received her master's
degree. She prized them above all other possessions. Honoring her Swedish and
Japanese ancestry tied her to something bigger than her chaotic beginnings. </span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Her eyes fixed to a spot where an ax was mounted. If her dad had
been strong, she liked to think he would have been the one to give her some of
these things. A long time ago, he’d been an archeologist mom told her. He
should have been the one to tell her about the Viking weapons, the meaning of
decorated handles, or the indestructible sword. If mom knew what drove dad to
ruin his life, she never said. If Jai
knew, maybe she could forgive him. What her mom said was that she loved him too
much to leave at first. Then when Jai was fifteen, and her mother found out
what dads tanked-up friends were up to, she knew she had to leave.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
first sentence is a cumbersome way to say that she looked at an ax on the wall,
and given the descriptions of everything else, I don't know that it adds any
substance to the narrative. So let's boil it out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"she
liked to think" is clutter, because we're in her mind already. "been
the one" is clutter if "give" becomes "given".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"mom
told her" on first blush looks like clutter, but might not be, because it
reveals that Jai didn't know her dad...but later in the paragraph we learn that
her dad left when she was fifteen, and it's next to impossible that she'd reach
that age without knowing that her dad had been an archeologist. "A long
time ago" = "Once".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"been
the one" appears again, and is clutter here, too. "the Viking
weapons" can condense with "decorated handles" to become
"Viking hilt decorations".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"what
drove dad to ruin" = "why he'd
ruined", fixing the tense in the process.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
next sentence needs no boiling, but the one after can lose "What",
and "was that"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"Then"
and "when" can boil out, rendering the sentence more active.
"she knew she had to leave" = "and left him".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">If her dad had been strong, he'd have given her some of these
things. Once an archeologist, he should have told her about the meaning of Viking
hilt decorations, or the indestructible sword. If mom knew why he'd ruined his
life, she never said. If Jai knew, maybe
she could forgive him. Her mom said she loved him too much to leave at first. When
Jai was fifteen, her mother found out what dad's tanked-up friends were up to, and
left him.</span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A key clinked and the front door opened, and Jai rose from her
chair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“A little warning, Gods mom. You scared the crap outa me.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Got some Miso soup from Grandma.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I was working.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“You were playing with the swords.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“That is work.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Just on my way home and--.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“You thought you would make me feel guilty about grandma. Not
visiting.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“No, she just wants to know if you are getting any hang ups on the
phone. She says it’s happening again.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Mom was standing there with the Pyrex container of Miso and Jai was
being an ass.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">No
reason not to boil out the second "and", and as we already know she's
sitting, "rose from her chair" = "stood".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">"outa"
is not a word, and colloquialisms like this should be avoided. Most people will
read it that way anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I tend
not to touch dialogue much, but judicial use of contractions can help keep it
from being too stilted. Thus, "That is work" = "That's
work". The "just" and "any" in the last line can be
boiled out while preserving the accent (enough for this reader,
anyway...dialogue is tricky, and the author might insist they go back in.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
chunk is </span><a href="http://www.sfwa.org/2009/06/turkey-city-lexicon-a-primer-for-sf-workshops/"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Brenda Starr Dialogue</span></a><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">, and could benefit
from some action (setting down the soup, standing awkwardly, whatever works to
break it up a little and add some texture to the conversation). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
last sentence is all tell, no show. The standing there with the Pyrex container
(which we know is full of Miso soup from the dialogue) can be incorporated to
the dialogue, and whether or not Jai is being an ass can be inferred from the
dialogue and actions of the characters--it's not something you can force the
reader to think just by saying so.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A key clinked and the front door opened.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Jai stood. “A little warning, Gods mom. You scared the crap out
of me.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Got some Miso soup from Grandma.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I was working.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“You were playing with the swords.” Her mom stood there with the
Pyrex container.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“That's work.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Just on my way home and--.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“You thought you would make me feel guilty about grandma. Not
visiting.”</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“No, she wants to know if you are getting hang ups on the phone.
She says it’s happening again.”</span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Revisiting
the tell from the second paragraph, we can merge those first two sentences.
(I'm dubious of the claim of unbreakability, but don't know if this piece is
fantasy or not, so left it in.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Jai danced, making wide circles with the Viking blade, Ulfberht
shutting away the mundane like a steel door. Thord of the fake name, Thord of
the renaissance festival, had custom made it for her at a dear price.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Reflected sunlight from the strong, flexible, unbreakable sword
flashed in her eye. A marvel for its era, baptized in fire and hammered free
from impurities, the forging took patience--and like it, in time her life would
be complete. Sweat misting her face, she placed Ulfberht on the rack and
flopped onto a tan leather chair to type.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Jai coded designed fantasy combat games for a living. In this room her mind ran as wild as a microburst
hiding in the Arizona wind, never knowing where or what it would uproot. Gods,
she loved such things.</span><o:p> </o:p> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">On display in the room: Viking axes, spears, and shields,
Japanese tea service, shodō calligraphy.... Next to Ulfberht hung the ancestral
katana her grandfather had presented her when she'd received her master's
degree. She prized them above all other possessions. Honoring her Swedish and
Japanese ancestry tied her to something bigger than her chaotic beginnings.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">If her dad had been strong, he'd have given her some of these
things. Once an archeologist, he should have told her about the meaning of Viking
hilt decorations, or the indestructible sword. If mom knew why he'd ruined his
life, she never said. If Jai knew, maybe
she could forgive him. Her mom said she loved him too much to leave at first. When
Jai was fifteen, her mother found out what dad's tanked-up friends were up to, and
left him.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A key clinked and the front door opened.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Jai stood. “A little warning, Gods mom. You scared the crap out
of me.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Got some Miso soup from Grandma.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“I was working.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“You were playing with the swords.” Her mom stood there with the
Pyrex container.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“That's work.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“Just on my way home and--.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“You thought you would make me feel guilty about grandma. Not
visiting.”</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">“No, she wants to know if you are getting hang ups on the phone.
She says it’s happening again.”</span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">So
that's 356 words from the original 527, a 32% reduction. What do you think?</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-53674902267649306032013-08-27T20:11:00.001-04:002013-08-27T22:21:23.390-04:00Boiling a Zombie Master<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I review a
lot of zombie books, but when I want to just read one for fun because I know
it'll be great, I turn to Joe McKinney. Author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Savage-Dead-Joe-McKinney/dp/0786029307">The
Savage Dead</a> (which you can and should preorder now from Amazon), Dead City,
The Crossing, and lots of other action-packed, suspense-filled thrillers, Joe
was kind enough to provide me with a 490-word piece of nonfiction, <i>In Praise of Spooky Old Buildings</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's a
charming homage to a land that once was, and a sad sigh for the spread of that
blight we call suburbia. The challenge here will be keeping the nostalgic tone
as we boil things down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's both an
honor and intimidating as hell to work with a piece from one of my favorite authors.
Let's see what we can do with it.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Original:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Houston, 1983 - I was thirteen, out trick-or-treating with
my friends. My costume was one of my
Mom’s old slips, upon which I’d written Id, Ego and Superego. You guessed it. I was a Freudian Slip.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The loot gathering was good that year, because I grew up in
a rather affluent suburb. (“Where their
lawns were wide and their minds narrow,” to quote Ernest Hemingway.)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it didn’t seem so terribly oppressive then. In fact, I rather enjoyed those days. My neighborhood was on the edge of what had
once been a vast cotton farm, many thousands of acres wide. By the time I came along, the fields had run
to riot and a dense forest of trees grew where once there had been
furrows. It was a marshland full of deer
and rabbits and wild dogs and wild hogs and even the occasional alligator
sunning itself on the banks of some scummed over little pond. My friends and I spent our summers roaming
that empty landscape, our dogs by our sides, pellet guns gripped by the breach
like we were the Green Berets on patrol on the border of Cambodia. We boys were like gods then, carving empires
of the imagination from the air on a daily basis.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But those fields weren’t entirely empty. There was something else in there with us
besides tall weeds and swamp trees. Just
a few hundred yards in from the fence that was supposed to keep us out, hidden
behind a large copse of trees, was what I guess was an old cotton processing
facility. It was little more than three
large, interconnected metal silos, nearly every inch of which was covered with
graffiti. But in its moldering, rusting
decay I found it resplendent. I was
drawn to it in much the same way as water finds its own level. There was an irresistible gravity around that
abandoned structure that both held me hostage and set my mind free. It was like a flint for my imagination, for
with the smallest of effort I found I could turn those silos into cities, the
loose machine parts scattered around them into a cemetery of dead cars. That lonely collection of silos took me to
dark and apocalyptic places. And I loved
every minute of it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But that Halloween, as we wandered the neighborhood,
collecting our loot, we happened by the new construction that would, within the
coming year, spread our neighborhood with crystalline profusion into the empty
fields we loved so much. Cookie cutter
houses would take the place of my beloved cotton processing silos, and another
empty place on the map would get filled in with names like Spring Forest Lane
and Oak Terrace and Verbena Drive.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But for that night, that magical last night of October 1983,
the palace of my imagination was still intact, sitting like a sentinel at the
outskirts of my own October Country.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
May that land forever live. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red;">Houston, 1983 - I was thirteen, out
trick-or-treating with my friends. My
costume was one of my Mom’s old slips, upon which I’d written Id, Ego and
Superego. You guessed it. I was a Freudian Slip.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">One doesn't
trick-or-treat "in", so we can boil "out". Ditto the
"my" in "my friends." Because he's trick-or-treating, we
don't need to say that it's a costume. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
"I'd" so close to "Id" made my brain stutter a little, so
despite that the phrase is innocuous and might not need it, let's replace
"upon which I'd written" with "scrawled with".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We can
combined the last two sentences, eliminating the "I was".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">Houston,
1983 - I was thirteen, trick-or-treating with friends. I wore one of my Mom’s old slips, scrawled
with Id, Ego and Superego. You guessed
it; a Freudian Slip.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red;">The loot gathering was good that
year, because I grew up in a rather affluent suburb. (“Where their lawns were wide and their minds
narrow,” to quote Ernest Hemingway.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We don't need
to say it was that year, because we've already said it's 1983. We can also
enmesh the two thoughts--the what and the why--into a single, tighter sentence.
In the process, "rather" is clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The quote and
attribution we can almost leave alone--what other Hemingway would we quote?--though
we can dispose of the parenthesis.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">We
gathered tons of loot in that affluent suburb.
“Where their lawns were wide and their minds narrow,” to quote
Hemingway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red;">But it didn’t seem so terribly
oppressive then. In fact, I rather
enjoyed those days. My neighborhood was
on the edge of what had once been a vast cotton farm, many thousands of acres
wide. By the time I came along, the
fields had run to riot and a dense forest of trees grew where once there had
been furrows. It was a marshland full of
deer and rabbits and wild dogs and wild hogs and even the occasional alligator
sunning itself on the banks of some scummed over little pond. My friends and I spent our summers roaming
that empty landscape, our dogs by our sides, pellet guns gripped by the breach
like we were the Green Berets on patrol on the border of Cambodia. We boys were like gods then, carving empires
of the imagination from the air on a daily basis.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">This is a
large paragraph. As usual, we'll address that if necessary after we see what
boils out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I think we
can boil out the "but", because it naturally follows from the
previous sentence...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">...and now a
small tirade on the word "seem". There are few situations where
"seem" should be used--the best example being when the POV character
is guessing as to the thoughts or feelings of another character. Otherwise,
"seem" might as well be "was", because even if it's not
true, from the perspective of the narrator it is. Thus, while "seem"
is not as ubiquitous as "to be" (and all its conjugations, especially
"was"), it stands out like a bright pink whack-a-mole when we're
looking for ways to tighten our prose. The way Stephen King feels about
adverbs? Yeah, that's how I feel about "seem". So anyway...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We can omit
the "terribly", or omit the "oppressive" and use
"terrible".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"In
fact" is clutter, as is "rather".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I'm going to
separate these first two, boiled sentences out for the moment, because on the
final read we're going to merge them with the paragraph above.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">It wasn't
so oppressive then. I rather enjoyed
those days. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Moving on,
"was on the edge of" = "bordered", and "what had once
been a vast" = "a former", and we can cut the "vast"
because it's redundant with the thousands of acres (from which we can boil
"many", because "thousands" is already plural.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"By the
time I came along" is clutter, because we're talking about 1983, when the
author was thirteen--we don't need to establish the time again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Forest
of trees" = "forest"; we'd only need to specify if we wanted to
identify a type of trees, or if we were being allegorical ("forest of
telephone poles", for example)... Otherwise, forests are "of
trees" by definition. "grew where once there had been furrows" =
"had overgrown old furrows".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">...but this
clashes with the next paragraph, where the landscape is referred to as
"those fields". I think, then, that we need to eliminate (as opposed
to boil out) the word "dense"--though this is a guess on my part, and
were this a real editing job I'd of course discuss it with the author first.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The next
line's a doozy, because it rambles on purpose, but I can't help but look at
that "It was" and think that there's a better way to say it. The
solution is to take this already run-on sentence and combine it with the one
before it. Other than that, "scummed over" needs a hyphen, and while
we could dispose of "little" in "little pond", there is a
minor loss of content there, and that'd be breaking the rules of my own blog.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"My
friends and I" = "We", and I think "our summers" needs
to go, both because it can be boiled out and because it wasn't just summers, as
evidenced by the Halloween references throughout. I'm inclined to boil out the
"our" before "our dogs", but am afraid that this might
clash with the wild dogs from the previous sentence, so we'll leave it in.
"like we were the" can lose everything but the "like",
though, "on patrol on" = "patrolling", and "border of
Cambodia" = "Cambodian border".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">On a side
note, mentioning the Cambodian border here is an excellent way to re-anchor us
in the mindset of a thirteen-year-old in 1983; it carries with it all the
baggage of
too-young-to-have-experienced-Vietnam-but-old-enough-to-carry-it-with-us that
"the jungle" wouldn't have. It's small but significant choices like
this that make extraordinary writing look easy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"We boys"
can lose the "boys", and "like gods" can lose the
"like", and we can boil out "then". As empires can only be
carved from the air in the imagination, we can boil out "of the
imagination", and given the general precociousness of boys given a place
to play, we can boil out "on a daily basis".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Looking at
the final product, we can combine the last two sentences and make them more
active still.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">My
neighborhood bordered a former cotton farm, thousands of acres wide. The fields had run to riot, old furrows
overgrown by a marshy forest full of deer and rabbits and wild dogs and wild
hogs and even the occasional alligator sunning itself on the banks of some
scummed-over little pond. Our dogs by
our sides, pellet guns gripped by the breach like Green Berets patrolling the
Cambodian border, we roamed that empty landscape as gods, carving empires from
the air.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red;">But those fields weren’t entirely
empty. There was something else in there
with us besides tall weeds and swamp trees.
Just a few hundred yards in from the fence that was supposed to keep us
out, hidden behind a large copse of trees, was what I guess was an old cotton
processing facility. It was little more
than three large, interconnected metal silos, nearly every inch of which was
covered with graffiti. But in its
moldering, rusting decay I found it resplendent. I was drawn to it in much the same way as
water finds its own level. There was an
irresistible gravity around that abandoned structure that both held me hostage
and set my mind free. It was like a
flint for my imagination, for with the smallest of effort I found I could turn
those silos into cities, the loose machine parts scattered around them into a
cemetery of dead cars. That lonely
collection of silos took me to dark and apocalyptic places. And I loved every minute of it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The first
sentence can be eliminated entirely--we already know that the fields were full
of trees and dogs and hogs and the occasional alligator.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"There
was something else in there" = "Something [verbed] there". I'm going
to go with "brooded", because it seems appropriate to me given the
apocalyptic atmosphere Joe's imagination gave the building. It also allows us
to boil out "with us".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Just"
is clutter, as is "in", and "that was supposed" =
"erected". In "was what I guess was", we've got too many
"was"es, so let's replace the first with a verb... I'll go with
"lurked". On that same note, let's change "old" to
"abandoned", which conveys the same information, plus a little more--and
allows us to boil out the "abandoned" that comes next, too. We can
boil out "what I guess was" because whether or not the author is
ultimately right on that score isn't relevant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We can boil
out "it was", and as delicious as it is that one of Joe's phrases
fails the "by zombies" test for passive voice, we can tighten up the
latter clause by making it active. And while I'm certain that every inch was
not literally covered in graffiti, the figurative nature of the phrase is
sufficiently strong that we can lose the "nearly" with no fear of misunderstanding.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We can
combine the next sentences' two parts into one single idea, and this makes a
great transition into the next paragraph... (I'm going to insert a paragraph
break here because (a) this one's pretty long, and (b) the physical presence of
the building and the author's impressions thereof are sufficiently different to
justify their own paragraphs.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">But
something brooded there besides tall weeds and swamp trees. A few hundred yards from the fence erected to
keep us out, hidden behind a large copse of trees, lurked an abandoned cotton
processing facility. Little more than
three large, interconnected metal silos, graffiti covered every inch. But I found its moldering, rusting decay resplendent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We can
combine the gravity analogy in the next two sentences, and split off the dual
hostage/freedom into its own sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"It was
like" is clutter, as is "of", "for", "I
found", and even "could" (if "turn" gains an
"ed"). "Loose" can go, because if they weren't loose, they
wouldn't be parts and couldn't be scattered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"That
lonely collection of silos" = "Those lonely silos"...and yes, I
like this adverb and think it should stay, King be damned!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The last
sentence of this paragraph is exactly the right cliche for the moment, but I
like it a bit better when merged with the previous sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">The
irresistible gravity around that structure drew me to it much as water finds
its own level. It held me hostage and set my mind free. A flint for my
imagination, with the smallest effort I turned those silos into cities, the
machine parts scattered around them into a cemetery of dead cars. Those lonely silos took me to dark and
apocalyptic places, and I loved every minute of it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red;">But that Halloween, as we wandered
the neighborhood, collecting our loot, we happened by the new construction that
would, within the coming year, spread our neighborhood with crystalline
profusion into the empty fields we loved so much. Cookie cutter houses would take the place of
my beloved cotton processing silos, and another empty place on the map would
get filled in with names like Spring Forest Lane and Oak Terrace and Verbena
Drive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Loot
collection brings us back to "that Halloween" without having to state
it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Within
the coming year" can be boiled out. If the construction wasn't imminent,
you'd not have stumbled across it at that time, so despite its seeming (gah!)
immediacy that the phrase adds, we can remove it and lose nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">As an
editorial comment, instead of eliminating (not boiling) the "empty"
here as we did above, I think it's more powerful if we instead emphasize it
with quotes; bereft of houses, those fields were chock full of childhoody
goodness that the expanding suburb would bleed out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"would
take the place of" = "would overtake", and we know that the
silos were for cotton processing, and that they were beloved--calling them
"my" in this case emphasizes the ownership and emotional investment
to the point that calling them "beloved" here might actually
overpower the subtle poignancy of the comment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"get
filled in" = "filling" (which we can use to replace the
"and"), and we don't need to call out the fact that the street names
are names, as long as it doesn't matter if the names are exactly accurate for
the area (a detail I don't know, and I'm not sure if Joe found important.
Again, a place to talk to the author). However, I think the relentless march of
suburbia can be reflected even better by pluralizing them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">But as
we wandered the neighborhood collecting our loot, we happened by the new
construction that would spread our neighborhood with crystalline profusion into
the "empty" fields we loved so much.
Cookie cutter houses would overtake my silos, filling another empty
place on the map with Spring Forest Lanes and Oak Terraces and Verbena Drives.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red;">But for that night, that magical
last night of October 1983, the palace of my imagination was still intact,
sitting like a sentinel at the outskirts of my own October Country.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red;">May that land forever live. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"But
for" read to me as "Except for" on my first read, and again when
I moved into condensation mode. For that reason I'm going to change
"for" to "on".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I don't think
that the redundancy on "that night" gains us anything, so let's boil
it out. For that matter, because we eliminated the "Halloween" in the
previous paragraph, we can replace "last night of October 1983" with
"Halloween". <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"was
still intact" = "stood intact", and as sentinels generally
stand, let's boil out the "sitting like". <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I love the
Bradbury reference, and those who don't get it can look it up and find
something else wonderful to read!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">But on
that magical Halloween, the palace of my imagination stood intact, a sentinel
at the outskirts of my own October Country.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">May
that land forever live. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Result:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">As I
mentioned above, I'm going to combine those two lines I pulled out of the first
large paragraph into the preceding paragraph. That leaves us with:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">Houston,
1983 - I was thirteen, trick-or-treating with friends. I wore one of my Mom’s old slips, scrawled
with Id, Ego and Superego. You guessed
it; a Freudian Slip.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">We
gathered tons of loot in that affluent suburb, “[w]here their lawns were wide
and their minds narrow.” The oppression in Hemingway's quote notwithstanding, I
rather enjoyed those days.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">My
neighborhood bordered a former cotton farm, thousands of acres wide. The fields had run to riot, old furrows
overgrown by a marshy forest full of deer and rabbits and wild dogs and wild
hogs and even the occasional alligator sunning itself on the banks of some
scummed-over little pond. Our dogs by
our sides, pellet guns gripped by the breach like Green Berets patrolling the
Cambodian border, we roamed that empty landscape as gods, carving empires from
the air.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">But
something brooded there besides tall weeds and swamp trees. A few hundred yards from the fence erected to
keep us out, hidden behind a large copse of trees, lurked an abandoned cotton
processing facility. Little more than
three large, interconnected metal silos, graffiti covered every inch. But I found its moldering, rusting decay resplendent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">The
irresistible gravity around that structure drew me to it much as water finds
its own level. It held me hostage and set my mind free. A flint for my
imagination, with the smallest effort I turned those silos into cities, the
machine parts scattered around them into a cemetery of dead cars. Those lonely silos took me to dark and
apocalyptic places, and I loved every minute of it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">But as
we wandered the neighborhood collecting our loot, we happened by the new
construction that would spread our neighborhood with crystalline profusion into
the "empty" fields we loved so much.
Cookie cutter houses would overtake my silos, filling another empty
place on the map with Spring Forest Lanes and Oak Terraces and Verbena Drives.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">But on
that magical Halloween, the palace of my imagination stood intact, a sentinel
at the outskirts of my own October Country.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">May
that land forever live. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">So the final
tally is 345 words down from 490, a 30% reduction. I believe I succeeded in
preserving the mingled melancholy and nostalgia. What do you think?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-84096865314203997212013-08-20T21:36:00.000-04:002013-08-20T21:39:41.358-04:00Boiling a Policeman with Jake Elliot<div align="left" class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">This week
we're going to boil the first 492 words of Jake Elliot's WIP, <i>Joy-Ride</i>. Jake is the author of <i>Crossing Mother's Grave</i> and <i>The Wrong Way Down</i>, as well as a variety
of shorter fiction. You can find him at </span><a href="http://jakeelliotfiction.com/"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">http://jakeelliotfiction.com/</span></a><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">, Amazon, Barnes & Noble,
Goodreads, and just about anywhere else books are sold.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The
Original:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
Officer
Mike Tampinaro read the sign over the door, ‘<i>Sheinker and Goldmann, Attorneys at Law</i>.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
It was
an old office building in a neighborhood where the rent was cheap. These two
attorneys could have afforded one of those high-rise office buildings at the
center of town thanks to the money cow they’d been milking for over a decade.
The building’s exterior would never spill the story of how much milk the
money-cow had been giving, but with the money these two lawyers spent on late-night
commercials, it had to be a small fortune. From the outside it looked more like
an inner-city bail-bonds office––and in many ways––this wasn’t too far from the
truth.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
Officer
Mike Tampinaro was the Metro Officer sent to handle a routine disturbance of
the peace. It was the typical call about music being played too loud, but
oddly, the complaint was made against the nursery next to the lawyers’ office.
According to the dispatcher, it was Gene Goldmann who’d called in the
complaint.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
Thomas––the
dispatcher––had confided, “<i>You know, that
guy on the commercials, promising to get people out of their DUIs</i>?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
Yeah, that
guy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
Officer
Mike had pulled into the nursery’s parking lot next to the law office. Stepping
out of the police cruiser, he stood tall. Looking sharp in his dark blues, his
badge caught the sun’s light and sparkled. Taking off his sunglasses as if they
were what prevented him from hearing the rock-concert that supposedly shook the
foundation of this legal office, the dark lenses removed from over his eyes didn’t
change a thing. Not one note of music could be heard playing anywhere. From a
half-mile away, he could hear traffic on the interstate. Creepy was the lack of
noise.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
His
eyes were greeted by a myriad of flowering plants set outside the nursery’s
fence, strategically arranged to entice onlookers to beautify their own
habitats. The garden center was open, but vacant of people. Empty. Almost a
ghost town, but equally absent of ghosts as it was void of loud music.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
Mike
may have explored that oddity next if the front window of the law-office hadn’t
exploded outward in a cascade of shattering glass. Through the falling glass
flew angry bullets sent from a crackling gun. Bullet number one zinged through
the air close enough to Mike’s head to be heard. In an attempt to dodge
bullets, Mike leapt across the hood of his patrol car as slug number two
punched a hole through the windshield, spider-webbing safety glass and clouding
the view of his dash-mounted camera.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">
Ducking
behind the tire of his police cruiser, Mike heard the metallic tearing-sound as
another bullet pelted into the cruiser’s hood eight-inches away from where his
head was ducked. The gun’s rapport followed a fraction later, loudly announcing
its caliber. Mike knew it was a .38 by the distinct high crack. His trained ear
noticed the difference from its stronger cousin the 9mm.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The first thing I'm going to do is
move the sixth paragraph up to the first, so the story starts with action. This
also allows us to boil out some of the "it was"-type mechanical
verbage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Officer Mike had
pulled into the nursery’s parking lot next to the law office. Stepping out of
the police cruiser, he stood tall. Looking sharp in his dark blues, his badge
caught the sun’s light and sparkled. Taking off his sunglasses as if they were
what prevented him from hearing the rock-concert that supposedly shook the
foundation of this legal office, the dark lenses removed from over his eyes
didn’t change a thing. Not one note of music could be heard playing anywhere.
From a half-mile away, he could hear traffic on the interstate. Creepy was the
lack of noise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">First, we need to use his full name to
account for the move. We'll make up for the addition by boiling down future
names.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I got confused later, because I didn't
realize that the nursery and the garden center were the same place. Maybe
that's a regional difference, but I processed them as two businesses--one with
plants, one with babies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The fact that he's tall can wait until
a later time in the story--it's not important to the unfolding scene, so I'd
boil it out for now and bring it up later when it matters.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">"caught the sun's light and
sparkled" = "sparkling in the sun".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The sentence about the sunglasses is a
run-on, and it's a little confusing. I boiled it down and bumped it forward one
sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The traffic line can boil down by describing
it, instead of just saying that he heard it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The last line is phrased in a rather
Yoda-like way. (Well, almost. He'd say, "Creepy, the lack of noise
was.") A more straightforward wording would be, "The lack of noise
was creepy", but I'd be inclined to turn it into more of a show than a
tell. It's longer rather than shorter, but in this case I'd say it's worth the
loss of word economy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Officer Mike Tampinaro
pulled into the garden center's parking lot next to the law office. He stepped
out of the police cruiser in his dark blues, his badge sparkling in the sun. He
heard no music at all, much less the reported rock concert. He removed his
sunglasses. Traffic roared on the interstate a half-mile away. Hair rose on the
back of his neck at the lack of noise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Officer Mike Tampinaro
read the sign over the door, ‘<i>Sheinker
and Goldmann, Attorneys at Law</i>.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We don't have to say that he read it
in his POV. The fact that he knows what it says means that he read it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The sign over the
door said, ‘<i>Sheinker and Goldmann,
Attorneys at Law</i>.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">It was an old office
building in a neighborhood where the rent was cheap. These two attorneys could
have afforded one of those high-rise office buildings at the center of town
thanks to the money cow they’d been milking for over a decade. The building’s
exterior would never spill the story of how much milk the money-cow had been
giving, but with the money these two lawyers spent on late-night commercials,
it had to be a small fortune. From the outside it looked more like an
inner-city bail-bonds office––and in many ways––this wasn’t too far from the
truth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Conjugations of "to be" are
good indicators that not only can some words get boiled out, but that the
description can be made more engaging. Instead of "being in" the neighborhood,
it can sit, or squat, or brood--depending on the atmosphere we want to project.
The "the" before rent is clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The next sentence has a lot of little
boilings. "These two" = "the", "could have
afforded" = "could afford", "one of those" = "a",
"office buildings" can be cut (and it's an echo from the first
sentence anyway), "at the center of town" = "downtown" or
"midtown", and "been milking" = "milked". I'm not
a fan of emphasizing approximations... "for over a decade" can just
as well be "for a decade", and nobody will assume that you mean
exactly 10.00 years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">"The building's exterior" =
"the exterior", or if you prefer, "the facade". <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">"the story of" is clutter,
so is the "been" before "giving" if we change it to
"given".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">"these two lawyers" =
"they"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">"From the outside" is
clutter. The "and in many ways" can join with the "this" to
become "which". Let's boil out the "too" while we're at it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The old office
building squatted in a neighborhood where rent was cheap. The attorneys could afford
a midtown high-rise thanks to the money cow they’d milked for a decade. The facade
would never spill how much milk that cow had produced, but with the money they
spent on late-night commercials, it had to be a small fortune. It looked more
like an inner-city bail-bonds office, which wasn’t far from the truth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Officer Mike Tampinaro
was the Metro Officer sent to handle a routine disturbance of the peace. It was
the typical call about music being played too loud, but oddly, the complaint
was made against the nursery next to the lawyers’ office. According to the
dispatcher, it was Gene Goldmann who’d called in the complaint.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">It's obvious from context that he was
sent there, so I don't think we have to say it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I also think we can combine the
information in the final two sentences and boil them down to their absolute
essentials. "Music being played too loud" = "loud music".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Nothing sounded
like a routine disturbance of the peace, though dispatch reported that Gene
Goldmann had called to complain about loud music from the store next door.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Thomas––the
dispatcher––had confided, “<i>You know, that
guy on the commercials, promising to get people out of their DUIs</i>?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Yeah, that guy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I have no words to boil here, so let's
move on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">His eyes were greeted
by a myriad of flowering plants set outside the nursery’s fence, strategically
arranged to entice onlookers to beautify their own habitats. The garden center
was open, but vacant of people. Empty. Almost a ghost town, but equally absent
of ghosts as it was void of loud music.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">"His eyes were greeted by"
is just a, ahem, flowery way to say "he saw", and as the rest of this
isn't poetry, I think we can cut it back. Better, let's boil it out altogether,
because we're in his POV and thus can dispense with the sensory verb.
"Flowering plants" are "flowers" (especially in an American
male POV). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We can remove
"strategically", because arrangement is deliberate by nature, but I
think we can do away with "arranged" as well--it's a store, so of
course they're not just there willy-nilly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">"of people" is clutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">"Almost" can go, as can
"equally". <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">"absent" and
"void" can be merged.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">A myriad of flowers
sat outside the garden center's fence to entice onlookers to beautify their own
habitats. The neon sign read 'Open', but the store stood vacant. Empty. A ghost
town as devoid of ghosts as it was loud music.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Mike may have explored
that oddity next if the front window of the law-office hadn’t exploded outward
in a cascade of shattering glass. Through the falling glass flew angry bullets
sent from a crackling gun. Bullet number one zinged through the air close
enough to Mike’s head to be heard. In an attempt to dodge bullets, Mike leapt
across the hood of his patrol car as slug number two punched a hole through the
windshield, spider-webbing safety glass and clouding the view of his
dash-mounted camera.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Ducking behind the
tire of his police cruiser, Mike heard the metallic tearing-sound as another
bullet pelted into the cruiser’s hood eight-inches away from where his head was
ducked. The gun’s rapport followed a fraction later, loudly announcing its caliber.
Mike knew it was a .38 by the distinct high crack. His trained ear noticed the
difference from its stronger cousin the 9mm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I decided to take these two paragraphs
together, because by rearranging some of the information we can boil things
down a bit better, and combine them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I wouldn't take the time to explain
what might have happened, especially as prelude to something as abrupt as this.
It's abrupt, so the words should be abrupt as well. I've changed
"exploded" to "burst" because my initial thought was an
actual explosion, and I had to revise my mental image on the fly.
"Shattering glass" should be "shattered glass", as we
humans can't experience it fast enough to see it shatter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We can move the information about the
.38 up, to replace the awkward sentence about angry bullets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">There's no way in his POV he'd be
numbering or naming the bullets, and zinging through the ear close enough to be
heard is the same as zinging by.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">It's obvious that he's trying to
dodge, so we can boil that out. Punching through leaves a hole, so we can boil
out "a hole".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">...and while spider-webbed safety
glass may very well cloud the view of his dash-mounted camera, that's not
something he's going to stop to notice (if he could even see it) while diving
across the hood.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We know he's behind the police
cruiser, so "tire" will suffice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">"a metallic tearing-sound"
is a "shrieking impact", and "eight inches away from where his
head was ducked" is "eight inches from his head"...but he's not
going to whip out a tape measure and check, so while before I nitpicked about
approximations, here I'm going to nitpick about specificity--in both cases,
close enough is close enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The last three sentences I'm going to
boil out altogether, for three reasons: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">One, a .38 revolver will typically
fire in the subsonic range, somewhere between 700 and 1100 fps, so the report
wouldn't arrive second,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Two, it's going to be traveling
somewhere awfully close to the speed of sound, and at the distance from
storefront to curb (where I presume a policeman would have parked), the
difference in travel time will probably not be noticeable, and<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Three, we take care of the trained ear
information by the simple fact that Mike recognized the report for what it
was--most people wouldn't be able to do that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The front window
of the law-office burst outward in a cascade of shattered glass and the
distinct, high-pitched reports of a .38. A bullet zinged by his head. He leapt
across the hood of his patrol car as another slug punched through the
windshield. He ducked behind the tire as a shrieking impact pelted the
cruiser’s hood a foot from his head. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The
Result:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The boiling done, on a re-read I think
we can rearrange things a bit more. Without boiling out anything else, I
shimmied some sentences from the now-first paragraph to the third.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Officer Mike Tampinaro
pulled into the garden center's parking lot next to the law office. He stepped
out of the police cruiser in his dark blues, his badge sparkling in the sun. He
heard no music at all, much less the reported rock concert. He removed his
sunglasses.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The sign over the
door said, ‘<i>Sheinker and Goldmann,
Attorneys at Law</i>.’</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Nothing sounded
like a routine disturbance of the peace, though dispatch reported that Gene
Goldmann had called to complain about loud music from the store next door. Traffic
roared on the interstate a half-mile away. Hair rose on the back of his neck at
the lack of noise.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Thomas––the
dispatcher––had confided, “<i>You know, that
guy on the commercials, promising to get people out of their DUIs</i>?”</span><br /><span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Yeah, that guy.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The old office
building squatted in a neighborhood where rent was cheap. The attorneys could afford
a midtown high-rise thanks to the money cow they’d milked for a decade. The facade
would never spill how much milk that cow had produced, but with the money they
spent on late-night commercials, it had to be a small fortune. It looked more
like an inner-city bail-bonds office, which wasn’t far from the truth.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">A myriad of flowers
sat outside the garden center's fence to entice onlookers to beautify their own
habitats. The neon sign read 'Open', but the store stood vacant. Empty. A ghost
town as devoid of ghosts as it was loud music.</span> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The front window
of the law-office burst outward in a cascade of shattered glass and the
distinct, high-pitched reports of a .38. A bullet zinged by his head. He leapt
across the hood of his patrol car as another slug punched through the
windshield. He ducked behind the tire as a shrieking impact pelted the
cruiser’s hood a foot from his head.</span></blockquote>
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">So there you have it, 305 words down
from 492, a 38% reduction. I admit I did cheat just a little by omitting the
bit about standing tall, but in the end I think it was the right call. Do you
agree?</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8403982617500924498.post-77689312662615666072013-08-14T09:00:00.000-04:002013-08-14T09:30:18.977-04:00Boiling into space<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Today's entry is the first
515 words of <i>Galaxy Class Hero</i> by
Dranea Lyn. It's a rough draft, so it's ripe for a good boiling. A sci-fi
thriller, this should be great fun to boil down. Let's see what we can do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">The
original:</span><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“O2 LEVELS DANGEROUSLY LOW.
O2 LEVELS DANGEROUSLY LOW.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The robotic female voice droned over the speakers through
the entire ship. In every room of the small,
transport ship the warning was belted out, but there were only two sets of ears
that heard it. At least <i>now</i> there
were only two sets. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How the hell could this happen?” A naked, shivering figure
stood motionless and watched as one burning blaze after another lit the screen
in front of her. Suddenly, the brightness
on the screen was overbearing and she had to turn her face away. The reverberations from the explosions
reached her bare feet. The cargo hold
was at the back of the ship. She was
surprised the whole ship had not broken apart.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Boz, trying to run to the monitor and pull his pants on at
the same time was having difficulties.
He finally gave up this pursuit, dropped Zoe’s clothes at his feet and
stared open mouthed at the view. The emergency
hatches had opened - flames were extinguished as all of the oxygen in the room
was sucked out as were many of the supplies not securely bolted to the walls or
the floor. The real horror was watching
the blackened faces of his friends silently scream on screen. They tried to keep purchase on the wooden
crates or metal hibernation chambers in the cargo hold, but one by one, their
grips failed and their bodies were lost to the infinite boundaries of space.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The <i>Mors</i>, a
scientific supply ship, was on its way to a new planet. The crew aboard were newly qualified scientists
ready for their first expedition to a budding planet. Their predecessors had already set up shop on
the surface and were eagerly awaiting this team of helpers and the supplies
that would accompany them. The six
months of waiting seemed an eternity to Boz and Zoe; they had dreamed of this
trip for what seemed their entire lives. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They had grown up together, played together, shared science
experiments together, and finally studied for interplanetary research
together. They were closer than
friends. The excitement of the trip
stirred feelings in them they both had shared but were always afraid of
admitting. This morning they decided to
take a next step in their relationship.
Late in the evening, the crew was required to take detailed notes on the
inventory being shipped to the planet’s surface. The entire crew should have
been there, but the two shirked their duties for their short, personal
vacation. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As the ship needed no captain to run or pilot the craft, the
bridge of the ship was always empty. This
is where Zoe and Boz planned their first rendezvous. As unromantic as the environment was, they
were guaranteed not to be interrupted, and they would be able to see anyone
coming from all of the monitors watching over everything on the ship. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Zoe…Zoe!” It took
Boz a second to catch her attention.
Handing her clothes to her, she dressed in complete silence, not once
lifting her eyes from the floor. She was
going into shock.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The
Condensation:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">An
initial note is that this is in an omniscient POV. While considered a
"no-no" in most fiction circles today, it can work well and I have no
intention of addressing whether or not we should change that here--it does have
bearing on our boiling, though, because we have to keep straight who is
thinking, feeling, or experiencing what...which requires more words in general
than a single POV would.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red;">“O2 LEVELS DANGEROUSLY LOW. O2 LEVELS DANGEROUSLY LOW.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: red;">The robotic
female voice droned over the speakers through the entire ship. In every room of the small, transport ship
the warning was belted out, but there were only two sets of ears that heard it.
At least <i>now</i> there were only two
sets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We
can assume that a voice droning through a ship is doing so via speakers, and
that "the ship" is "the entire ship".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
second sentence contains only two salient pieces of information: that it's a
small transport ship, and that two people heard it. The first piece we can
incorporate into the first sentence, and the second is more powerful if we let
it stand on its own. As an aside, "was belted out" fails the "by
zombies" test.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
shock of the third sentence can be combined with the second, and "sets of
ears" are people.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">“O2 LEVELS DANGEROUSLY LOW. O2 LEVELS DANGEROUSLY LOW.”<br /> </span><o:p> </o:p><span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0in;">The robotic female voice droned through the small transport
ship.</span><span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0in;"> </span><span style="color: #0070c0; text-indent: 0in;">Now, only two people heard it.</span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: red;">“How the
hell could this happen?” A naked, shivering figure stood motionless and watched
as one burning blaze after another lit the screen in front of her. Suddenly, the brightness on the screen was
overbearing and she had to turn her face away.
The reverberations from the explosions reached her bare feet. The cargo hold was at the back of the ship. She was surprised the whole ship had not
broken apart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
dialogue is fine--I rarely have any suggestions for boiling it down. A naked,
female = who? Zoe? Assuming the narrator knows this, we should just come out
and say it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
next two sentences, though, can be combined. "one burning blaze after
another" = "blaze after blaze". "The screen in front of
her" can be "the screen", because if it wasn't in front of her
she wouldn't be looking at it... That she stood motionless is implied if she's
watching a screen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I'm
adverse to adverbs, but to "suddenly" in particular. In the context
of a fiction novel where action is outlaid, it by and large adds nothing to the
narrative. This clause can be combined with the previous sentence, and the
passive "was overbearing" can be condensed with the brightness to
yield a more active sentence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
next sentence is fine, but "The cargo hold was at the back of the
ship" is entirely passive, so let's combine the two. I don't think at this
point the location of the cargo hold is important, given that the ship is in
the process of blowing up, and by boiling that out we avoid the echo on
"ship". Indeed, a paragraph down we learn it's the cargo hold, so we
can cut it here but keep it there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
last sentence is a tell, but probably okay. Even so, "had not" =
"hadn't", and "She was surprised" can be made more active
with the addition of one word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">“How the hell could this happen?” Zoe's naked, shivering
figure turned her face away as blaze after blaze overwhelmed the screen. The reverberations from the explosions reached
her bare feet. It surprised her that the whole ship hadn't broken apart.</span><span style="color: red;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red;">Boz, trying to run to the monitor
and pull his pants on at the same time was having difficulties. He finally gave up this pursuit, dropped
Zoe’s clothes at his feet and stared open mouthed at the view. The emergency hatches had opened - flames
were extinguished as all of the oxygen in the room was sucked out as were many
of the supplies not securely bolted to the walls or the floor. The real horror was watching the blackened
faces of his friends silently scream on screen.
They tried to keep purchase on the wooden crates or metal hibernation
chambers in the cargo hold, but one by one, their grips failed and their bodies
were lost to the infinite boundaries of space.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
structures "was [verb]ing" can almost always be condensed.
"Trying to" is almost always clutter, but in this case he meets in
failure, so it's okay. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">In
the second sentence, it's not clear which pursuit he gave up--the pants,
running to the monitor, or both.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Finally
can go--it's just clutter, and the action hasn't been happening long enough to
justify it anyway. When things are dropped, they're generally at one's feet, so
this can boil out. To stare open-mouthed is to gape. Also, I get the impression
that he's trying to put on Zoe's pants, because he gives up, then drops her
clothes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
next sentence can be boiled with some rearrangement. The action is that
everything is venting into space, so let's put that front-and-center.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">We
don't need to tell the reader that it's horrible to watch friends die.
"Silently", while an evil adverb, is appropriate here (as screams are
not, as a rule, silent!) I don't understand the use of the word
"blackened" here. Decompression takes a while and doesn't cause
blackening, so I can only assume that they're charred--this is another case
where I'd discuss this with the author were this a "real" edit and
not a blog post. We already know it's "on screen", so we can boil
that out, and now the sentence is short enough to combine with the next one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"tried
to keep purchase" = "clung to"; and now we've got a run-on
sentence that I created...but that's okay, because the last part of the final
sentence of this paragraph has more impact on its own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"their
bodies were lost"...by zombies. "Lost to the infinite boundaries of
space" is a beautiful turn of phrase that could be boiled out entirely,
but it's better left in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">Boz stumbled to the monitor as he tried to slide a foot
into his pants. He gave up, dropped
Zoe’s clothes and gaped at the view. Supplies
tumbled into space as emergency hatches vented oxygen to smother the flames. His
friends' charred faces screamed silently as they clung to wooden crates or metal
hibernation chambers in the cargo hold. One by one their grips failed and they
joined the debris, lost to the infinite boundaries of space.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red;">The <i>Mors</i>, a scientific supply ship, was on its way to a new
planet. The crew aboard were newly
qualified scientists ready for their first expedition to a budding planet. Their predecessors had already set up shop on
the surface and were eagerly awaiting this team of helpers and the supplies
that would accompany them. The six
months of waiting seemed an eternity to Boz and Zoe; they had dreamed of this
trip for what seemed their entire lives. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">I
think we need a sentence or two here to indicate that the immediate danger to
Boz and Zoe is over. Otherwise, we've stopped in the middle of the action for
an info-dump.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
information in the first sentence can be condensed and made more active;
instead of saying that it's a supply ship and that it's going to a new planet,
we can say that it's bringing supplies to a new planet! (I'd give the planet a
name at this juncture. I'm sure it has one.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
second sentence doesn't move, it's just information. Let's change it so that
the crew is doing something. We have a variety of adjectives that are
synonymous with "newly qualified"--greenhorn, tenderfoot, freshman, neophyte--that
allow us to boil out the adverb.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Already"
is clutter. So is "shop". We also already know that they're helpers
and that they're bringing supplies. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Waiting
is too close to awaiting in the previous sentence, so let's make it "transit".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">You've
got an echo on "seemed", which is often clutter anyway, so "for
what seemed their entire lives" = "all their lives".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">The fire detection system blinked green. The emergency
hatches closed. The claxon alarm cut off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">The <i>Mors</i> was
bringing scientific supplies to [name], with a crew of greenhorn scientists
ready for their first expedition to a budding planet, where the surface team awaited
their arrival. The six months of transit
seemed an eternity to Boz and Zoe; they had dreamed of this trip all their lives.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red;">They had grown up together, played
together, shared science experiments together, and finally studied for
interplanetary research together. They
were closer than friends. The excitement
of the trip stirred feelings in them they both had shared but were always
afraid of admitting. This morning they
decided to take a next step in their relationship. Late in the evening, the crew was required to
take detailed notes on the inventory being shipped to the planet’s surface. The
entire crew should have been there, but the two shirked their duties for their
short, personal vacation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Judicious
use of adverbs can help keep prose from becoming stilted, so let's change this
"They had" to "They'd" (even though we left the previous
one alone). "shared science experiments together" = "shared
experiments", because shared means together, and experiments are science! There
are lots of echoes on "together" here, and this change also reduces
it to the magical number of three--just enough! Again we can kill the
"finally".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"They
were closer than friends" is redundant with the rest of the paragraph, so
we can boil it out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Feelings
are "in them", so boil that. "they both had shared" =
"they shared", because it takes two (or more) to share. Always is
clutter and can be boiled out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
sentence beginning "this morning" is clutter, unless the timing of
their decision to sleep together is important to the plot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
final two sentences can be consolidated into one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">They'd grown up together, played together, shared experiments,
and studied for interplanetary research together. The excitement of the trip stirred feelings they
shared but were afraid of admitting. That
evening they'd shirked inventory duties with the rest of the crew for a short,
personal vacation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red;">As the ship needed no captain to run
or pilot the craft, the bridge of the ship was always empty. This is where Zoe and Boz planned their first
rendezvous. As unromantic as the environment
was, they were guaranteed not to be interrupted, and they would be able to see
anyone coming from all of the monitors watching over everything on the
ship. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
first piece of information can be condensed to "On autopilot". "of
the ship" is obvious, so can be boiled away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
second sentence is redundant with the information we already have, and can be
boiled out in its entirety.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"As
unromantic as the environment was" = "unromantic, at least"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"not
to be interrupted" = "no interruptions"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"would
be able to" = "could"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
last phrase is redundant with what we already know, because they're watching
the entire ship on the monitors.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">On autopilot, the bridge was always empty. Unromantic, at least it guaranteed no
interruptions, and they could see anyone coming on the monitors. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: red;"> “Zoe…Zoe!”
It took Boz a second to catch her attention. Handing her clothes to her, she dressed in
complete silence, not once lifting her eyes from the floor. She was going into shock.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
first non-dialogue sentence here is a tell, partly redundant with the repeated "Zoe!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">The
second sentence reads like she handed the clothes to herself. We've got the
added issue that he'd dropped them on the floor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">"Complete"
is clutter when accompanying "silence".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Her
shock is evident from her actions, so we don't have to tell what we've already
shown. If the shock gets worse, we can make that apparent in the next
paragraph.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">“Zoe…Zoe!” She
turned a little. He picked up her
clothes and held them out. She dressed in silence, not once lifting her eyes
from the floor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The
Result:<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">“O2 LEVELS DANGEROUSLY LOW. O2 LEVELS DANGEROUSLY LOW.” </span></blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">The robotic female voice droned through the small transport
ship. Now, only two people heard it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">“How the hell could this happen?” Zoe's naked, shivering
figure turned her face away as blaze after blaze overwhelmed the screen. The reverberations from the explosions reached
her bare feet. It surprised her that the whole ship hadn't broken apart.</span><span style="color: red;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">Boz stumbled to the monitor as he tried to slide a foot
into his pants. He gave up, dropped
Zoe’s clothes and gaped at the view. Supplies
tumbled into space as emergency hatches vented oxygen to smother the flames. His
friends' charred faces screamed silently as they clung to wooden crates or metal
hibernation chambers in the cargo hold. One by one their grips failed and they
joined the debris, lost to the infinite boundaries of space.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">The fire detection system blinked green. The emergency
hatches closed. The claxon alarm cut off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">The <i>Mors</i> was
bringing scientific supplies to [name], with a crew of greenhorn scientists
ready for their first expedition to a budding planet, where the surface team awaited
their arrival. The six months of transit
seemed an eternity to Boz and Zoe; they had dreamed of this trip all their lives.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">They'd grown up together, played together, shared experiments,
and studied for interplanetary research together. The excitement of the trip stirred feelings they
shared but were afraid of admitting. That
evening they'd shirked inventory duties with the rest of the crew for a short,
personal vacation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">On autopilot, the bridge was always empty. Unromantic, at least it guaranteed no
interruptions, and they could see anyone coming on the monitors. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="color: #0070c0;">“Zoe…Zoe!” She
turned a little. He picked up her
clothes and held them out. She dressed in silence, not once lifting her eyes
from the floor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">515
words boil down to 301, a reduction of 41.5%. What do you think?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17199444059084055119noreply@blogger.com0