This
week's boiling comes from Marianne Sheldon, and it's 499 words of her WIP,
Every Little Thing. You can find her at www.mtsheldon.wordpress.com. Let's see what we can do with it.
The Original:
On the
first day of eighth grade, Carly’s best friend, Sharon Haluza, morphed into
Shari. Jenny Daly became Jen, and Laurie-Anne Pasternak was now Lori. Plus the
three of them all carried their school supplies in matching blue Adidas gym
bags. And everyone in the whole grade had turned all huggy. None of them hugged
in seventh grade.
Even
though they only lived two blocks apart, Sharon and Carly hadn’t hung out much
over the summer. But as soon as Carly rounded the corner onto Sharon’s street,
she spotted her friend up ahead waiting on the fence post like always. Maybe
that’s why Carly never saw the changes coming. She started running. “Sharon,
hi!”
Sharon
jumped up and held her arms wide as if for a hug. She squealed. “Carly Bear!”
Carly
stopped short of Sharon’s arms. “Wow, you got taller!” Sharon’s legs in their
tight denim had lengthened. She was a full head above Carly. And beneath a
tight blue top she was wearing a bra. That she needed. Carly suddenly felt
off-balance.
Sharon
patted Carly on the head. “You didn’t. You’re the same little squirt from last
year.” She sounded like she was talking to a little kid. She leaned down and
swung her gym bag onto her back, and the girls fell into step, side-by-side.
Carly
tried to lengthen her stride to match Sharon’s. She glanced down at her flat,
braless chest, pulled her jean jacket closed, and hoped it would stay cool
enough so she could keep it on all day.
“How was
your summer?” Sharon asked.
“Good. I
camped out at Gran’s lots.” Gran lived in the best place in the whole wide
world. Near the YMCA camp on the north side of Spirit Lake, practically at the
foot of Mount St. Helens.
“Camping.
Oh, cool. Did you see ‘Meatballs’?”
“No, but
I saw The Muppet Movie. It was great.”
Shari
snorted. “You’re so cute. Did you have to take your little brother?”
“Uh,
yeah.”
“I saw
‘Alien’ and ‘The Amityville Horror’ too. They were so scary. And ‘Moonraker’.
Roger Moore’s so yummy for an old guy.”
“Oh,
yeah. He’s, uh, yummy.”
“Did you
see it?”
“Uh,
no.” Mom only let them see G-rated movies.
Carly
spotted an interesting pebble in the grass. She picked it up. Basalt. Igneous.
While tucking it into a pocket, she stole a glance at Shari. She seemed so
different. “Hey! Are you wearing makeup?”
“No.”
Two spots of red appeared on Shari’s cheeks. “Just a little.” Her lids were
blue and her eyes lightly ringed with black.
Carly
wore her favorite army-style khakis and a faded jean jacket. She’d swiped both
from her big brother Chris the second he outgrew them. She had to roll the
bottoms of the khakis and belt them or they would have slid right off her
skinny hips, but they were perfect for climbing around on the Rock. They were
loose and comfortable, they didn’t rip easily, and they had tons of pockets.
The Condensation:
On the first day of eighth grade, Carly’s best friend,
Sharon Haluza, morphed into Shari. Jenny Daly became Jen, and Laurie-Anne
Pasternak was now Lori. Plus the three of them all carried their school
supplies in matching blue Adidas gym bags. And everyone in the whole grade had
turned all huggy. None of them hugged in seventh grade.
This first paragraph is psychic: it tells us
everything Carly is going to discover over the next chapter or so, before she
discovers it. As such, it's a POV glitch—a violation of the third person
limited POV used in the rest of the chapter—and is thus also a "tell"
instead of a "show", and redundant with what comes after it.
Thus, it can be cut in its entirety.
Even though they only lived two blocks apart, Sharon and Carly hadn’t
hung out much over the summer. But as soon as Carly rounded the corner onto
Sharon’s street, she spotted her friend up ahead waiting on the fence post like
always. Maybe that’s why Carly never saw the changes coming. She started
running. “Sharon, hi!”
"Even" isn't needed, nor is
"only".
"But as soon as" can be boiled out
if we replace "she spotted" with "and spotted". "Up
ahead" is unnecessary.
The next sentence is again a psychic POV
glitch—she didn't see them coming, and doesn't even know about them at this
point. So let's boil it out.
In the last sentence, we have "started
[verb]ing", which (along with "began [verb]ing") should only be
used if it's important that the action is interrupted.
Though they lived two blocks apart,
Sharon and Carly hadn’t hung out much over the summer. Carly rounded the corner
onto Sharon’s street, and spotted her friend waiting on the fence post like
always. She ran. “Sharon, hi!”
Sharon jumped up and held her arms wide as if for a hug. She
squealed. “Carly Bear!”
Carly stopped short of Sharon’s arms. “Wow, you got taller!”
Sharon’s legs in their tight denim had lengthened. She was a full head above
Carly. And beneath a tight blue top she was wearing a bra. That she needed.
Carly suddenly felt off-balance.
We can combine the "arms held wide as if
for a hug" and the "stopped short", and then merge the
now-shortened sentence with the one after it.
I'm adverse to disembodied parts; in general
I don't think legs or hands or heads should own or do things. To rectify that
and boil out some "was"es, let's merge the next two sentences.
"was [verb]ing" can almost always
boil down to "[verb]ed" (or in the case of "to be" or some
other irregular verb, whatever's appropriate.)
The last sentence is a tell, and an
unnecessary one. The towering, the needed bra, and the pat on the head all
convey that Carly is off-balance, out of her element, without having to tell
the reader that. So let's boil it out.
Sharon jumped up, held her arms wide, and
squealed. “Carly Bear!”
Carly stopped short of the hug. “Wow, you
got taller!” Sharon towered on long legs in tight denim a full head above
Carly. And beneath a tight blue top she wore a bra. That she needed.
Sharon patted Carly on the head. “You didn’t. You’re the same little
squirt from last year.” She sounded like she was talking to a little kid. She
leaned down and swung her gym bag onto her back, and the girls fell into step,
side-by-side.
Carly tried to lengthen her stride to match Sharon’s. She glanced
down at her flat, braless chest, pulled her jean jacket closed, and hoped it
would stay cool enough so she could keep it on all day.
If we trust the dialogue to carry itself, we
don't need to say that Sharon "sounded like she was talking to a little
kid."
As with most double-actions, we can get away
with just one, so let's boil out, "leaned down".
"tried to" is clutter, as they
manage to stay side-by-side.
"it would say cool enough so" can
boil out, too, as there are a variety of reasons why one might be able to keep
a jean jacket on, especially when inclined through embarassment.
Sharon patted Carly on the head. “You
didn’t. You’re the same little squirt from last year.” She swung her gym bag
onto her back, and the girls fell into step, side-by-side.
Carly lengthened her stride to match
Sharon’s. She glanced down at her flat, braless chest, pulled her jean jacket
closed, and planned to keep it on all day.
“How was your summer?” Sharon
asked.
“Good. I camped out at Gran’s lots.” Gran lived in the best place in
the whole wide world. Near the YMCA camp on the north side of Spirit Lake,
practically at the foot of Mount St. Helens.
“Camping. Oh, cool. Did you see ‘Meatballs’?”
“No, but I saw The Muppet Movie. It was great.”
Shari snorted. “You’re so cute. Did you have to take your little
brother?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“I saw ‘Alien’ and ‘The Amityville Horror’ too. They were so scary.
And ‘Moonraker’. Roger Moore’s so yummy for an old guy.”
“Oh, yeah. He’s, uh, yummy.”
“Did you see it?”
“Uh, no.” Mom only let them see G-rated movies.
I'm not a fan of speech tags, when you can
use the same number of words to convey more information. We know Sharon asked,
so we can turn that into something that gives us additional
characterization—did she grin? Smirk? Frown? Based on the attempted hug, I'm
going to give Sharon the benefit of the doubt and make her grin.
We can boil one whole word by merging the
information about the camp into one sentence, and one more by removing
"wide" in "whole wide world"—though I see why one might
keep it. In the process we can boil out the "practically", because
close enough is close enough.
Dialogue being what it is, I tend to leave it
alone unless something egregious pops up. This dialogue looks great—authentic
and brimming with information on both the setting and the family life of the
girls, without pushing either one.
(As a side note, nothing has actually
happened to tell us that Sharon is now Shari, so if this is a new development,
we should hear about it. My suggestion would be to have other kids call her
"Shari" when it comes up, and for Carly to react accordingly.)
Sharon grinned. “How was your summer?”
“Good. I camped out at Gran’s lots.” Gran
lived near the best place in the whole world, the YMCA camp on the north side
of Spirit Lake at the foot of Mount St. Helens.
“Camping. Oh, cool. Did you see
‘Meatballs’?”
“No, but I saw The Muppet Movie. It was
great.”
Sharon snorted. “You’re so cute. Did you
have to take your little brother?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“I saw ‘Alien’ and ‘The Amityville Horror’
too. They were so scary. And ‘Moonraker’. Roger Moore’s so yummy for an old
guy.”
“Oh, yeah. He’s, uh, yummy.”
“Did you see it?”
“Uh, no.” Mom only let them see G-rated
movies.
Carly spotted an interesting pebble in the grass. She picked it up. Basalt.
Igneous. While tucking it into a pocket, she stole a glance at Shari. She
seemed so different. “Hey! Are you wearing makeup?”
“No.” Two spots of red appeared on Shari’s cheeks. “Just a little.”
Her lids were blue and her eyes lightly ringed with black.
Carly could hardly pick up a pebble she
hadn't spotted, so let's merge these sentences.
We know Shari has two cheeks, so we can boil
"Two spots of red" to "Red spots"...but for that matter,
red spots appearing on someone's cheeks is a blush, so let's call it that.
The last sentence can be made more active by
boiling out the "were".
Carly plucked an interesting pebble from
the grass. Basalt. Igneous. While tucking it into a pocket, she stole a glance
at Sharon. She seemed so different. “Hey! Are you wearing makeup?”
“No.” Sharon blushed. “Just a little.” Light
black lines ringed her blue eyelids.
Carly wore her favorite army-style khakis and a faded jean jacket.
She’d swiped both from her big brother Chris the second he outgrew them. She
had to roll the bottoms of the khakis and belt them or they would have slid
right off her skinny hips, but they were perfect for climbing around on the
Rock. They were loose and comfortable, they didn’t rip easily, and they had
tons of pockets.
Clothes
swiped from an older sibling are hand-me-downs, so let's call them that—which
incidentally allows us to boil out the "big" in "big
brother", as one doesn't get hand-me-downs from younger siblings.
The
next sentence combines two ideas that should be separate: rolling up the
bottoms (cuffing) doesn't keep them from sliding off her hips—which they'd only
do were her hips skinny, so we can boil that out.
"climbing
around" = "climbing", which we can merge with the next sentence.
Carly wore her favorite army-style khakis
and a faded jean jacket, hand-me-downs from her brother Chris. She cuffed the
khakis, and a belt kept them from sliding off her hips. Loose and comfortable,
they didn’t rip easily and had tons of pockets, perfect for climbing on the
Rock.
The Result:
Though they lived two blocks apart,
Sharon and Carly hadn’t hung out much over the summer. Carly rounded the corner
onto Sharon’s street, and spotted her friend waiting on the fence post like
always. She ran. “Sharon, hi!”
Sharon jumped up, held her arms wide, and
squealed. “Carly Bear!”
Carly stopped short of the hug. “Wow, you
got taller!” Sharon towered on long legs in tight denim a full head above
Carly. And beneath a tight blue top she wore a bra. That she needed.
Sharon patted Carly on the head. “You
didn’t. You’re the same little squirt from last year.” She swung her gym bag
onto her back, and the girls fell into step, side-by-side.
Carly lengthened her stride to match
Sharon’s. She glanced down at her flat, braless chest, pulled her jean jacket
closed, and planned to keep it on all day.
Sharon grinned. “How was your summer?”
“Good. I camped out at Gran’s lots.” Gran
lived near the best place in the whole world, the YMCA camp on the north side
of Spirit Lake at the foot of Mount St. Helens.
“Camping. Oh, cool. Did you see
‘Meatballs’?”
“No, but I saw The Muppet Movie. It was
great.”
Sharon snorted. “You’re so cute. Did you
have to take your little brother?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“I saw ‘Alien’ and ‘The Amityville
Horror’ too. They were so scary. And ‘Moonraker’. Roger Moore’s so yummy for an
old guy.”
“Oh, yeah. He’s, uh, yummy.”
“Did you see it?”
“Uh, no.” Mom only let them see G-rated
movies.
Carly plucked an interesting pebble from
the grass. Basalt. Igneous. While tucking it into a pocket, she stole a glance
at Sharon. She seemed so different. “Hey! Are you wearing makeup?”
“No.” Sharon blushed. “Just a little.” Light
black lines ringed her blue eyelids.
Carly wore her favorite army-style khakis
and a faded jean jacket, hand-me-downs from her brother Chris. She cuffed the
khakis, and a belt kept them from sliding off her hips. Loose and comfortable,
they didn’t rip easily and had tons of pockets, perfect for climbing on the
Rock.
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